The Difference Between Surviving and Living
by tiffini42112
Summary: Amanda is new to the prison, having been shipped over from Woodbury after its fall. The change of living arrangements would be enough to shock anyone, but on top of being relocated she recently lost her father, brother, lover and close friend at the hands of The Governor. What psychological effect will the prison and its people have on her? Eventual Daryl/Oc.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hey guys I don't know how good this is, so rather or not I post a new chapter to this depends on how y'all react to it. How many reviews, follows and favorites I get will help me make that decision. R&R and follow if you want more.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own the walking dead or any of its characters. Nor do I expect to get paid for my story. Ect. Ect. Y'all know the drill. And yes I do say y'all in real life.

 **The Difference between Surviving and Living**

 **Chapter 1**

The bus was hot and the mood was grim as the women and children sat scattered around it. Some huddled with loved ones or friends while others comforted their children, but Amanda sat alone in the back of the bus watching the trees and walkers go by. They were all that was left of the town of Woodbury, and now they were getting shipped to some smelly prison because the man named Rick and his redneck buddy thought it would be safer there with them. All Amanda wanted to know was where the Governor was and why they thought Woodbury wasn't safe anymore. Word around the bus was that the governor went crazy, murdered the army that had gone with him to attack the very people that were in the bus with them, and then disappeared.

Amanda didn't believe them, she couldn't. Her father and brother were a part of The Governors army. They couldn't be dead, they had to be waiting for her at the prison, but the bus passed a familiar military vehicle, the one her family had climbed into the last time she saw them. She turned to look out of the back glass of the bus as walker wearing her father's hunter green shirt turned to face her. Her heart dropped. "Stop!" Everyone looked at her as she made her way to Rick who was driving the bus. "I said stop." Rick pulled to a slow stop. "Give me your gun." Rick looked at her like she was insane. She rolled her eyes as she held out her hand "Please, I'm not gonna to shoot anyone here." He still didn't hand over his gun. "That's my family back there. I…" she sighed, fighting back tears as she looked at the back glass of the bus. The faces of her walker turned family pressed to the glass hungrily. "I can't let them hurt people." She looked desperately at Rick. "I'm a good shot." She lied. She had never shot a moving target before. "It will only take two bullets." She pleaded with her eyes and he stood up, took his gun out of the holster and started to leave the bus.

"I'll do it." She jumped between him and the stairs blocking his way. "I have to they're my family." He hesitantly handed the young woman the pistol not knowing if it was a stupid decision or not. Amanda looked in all directions making sure her father and brother were the only walkers she had to look out for before she exited the bus and walked halfway down its rusted length. Just the crunching of rocks under her converse clad feet was enough to get their attention and they headed toward her with the speed of freshly changed walkers. She clicked the safety off before she took the stance that her father had made her practice so much that she did it in her sleep. She watched them through the sights as they hobble closer to her. Everyone could hear her whispered "I love ya'll" Through the open windows before two clear shots echoed through the air.

She clicked the safety back on then numbly entered the bus. A loud squeak came from the gears behind her as Rick pulled the handle around closing the doors. She barely felt the hard faced redneck tap her on the shoulder when she didn't move from between the two front seats. He held his hand out for the gun and wordlessly motioned with his head for her to sit down. She ignored the sad eyes on her as she made her way to the back seat and plopped down no longer caring about the trees as they past. No longer caring about what her future was to hold.

She leaned her head against the back of the seat in front of her. The sheet of straight black hair hid her face from the others as silent tears fell down pail freckled cheeks. She didn't feel the seam of the seat that was digging into her forehead or the drops of salt water that soaked into her blue jeans. Everyone wanted to comfort her, but no one knew how, no one really knew the 19 year old that well. They had only been in Woodbury for six weeks. Just long enough for her father to see the troubles the town was having with their invasive neighbors and volunteer to help. Just long enough for her to get used to watching movies, drinking ice cold lemonade, and taking showers again, to be happy again. Not that she had been happy the entire time she was at Woodbury. The Governor had taken everything away from her. She had thought he was a trustworthy man. A kind and loving man, but it had all been a cruel, cruel trick. She didn't know what kind of man he truly was until it was too late.

She was lost to the world when one of the women tapped on the back of the seat letting her know they had arrived at the prison. Amanda looked around taking in the few people that stood at the entrance of the building. A boy was standing next to a blond haired teen girl who was cradling a baby in her arms. Surly the baby didn't belong to her. Without wanting to Amanda left her seat to be ushered out of the bus and into a room in the prison that was becoming crowded. She moved along the wall shouldering her way between people until she sank into the corner of the room, becoming invisible. The group smashed against the wall forming a tight circle around Rick as he entered the center of the room.

"I know that I have taken all of you out of your comfort zones and away from your homes," Rick turned slowly as he spoke taking in the faces of the new people that surrounded him. "And I am truly sorry for that." Amanda didn't pay attention to the rest of the arrogant mans speech. She got a few dirty looks from the people standing in front of her when she bumped them as she slid down the wall and pulled her knees to her chest. She didn't even notice the roar of voices that echoed around the room when Rick's speech was over or the shuffling of feet as they were slowly assigned cells. It wasn't until someone started waving their hand in front of her face that she realized she was the last person in the room.

She blinked at few times before she looked up meeting the hard steel blue eyes of the redneck that was kneeled down in front of her. "Ya alright?" he asked as he stood up looking down at her, but she didn't answer. She didn't know how to answer that question because she didn't know if she was alright or if she ever would be. She managed to shrug her shoulders before the redneck disappeared and came back with white haired man on crutches.

"What's your name?" it took her a second to decide if she wanted to answer him or not but she eventually told him her name. "Well, I'm Hershel and this is Daryl." Her eyes followed his finger when he pointed to the redneck watching with a face that matched how she felt, blank. "If you want, we can show you where you will be sleeping from now on." She just wanted to be left alone, but it seemed like she would have to be shown to her cell before that was going to happen. She managed to make herself stand up and grab her bag from where it had fallen off her shoulder onto the floor. She motioned for the two men to lead the way. The cell block was noisy with people settling in and children running around playing with what toys they had brought with them as Hershel led the way and Daryl followed.

They led her to an upper level cell saying that all the lower levels were filled with the elderly and women that had children. "If you have any questions or need something just come find me or Daryl." Hershel offered before they both left her. She glanced around the sad excuse for a room. A stool sat under a metal table that was built into the wall. She picked up the dusty book that sat on it revealing a perfectly clean rectangle on the table. "The Wizard of Oz? What kind of prisoner reads The Wizard of Oz?" A cloud of dust flooded from the edges of the book when she tossed it onto the floor and took her bag off of her shoulder. The chair screeched across the floor as she pulled it out and plopped down on it folding her arms on the table using them as a pillow before drifting off into a restless sleep.

" _You're so beautiful." He said as he swept a lock of her soft hair behind her ear. All she could manage to give him in return for his compliment was a shy smile and blush. She had never had a man make her feel so special before. He had let his hand slide down her cheek to rest on her neck where he pulled her in for a kiss. He eventually rolled over on top of her feeling her youthful body as he did so. She sighed at the strange feelings shooting through her every limb as she kissed him back with her soft inexperienced lips._

Down stairs, Rick had his hands full with the hustle and bustle of people asking him questions as well as making sure his daughter was being cared for properly. His people knew how he worked, when to jump in and take charge and when to wait for his command. Tyreese and Sasha were helping out the best they could, but didn't really know the groove of things yet. Michonne was surprising everyone with how welcoming and handy she could be without getting in the way. Currently she was smiling and talking to an elderly lady who seemed to be having trouble with her hands.

Rick watched as people got settled letting his eyes land on Beth who slaved away cooking food for the new people she didn't even know. He would never understand her. So quiet, so obedient, with the voice of an angel and the temper of a devil when the occasion called for it. Women were already lining up in hopes of getting food for their children before themselves. He let his eyes leave Beth only to land on Carl holding the sleeping baby girl. "Looks like things are goin' smoothly." The rough southern voice next to him made him jump not having heard Daryl walk up beside him. "Think everyone's gonna like it here." The two men shared a smile before looking back at the now moving line of people receiving the prison food that would no longer last as long as they thought.

"Everyone seems to be in high spirits." Rick said making Daryl frown at his friends observation. Not everyone was in high spirits. The girl that had cowered in the corner didn't look too happy. The same girl that had insisted they stop the bus so she could take down her family. Rick walked off to take over serving the people. Daryl caught himself scanning the crowd looking for the sad girl with the straight jet black hair. He didn't see her anywhere so he set off in search of Maggie. He found her in her cell looking like she was pissed off at the world.

"Would ya mind doin' me a favor?" Maggie looked up at him like she was going to bite him.

"Not if it has anything to do with those people." He knew the strong willed girl well enough to know that asking her to talk to the new girl would get him nowhere. So he set out to the cell himself knowing that everyone else was busy with other things. When he got to her cell he saw her lying over on the table sound asleep. He watched her back rise and fall with even breaths, debating on rather or not to wake her. He ended up leaving her, satisfied that she was at least getting some sleep.

Later that night as everyone slept or at least tried to sleep in their new abode, Amanda laid awake, aware of the occasional person that would walk by her cell. She stared blankly into the pitch black that filled the small room wanting nothing more than her father and brother in there with her. Wishing she could turn back time and go shopping with her mother, play the latest video game or spend countless useless hours figuring out the perfect way to do her makeup even though no one cared to see. She had dreamed of becoming a makeup artist. At eighteen years old she had no friends and no social life. Here she was a year later and more pathetic than ever.

A creaking filled the cell as she sat up fumbling around in the darkness for her bag only to knock it over, cursing silently when some of it's contains rolled across the floor. She eventually found the little green book light she had been looking for and clicked it on. Now that she could see she pulled her beat up duct tape flower pen and matching journal out and sat down at the table clipping the light onto the hard cover. She scribbled words onto the paper like she had been doing since her mother gave her the blank book for Christmas when she was eight. It was her way of getting things out of her head. If she couldn't write down what she was thinking the thoughts would continue circulating, constantly depressing her. Sometimes as she wrote the pages became stained with privately shed tears, and tonight was one of those nights. Warm salt water slowly dripped down the freckled bridge of her nose and onto the paper causing the ink to smear. The pin dropped from her shaking hand and bounced onto the floor.

"Ya alright?" she jumped at the words quickly wiping away her tears before turning the light on the unshaven face of the redneck, Daryl, where he stood in the doorway of her cell. It was the second time the man had asked her that question and she still didn't know the answer. She expected him to go away when she didn't answer, but she quickly learned that he was not the kind to give up because he just kept standing there taking her in.

She finally decided that she should give him some kind of answer even if it was a cruddy one. "I don't know." I pleasant smirk spread across his lips when she spoke even though it was raspy from not having said a word since she shot her family.

"So she does have a voice." She glared at him. The shy girl had heard things like that her entire life and the end of the world hadn't changed that. "Everyone said the only time they ever heard ya talk was on the bus today." He had to bring that up. She just wanted to forget that she had brought so much attention on herself and she didn't like that he was talking about her so she changed the subject all together.

"It's Daryl, Right?" He nodded happy that he had gotten her to talk and he took note of her country accent. "So yer Merle's brother?" he shifted uncomfortably at the mention of his deceased brother and grunted out a positive answer. "Ya kinda look like 'em." She took in the matching blue eyes and dirty blond hair.

"Ya knew my brother?" Amanda snorted at his question. Of course she knew his brother. Everyone knew who Merle was just because he was the reigning champ of the walker fights The Governor held every other night. But she knew him more as the man who sat across from her at the table in the library.

She crossed her hands over her chest not being comfortable around a man even if he was Merle's famous baby brother. "Yeah, I knew 'em." He kicked off of the wall and took a small step into the cell. "He liked to read." No one in Woodbury knew that and Daryl was completely confused by this new fact. He thought that his brother didn't read anything unless it was a playboy or motorcycle magazine. "And not kiddy stuff either." Merle was one of the few men in Woodbury that had made her feel human. Neither of them could sleep at night and they both gravitated to the never locked library. "He told me he'd kiss me if I ever told anyone that. I guess that threat don't stand no more." Merle was just one more person she had lost, one more reason to fade into the background. Everything she just told him proved that he never really knew his brother. His brother had never threatened to kiss anyone either. If he wanted to kiss someone he would sweet talk them into it or just do it. So why a kiss was so threatening to this girl that clearly knew his brother better than he did he didn't know.

"Yer shittin' me?" Amanda didn't feel like dignifying that with an answer. "My brother, Merle? The big scary man with one hand, reading in a library like some hoity-toity rich bitch?" Despite the fact that she had just been crying over her lost family she felt like laughing and couldn't help the small smile that played at the corners of her lips.

"I never paid much attention to the missing hand. Then again he never wore the big metal thing in the library neither." Daryl studied her as she spoke with her hands a lot.

Daryl leaned on the wall with a new reason for getting to know the girl. "Ya sure know a lot of things about 'em." Amanda just shrugged as she turned in the swivel chair to pick her pen up off of the floor. "Were the two of ya together 'er somethin'?" She spun in her chair quickly almost hitting her stomach on the corner of the table.

"No." she looked at him like he had just asked her if she had kissed a walker. "He was just a friend." He crossed his arms over his chest looking her up and down.

"Mmhmm." She felt like slapping him. "My brother never made friends with a woman without there bein' benefits." Amanda's knuckles turned white where she gripped the sides of the chair. Sleep with one man and you automatically get slut tattooed on your forehead. She turned back around in her chair and picked up her pin hoping that he would get the hint and he did.

She finished up her journal entry before she set the book aside and pushed back her chair. She wondered what she could do to keep her mind busy now that the library wasn't there. She used to shove her nose in a book and completely immerse herself in it. It was easy to pretend you lived in a fictional world when the one you really lived in was crumbling down around you.

As she settled down for the night she realized that sleep wouldn't come and if it did it would be filled with painful dreams. So instead of sleeping she put pencil to paper and let her hand do all the work. By the time the sun started coming up Amanda's cell walls were dotted with black and white drawings. Nameless flowers, faces and things that she had seen here and there. "Those are pretty." Amanda turned to see Carol standing in her doorway. "Hi I don't know if we met yesterday. I'm Carol." The older woman extended her hand to the younger woman so she took it and lightly shook it. "I just stopped by to let you know that there's hot food in the holding room if you're hungry."

Amanda kept up her mute reputation and just nodded before Carol moved on to the next cell. As much as she didn't want to be surrounded by people she was too hungry to pass up the offer. So she dug through her bag and changed into a clean pair of jeans and a plain light gray shirt then braided her hair to hang over her left shoulder before she headed off to the holding room. The spoiled kids from Woodbury were complaining about what was being served, but Amanda had grown accustomed to the gamy spoils of the forest. When she and her family were on the road her father would often hunt for their food. Squirrel, rabbit, owls, opossums, ducks, whatever he could kill. Unfortunately her father and brother weren't very good hunters and neither was she.

* * *

Carol stood behind a table serving the odd breakfast of stew to the people that came through the line and watched Daryl where he sat eating his breakfast with Rick and Glenn. My how the man had changed since she first met him. He had gone from stereotyping everyone that came near him to being a kind caring man with a hard exterior. He still called Glenn chinamen every once in a while, but where it had been an insult before, now it was a joke. She didn't fail to notice that every once in a while Daryl's eyes would move to stare at the girl from Woodbury with the dark side braided hair. The girl was completely unaware of his gaze on her where she sat at an abandoned table in the corner of the room.

Carol wondered why the girl didn't talk to anyone, but from what she had heard the girl had just lost her father and brother all in the same day. She knew the young woman was hurting. All you had to do was look at her eyes and they would tell you all you needed to know. Carol decided that when everyone had been served that she would go keep the girl company.

She didn't even glance up when Carol sat down across from her. "Mind if I sit here?" she just shrugged at her. "I heard about your family, I'm sorry." When the girl still didn't give her any kind of response Carol decided to try something else. "Did you draw all of those pictures I saw in your cell earlier?" The girl looked up at her through her lashed and nodded while chewing her food. "They're very good. Did you take art lessons before?" Carol just couldn't crack her so she sighed and decided that it would be best if she just ate her breakfast. But she promised herself that she would make friends with the girl even if it was a silent friendship. The girl nodded to Carol in thanks before she walked off to put her bowl in the empty bin then disappeared into the cell block.

Amanda didn't understand why Carol was trying to get to know her, but she knew she had no interest in talking to the short haired woman. People only tried to talk to her if they wanted something from her. Be it a drawing or some other favor. Whatever it was Carol wanted from her she wasn't going to get. Even if she really did just want to be friends, Amanda was through letting people in and getting hurt in the process. She didn't have room for any more pain. Losing her whole family had caused her enough pain to last a lifetime. Sooner or later everyone who gets close to her dies. Merle was a prime example of it.

Without meaning to Amanda fell asleep on her bunk with a pencil and pad in her hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** See Ch.1. **Trigger Warning: There will be self harm in this story on several different occasions and mentions of rape/molestation.** I know that's some dark stuff, but hey, this _is_ the walking dead after all.

 **Chapter 2**

"Knock knock." Amanda woke with a jerk when the unknown voice filled her cell and looked down at the drool smeared drawing pad under her face. "You slept all day and night." She wiped the spit off of her face as she looked at the guy standing in her doorway. "I'm Glenn." He took a step in and held out his hand, but he dropped it when she didn't take it. "We're about to clear the yard, get all the walkers out so we can fix that broken gate." Amanda just looked around waiting for him to make his point. "We could use your help if you're feeling up to it." She got up from the bed eager to go outside and get some air. "You have experience with this kind of thing?" she just rolled her eyes and gave him an "are you serious" look. He held his hands up in surrender and walked out of the cell.

When she got outside she realized that not many other people from Woodbury were helping. Just Tyreese and Sasha along with two men she had seen around town. Had she and the two men been the only ones they had asked to help? Or was it that the others from Woodburry too busy with their families? Oh well, if they asked her to help then she was willing to try. She stood with Tyreese and Sasha as Glenn explained what they were supposed to do. When they were given an array of weapons to choose from she picked a black, slightly curved machete. "Ya know how to use that thing?" Daryl asked as he walked up to her and Amanda hummed out a yes. "Alright, just don't cut yourself." His voice was dripping with sarcasm as he walked away, but little did he know that Amanda had a lot of experience with this particular type weapon. Guns were not her forte, but a machete or a hatchet? These were the weapons she had used for most of the past year. She had even gotten pretty good at throwing them. It helped that she had a lot of time to practice while at Woodbury.

She just rolled her eyes at Daryl before the gate that lead out to the field was opened and they all ran out and started taking down walkers. Amanda took her time and didn't run after the undead things. She found it to be a waste of energy to run up to something that would eventually come to her. She walked up to countless geeks and slammed the machete into their heads then kicked them off of the blade. When the field was cleared they all went outside the main fence and stood around the opening to keep out any biters that moseyed by while Daryl, Rick and Glenn worked on fixing the gate.

They managed to get it rigged temporarily so that nothing could get into the yard before they started piling up the bodies that littered the land. Carol grabbed the legs of a walker just as Amanda picked up the shoulders. "So, did you have a job before the turn?" Amanda shook her head no. "Oh, then did you go to school?" Carol asked again trying to make conversation and the more she tried the more Amanda started to see the older woman as a challenge. She had found a new competitor in the game she liked to play. Not talking to people probably made them think she was weird and probably a mute, but she didn't care. People had always looked at her like she was a freak even before the dead started to walk. When someone tried to talk to her she would shut down and pretend like she couldn't hear them or she would just nod or shake her head. She hardly even let her own parents in, not that they ever tried that often.

She hadn't always been so closed off. She was sure that she was a happy little girl at some point, but she could hardly remember that little girl anymore. She couldn't remember what it was like to be carefree, light and innocent. She hadn't been that way since before her ninth birthday. Her parents saw the change and tried for a short time to figure out what had happened, but she was little, confused, scared and therefore tight lipped.

Amanda was pulled out of her thoughts when Carol smiled and said something to Merle's brother. The man scoffed at her playfully before she laughed and kept on walking to where Amanda was dragging a walker. "So did you have a job in Woodbury?" Carol asked another question that went unanswered. "From what I've heard almost everyone had some kind of job." Still nothing. Amanda was quickly getting bored of playing the silent game. So when they dropped the body into the pile Amanda walked in the opposite direction that Carol took and started working on her own.

She was fine working by herself, but her solitude didn't last longer than hauling a few bodies by herself, because Daryl walked over bent down and scooped up the legs of the biter she was dragging. "Easier with two people." He said in explanation when she gave him an exasperated look. They had hauled several more walkers to the pile in silence before he spoke again. "Carol getting on yer nerves?" he asked and Amanda shrugged. "She's just tryin' to help. She's worried 'bout cha." Amanda considered playing the silent game with him, but considering that she had spoken to him before, she thought it futile.

"Why? It's not like she knows me. I'm not her daughter or anything else for that matter. So why should she waste her time on me?" Amanda asked not really expecting an answer considering she never got any from Merle.

"Because around here, we care about each other, we're family" He said as they stood off to the side of the pile of bodies taking a short breather. She put her hand on her hips and just stared at him where he stood with his arms crossed over his chest and his fingers hooked into the armholes of his sleeveless shirt.

"Nothing against her, but maybe I don't want another family." Amanda asked with a tinge of attitude in her almost monotone voice as she looked across the field at Carol. "My family is gone, they cared about me and now they're dead." Amanda wiped the sweat off of her head as she looked back at Daryl meeting his gray blue eyes. Just looking at them made a lump form in her throat. They were so much like Merle's in color and complexity. He cleared his throat making her realize she was staring. "Um, sorry, you just… never mind." She wanted to tell him what she was thinking, that she found herself lost in his eyes just like she had gotten lost in Merle's so many awkward times before. But if she told him this it would make him think that she and Merle were something more than just friends.

Just as Daryl lifted his arm to wipe sweat off his brow a gust of wind blew his scent up her nose. As soon as the stench of sweat and motor oil hit her nose a sudden bout of nausea rolled over her and she placed her hand over her mouth. "I gotta-" she didn't get to finish her sentence before she turned and upchucked into the pile of walkers.

Carol saw and walked over and stood by Daryl to see if she was okay. Amanda saw them, Glenn, Rick and the others from Woodbury looking at her when she turned around. "Are you okay?" Carol asked, her face filled with a concern that could only come from a mother. It pulled at something in Amanda and she nodded. "Do you need to talk to our doctor?" this question made Amanda perk up and she look between the man and woman standing in front of her.

"You have a doctor?" It wasn't hard to miss the hopeful sound in Amanda naturally sad voice. "Like, a real doctor?" Daryl and Carol exchanged a look.

Carol nodded at her. "He's actually a veterinarian, but I'm sure he could hel-"

"It's fine. I don't need a doctor." Amanda interrupted Carol as she looked down at the ground and tucked a stray strand of black hair behind her ear. She decided that she didn't want to be out there around people anymore. Being around Daryl was making her think about Merle too much and Carol's kindness and constant questioning was making her uncomfortable. So she left them standing there scratching their heads as she headed toward the building.

Carol looked over at where Daryl was staring after her and smirked. "Did that seem weird to you?" she asked and he shrugged.

"Everyone has their reasons for bein' a little weird now days." He said simply before they picked up one of the last bodies and started carrying it to the pile. "She still givin' ya the silent treatment?" he asked and Carol nodded her head. "Probably shouldn't take it personally." He said as he shook out what was left in a gas can onto the dead. "And I'd back off a little."

Carol turned to him with questioning eyes. "Why? You know something I don't?" Daryl just looked down at the ground and shrugged. She could tell by the almost unnoticeable tinge of pink in his cheeks that something was up. "You got her to have a conversation with you didn't you?"

"Ya say that like I actually tried." He said before he stuffed his shop rag into his back pocket and started walking to where Rick and the others had gathered near the building. "I don't know why she talks to me."

Carol rolled her eyes and looked at him across her shoulder. "Really? You can't think of even one reason why she would talk to you?" she asked almost sarcastically and Daryl just shrugged as he shook his head. "For an observant guy you sure do miss a lot." About that time Glenn called out to Daryl pulling them from their conversation.

* * *

 _He made me feel so safe, so loved. I didn't think he would hurt me. He said he wouldn't hurt me. The way he brushed my hair over my ear, how he kissed my neck, it made me feel mature. At the time that was all I wanted. Now all I want to know is why he did it. Why he tricked me. Why did he work so hard to get me to sleep with him if he was just going to throw me away afterwards? I still feel him touching me. Every hour of every day I feel him there. He's gone now, but he's still here. Still making me feel like a used piece of trash. He got to me…_

 _I feel dirty, inside and out. I can't wash away the things that I let him do to me. I can't forget the memories that keep replaying in my head. The more they replay the more they build up. Everything builds up inside me and I feel like I'm going to explode. That's why I do it. I try not to… I try writing in this book, but writing everything down only helps so much. It only delays the inevitable. I can't help it. I can't stop. I don't want to do it, but it's the only way I know how to relieve the pressure._

Amanda growled as chunked the thick duct tape covered journal into the corner and moved from the little table to plop down on the bunk. She wiped angrily at the tears that were streaming down her pail face. She just stared at the book. The journal that her mother had given her when she was eight. She liked writing in it, but she hated the book. Her mind was one container of old memories, but the book was another. It not only held old memories, but old thoughts. Thoughts that she didn't want to think anymore.

When her eyes were dry she let them land on her bag where it sat on the floor. She couldn't stop herself from reaching out and picking it up. Her hand shook as she swiped a strand of hair that had slipped out of her braid back behind her ear. She reached out to unzip the inner zipper pocket to take out what at first glance appeared to be a sewing kit. But to Amanda it was so much more than that. After a few seconds of letting her shaking hand hang between herself and the kit she curled her fingers around it, slipped it out of its hiding place and unzipped it.

Inside laid a needle, thread, an exacto knife, replacement blades, seam ripper, measuring tape, and a thimble. Your normal sewing tools, the perfect disguise for her drug. Her hand still shook as she lifted her shirt and picked up the one tool that didn't quite fit with the rest, the exacto knife. She leaned her head back and looked at the ceiling then closed her eyes as she pressed the cold blade to her abdomen, right below the band of her bra. As she dragged the pointed blade across her pale skin the tiniest of whimpers escaped her and a thin line of red seeped through the fresh two inch cut. She sighed in relief as she dropped the blade onto the bed next to her and looked down at the wound. It was a feel good hurt, like when a sore muscle gets massaged, and she was addicted to it.

When the good feeling faded guilt set in. She hated herself for doing it. She always told herself afterwards that she wouldn't do it again, but she always knew it was a lie. She would do it again, she always did. She laid on her side before she curled up into a ball and went to sleep.

* * *

Daryl noticed that the girl with the side braid didn't come to super, but he tried not to show it. He knew what Carol was talking about when she asked him if he seriously couldn't think of a reason the girl would want to talk to him. He could think of a lot of reasons, but he didn't believe any of them, especially the one that Carol was insinuating. No woman would be interested in him. Why would they be? He didn't consider himself handsome, like Rick or Glenn, he didn't smell good and he definitely wasn't out going or charismatic. Hell half the time he smelled like sweat and smoke. So he couldn't understand why he was the only person that Amanda would talk to.

He wasn't surprised when Carol sat down across from him at the table. She was one of the hand-full of people that he called friends. They talked about various new people, including Ms. McLeod who's arthritic hands hand been bothering her all day, and how they were all settling into their weird, but safe accommodations. Their conversation had died down and Daryl was looking around the room when he noticed wisp of dark hair and a loaded green backpack slip out of the door that led to yard. "What are you looking at like that?" Carol asked attempting to follow his gaze, but came up with nothing. Daryl didn't answer the woman as he stood, placed his bowl into the container to be washed then headed outside interested to see where whoever it was thought they were going.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

 **The Difference Between Surviving and Living**

 **Chapter 3**

"Where ya think yer goin Mandy?" The familiar rough southern voice hit her ears making her stop in her tracks. She gritted her teeth and rolled her eyes as she turned on the balls of her feet to see him closing in on her.

"Don't call me Mandy." Only two people had ever called her that. Her mother and Merle. At first she didn't like Merle to call her Mandy, but when he figured out that it aggravated her he only did it more and soon she didn't mind it.

Daryl nodded and bit his lower lip before he crossed his arms over his chest. "Where ya headed?"

Amanda didn't know how to answer because she didn't really know where she was going. She just packed a small bag and took off walking. She had to get away. Away from the happy little kids, the quiet roar of people talking in the holding room and most of all, the overly caring Carol. She didn't want to be standing in the middle of the court yard talking to him. She didn't want to hear anything but the wind and crickets. "Away… I guess?" she didn't mean for it to sound like a question. Daryl just shifted his weight and raised an eyebrow at her. "Don't…look at me like that." She sighed as she moved her eyes from his to the ground. She hated that look. "Merle used to look at me like that." She admitted quietly. He had looked at her like that a thousand times when she said something he found stupid or amusing.

"Away?" he asked changing his expression back to his blank one. He didn't miss what she said about his brother, he just chose to ignore it. The blank look was one that was on his face more often than not.

"To walk the fence, kick dirt around in the yard, to look at the doors y'all rigged up, anywhere but in there." She said wondering if he would understand her need to escape to somewhere quiet, like Merle did. She just couldn't stand being around people, not when she knew that if she got close to them it would only lead to someone getting hurt.

"Alright, come on." He started walking toward the yard, but when he realized she wasn't following him he turned back to see her standing there with her pail arms crossed over her chest. "Are ya coming or what?"

She scoffed at him and shook her head at his boldness, but she should have expected it from the brother of Merle. "What makes ya think I wanna go anywhere wit' cha?"

"Ya wanna go somewhere quiet right?" he asked and she nodded slowly. "One of the kids has a head cold, Hershel wants' some berries to make tea. Ya can watch my back and get yer solitude at the same time."

"Ya do know what solitude is right?" he gave her a single nod. "Then ya know that it's not solitude if yer with me."

"It is if I don't talk." He said simply before he walked off leaving her to decide what she wanted to do. She didn't want to go with him, but she knew that if he told her what berry they needed then they could gather them faster and be back before the sun sank below the tree line. Just because she was cold to adults didn't mean she didn't care about kids. If anything she had a soft spot for them and their innocents.

So she reluctantly trailed behind Daryl until they got to the gates. She watched in curiosity as he pulled a rope and the doors swung open. She couldn't help but wonder who came up with the contraption or how they managed to get the big metal doors all the way out there. She was still looking at the doors when he whistled getting her attention before he tossed her a machete. "That's what ya used the other day right?"

She blinked rapidly to clear her thoughts before she gave him a nod. She couldn't get lost in things or let her head wonder while she was out there. It was strictly business and she had to remember that if she was going to watch his back and not make any mistakes. They walked through the gates and he pulled a rope on the outside closing the doors behind them.

Daryl stayed true to his word until they got out in the woods and found the berries they needed. Even then all he said was "Ya don't gotta help me pick, just cover me." Amanda just nodded and started looking around. She kept her eyes peeled and it wasn't too long before she spotted a walker headed their way. She didn't feel the need to say anything since it was just one, lone, limping, sad looking monster.

She let it wander over to her before she slammed the machete into its half rotten skull. But, she somehow didn't see the smaller child sized walker that was trailing behind the bigger one. She was shocked at the sight of what used to be a child, after all you don't find too many children becoming walkers, and they usually don't get away after being bitten. Before she knew it, the thing grabbed her arm. The sight of its teeth headed toward her arm finally pulled her out of her frozen wide eyed state. She stumbled backward and small yelp left her parted lips when her heal hit a rock and she fell onto her back knocking the air out of her. The tiny walker slapped her stomach and clenched her shirt in its filthy hand as it tried to climb up her body. Thunk! The walker stopped moving as soon as Daryl's bolt invaded the little things skull.

She quickly kicked it off of her and stood up not daring to look Daryl in the eyes. Instead she pulled the arrow out of the things head and handed it to him while looking at her feet. It was then that she noticed the bright red liquid seeping through her grey shirt. This made her look up to see if Daryl noticed it too. Judging by the intense glare he was giving her she had to say something fast. "It's not what ya think." Her words came out shaky as she gazed up at him. She knew that he thought the walker had scratched her, but really the weight of the walkers hand on her stomach pulled at the fresh self inflicted cut, opening it back up.

"Then what is it?" Amanda couldn't answer. She couldn't tell him that she had done it to herself. He would think she was crazy and kick her out of the prison if she told him the truth. "Let me see." She took a step back from him and self-consciously crossed her arms over her chest. "I ain't gonna bring ya back there around those people if that's a scratch."

"I wasn't scratched." Her voice came out stronger and more defensive this time, but it still wasn't enough to convince Daryl. His brow furrowed as he raised his bow to point it at her head.

"Zero tolerance for walkers." His glare intensified and tears started pooling in Amanda's eyes ready to fall. "Ya get scratched ya turn." She let her eyes land on his and she knew that if she didn't tell him the truth he was going to shoot her. Did she want to live? Could she live in this world anymore?

Her hands shook and she let her head fall forward as she looked at her faded pink converse. "I wasn't scratched." She slowly lifted her shirt revealing the cut and the bright green band of her bra.

She didn't have to say that she did it herself. The rest of her stomach said it for her. When Daryl saw the thin raised scars that littered her stomach he knew she was telling the truth. He also knew that she had been doing this for way longer than after the loss of her family. It started long before that. Some of the marks had been fading for years.

She dropped her shirt when he lowered his bow and turned back to the bush like nothing had ever happened. She knew that if he let her back into the prison then he would tell someone, probably Carol. He would try to help her and she didn't need help. So she grabbed her bag where it had fallen off of her back during the tussle, threw it over her shoulders and silently walked away like she had unknowingly planned on doing when she first left the prison.

She knew that she would be better off on her own. She had a weapon and could take care of herself. Or at least she had to try. She didn't know if the redneck heard her leave, but she knew he didn't follow her because she found herself looking over her shoulder almost wishing he had. But he hadn't, so he didn't care about her any more than she cared about him. Sometimes she thought that the only person that ever really cared about her was Merle. At least he actually listened to her.

Soon Amanda found herself walking down a muddy dirt road. She half watched ahead of her and half watched as her shoes left diamond and x shapes in the mud behind her. She didn't stop walking until she found a two story white house that looked fairly untouched. She felt like an intruder as she tried the door and found it unlocked. She whistled a few times and wasn't surprised when a female walker slinked around the archway that led to the kitchen. It must have been a house wife because she wore an apron over a floral top and skirt.

Amanda waited for the walker to come to her like always before she split it's dried up snarling face wide open with her blade. "That's going to be fun to clean up." She said sarcastically before she continued to the kitchen. It was clear, no walkers in sight, so she started going through the cabinets. Corn, carrots, pineapple, ranch style beans and butter beans were all in one cabinet. She took them out and sat them on the counter. It was a good haul, she had definitely seen worse, but when she opened the cabinet next to it a huge smile spread over her face.

A small jar of ruby red grapefruit sat in front of her face and her hand slowly reached up to take it like it was a dream. "God I can't even remember the last time I had grapefruit." Amanda sighed before she sat it down on the counter trying to decide if she should eat it now or save it for later. She decided to save it for later then took the last two cans of ravioli out of the cabinet and sat it with the rest.

After she had cleared the cabinets she moved on to the rest of the house and found two more walkers upstairs. The last room she came to looked like it belonged to a teenage girl. There were cheerleading pompoms and trophies sitting upon a desk. A purple cheetah print comforter and matching pillows were thrown over the black satin sheeted bed. She sat down on it messing it up as she picked up the picture frame on the night stand.

The frame had the name Ashley printed across the top and held a photo of a blond haired pony tailed girl in a yellow and blue cheerleading uniform. She had a smile on her face and a hand on her hip. "Oh Ashley…how I wish I could have been like you." Amanda spoke to the fame before she set it back down and went to the bi-folding closet doors and pulled them open. Ashley's clothing matched her looks. Pastel pink and blue tops lined the closet along with skinny jeans. One side of the large closet was filled with pretty long formal dresses and the other with assorted shoes.

She was about to stop looking when a cobalt blue sequined dress caught her eye and she pulled it out. "My, my, Ashlee where you a party girl?" she gave the picture frame a scalding look before she examined the strapless dress and the shear wide stripes that ran all the way down the sides, not exactly the kind of dress you could wear panties with. It was short and when Amanda held it up to her body and looked in the full length mirror the hem stopped just below her rear. She couldn't help slipping her dirty top, pants and bra off and replacing it with the dress. "Yeah, like you can fight zombies in this outfit." The idea of it made her think of Alice from Resident Evil.

She laughed sarcastically as she examined herself. She couldn't lie and say she looked bad, but it was too pretty. Amanda didn't do pretty. The only time she had worn a formal dress was when her mother forced her to go to prom, regardless of the fact she didn't have a date. Even then the dress had been plane black satin that flowed all the way to the floor. The only shimmer was the beaded belt that her mom insisted she wear to make the pain dress "presentable". This dress, however, showed off her hourglass figure, something she hated, long pail legs and the average amount of cleavage. It was something she wouldn't be caught dead in before the turn. She couldn't help the sarcastic laugh that left her before turning around and taking the dress off. It became a pool of sequins where she tossed it onto the hardwood floor.

When Amanda was dressed in her own clothes again she lounged back on the bed. She didn't know if she could make it alone, but this place seemed safe for now. As she tucked her hands behind her head she realized that the sun had set and only the bright light from the full moon lit the room. She told herself that tomorrow she would look for something to board up the windows with and maybe scavenge for more food. If there was some left in this house then maybe there was some left in the others that lined the street. She got up and locked the bedroom before she settled back down on the bed and drifted off into a restless sleep.

When Amanda woke up the next morning she stayed true to her plan. She looked in the shed that was in the corner of the fenced in back yard but found nothing but nails and a hammer. She could use them, but they were useless without wood. So she went through the gate that led to the back yard of the neighboring house that looked just like the previous one. She was met with the ugly face of a snarling walker that headed her way. She kicked it to the ground and chopped its head off before she continued to the shed. Amanda cringed when the rusty door hinge opened with a loud screech.

But she smiled when she found several sheets of decent plywood resting on the rafters of the small building. She decided to come back for it when she was done looking for food, if she was lucky she would come across more good stuff like the grapefruit.

She decided that she had enough food for three weeks after searching just four more houses. They had all been untouched and all contained at least one walker but no more than three. It wasn't until she was making her way back the way she came that she ran into trouble. The second yard that she had went through was filled walkers and every one of them spotted her where she stood frozen at the gate. She snapped out of her daze when they started hobbling toward her.

"Shit, shit, shit." She hissed through clenched teeth as she held the heavy bag close to her side and tried to head through the gate by the house that led to the road but the noise of the small herd in the back yard had drawn more in. She was trapped and the back door of the house was locked. She definitely wasn't strong enough to bust down the door. So Amanda stood there with her back pressed to the fence looking around for anything that could help her. Her eyes landed on the rope ladder that led to a small tree fort. Without even thinking about it she headed for the tree.

She thought she was going to be eaten when one of the wooden rungs broke and her foot slipped. She almost dropped the satchel of food, but she caught it and let her adrenaline carry her up the ladder and onto the small platform that surrounded the tree trunk. She pressed her back against the tree and tried to catch her breath. She had enough food to last a while, but there was no way the walkers were going to go away. The stupid creatures didn't know how to give up.

Amanda had just caught her breath when she heard a small bang go off in the direction of the street. She tried to see what it was and who was doing it, but she couldn't see anything. The more she listened the more it sounded like firecrackers, but who would be stupid enough to pop firecrackers now a days?

* * *

"You can go after her if you want to, but I think she's made her decision." Daryl just nodded at the wise old man that he had grown to respect and care about. Hershel was right, but not completely, because Daryl hadn't told him the whole story. He left out the fact that this girl left because she either thought they wouldn't want her or that he didn't believe that she had done the cut herself. He was going to go after her. He just wanted to clear it with their newly established council first.

He liked being a part of the council. It made him feel important and gave him something to think about other than his brother. Rick had decided to be a farmer, father and nothing else. He didn't want to be told about anything important unless he absolutely needed to be. "So what are you going to do?" Hershel asked dryly and Daryl crossed his arms as he leaned on the door frame. "Michonne wants you to go looking for the governor with her."

Daryl huffed out a breath and nodded as he let his thoughts work themselves out in his head. "I think I'm gonna go lookin' for the girl first, we'll head out for the governor when I get back." Hershel just nodded his head as Daryl pushed himself up off of the door frame.

"You think she made it over night? The dew might have gotten rid of her tracks." Michonne asked even though she knew better, Daryl could follow any tracks, even if they are faint.

"Na, I'll be able to find her. Tell the others where I'm going?" he asked them and Hershel replied that he would as Daryl headed over to the cell he had moved to. He threw his bow over his shoulder and threw some other things into his hunting bag before he threw his quiver over his other shoulder and headed out.

Once he got to where he had been picking the berries it wasn't hard to find her trail. He followed it a short ways to a dirt road. Her shoe prints were clearly imbedded into the dried mud and he followed them for thirty minutes until he saw them veer toward a white house with shutters that he was sure were red at some point. When he walked up to the door he paused. It still felt weird to just barge into someone's house even if he knew that that person was either dead or just never coming home again. At first there were no real signs that she had been there, but the blood on the floor that oozed from the walkers skull and the open kitchen cabinets were easy to pick up on. When he saw the canned foods on the bar, he stuck them in the bag that hung across his chest. It was stupid to pass up food now days.

He found all of the rooms upstairs clean but one. A teenager's room had been messed up, so she had slept here, but where was she now? As he looked around the room he noticed the dress on the floor and curiously picked it up. His eyebrow rose at its short, sparkly, somewhat slutty appearance. But heat flooded his cheeks as he pictured the girl's slim, curvy frame in the dress. He tossed it on the floor, scoffing more at himself than at her and left the room. He was about to go back out the front door when he heard a scream. He ran to the back and out on the porch to see Amanda up in a tree house with her legs pulled tight into her chest and her head between her knees as walkers bloody, dirty hands reached up for her.

He sighed and headed back upstairs and out onto the front roof. He could see the walkers from where he was, but the peak of the roof blocked his view of the girl. Hopefully she wouldn't do anything stupid while he was trying to help her. He pulled a string of black cats out of his bag and pulled a few off. It wasn't a guarantee, but maybe the monsters would leave her alone long enough for her to be able to get out. So he pulled a sling shot out of his bag along with a lighter and lit the fire work before he quickly shot it at the house across the street from the one she was stuck at. The more he did it the more walkers he saw leaving the yard.

* * *

She was never happier in her life than when she saw the walkers leaving her and heading to the sounds of the loud popping. But she was surprised when she looked at the house she had been staying in and saw Daryl wave her over from the back door. She quickly and happily grabbed her bag and headed for the house. He shut the door quietly behind her when she ran into the house and dropped the bag onto the couch.

"Thank you." She was happy and ashamed all at the same time as she looked at the rough man.

"Thank me later." He said as he made his way to the front door pulled the curtain aside with his middle finger and peeked through the window. "Are ya coming back to the prison or did I just put my ass on the line for nothin'?" he handed her the bag that she had left in the room she had slept in. Amanda threw it over her shoulder.

"I didn't _ask_ you to put your ass on the line for me." she defended herself. Daryl thought it was weird to hear a curse word leave her thick, pretty lips. But he brushed the thought aside and gave her a look that told her to answer the question. "Yeah, I'll come back." She sighed.

"Let's go then." He opened the door and motioned for her to go. So she went out and stuck close to the porch and house. The walkers didn't seem to see them leave the house and when they were out of view and earshot of the biters he spoke again. "Are ya suicidal or just stupid?" she should have been shocked by his question considering what he knew, but he was so much like Merle that it didn't.

"Apparently I'm just stupid because I'm not suicidal." She didn't sound so sure about her proclamation, but it was true. She wasn't suicidal, just…weak. It was quiet for a few minutes as she watched her feet follow her own steps back to the prison. "Did ya tell anyone what…what I showed ya?" she only looked up when she slammed into him because he had stopped walking and turned to look at her. "Oh um…" she stumbled back awkwardly looking up at him.

He was glaring at her the way Merle used to. "Nope. Ya want me to?" She shook her head rapidly making her messy side braid flop around and even more strands slip out of the holder at the end. His eyes slipped from where her hair rested on her chest to the slight bit of cleavage that was showing at the top of her grey scoop neck t-shirt. He let them rest there for a split second before he jerked them back up to her green eyes. She was uncomfortable around him, he would be an idiot not to notice the way she was leaning away from him.

When he turned around abruptly and started walking again Amanda reached up and fiddled self-consciously with her messy hair. She hadn't paid much attention to her appearance lately, but now she found herself pulling up her shirt and whishing she had a brush with her. So while he wasn't looking she pulled the ponytail holder out of her hair, ran her fingers through it then redid the braid. They were reentering the tree line when she realized that if she went back there with him that she might not be trusted again. She did just run away. "Why are ya bringing me back?" she asked and he kept on walking.

"Why not?" he answered her question with a question, which was annoying.

"Because I'm stupid and apparently reckless." Amanda mumbled as she threw a stick onto the ground. "I have absolutely nothing to contribute to this place. Carol asked me if I had a job in Woodbury because everyone else did, I didn't because I'm useless." It was true. She wasn't a good shot, she couldn't scavenge worth a flip, she proved that today, she didn't have the people skills to be anything else and she couldn't cook before the biters came, much less afterwards. "The only thing I'm good for is…" she faltered not wanting to say what was going on in her head.

"Talking someone's ears off?" Daryl asked finishing her sentence and making her laugh without even thinking about it.

"I know a lot of people that would disagree." She said through her laugh and he glanced back at her. "Carol's one of them." When they passed a wild honeysuckle bush the sticky sweet sent invaded her nose and sent her running to the nearest tree. She braced her hands against the trunk as she threw up. Grapefruit didn't taste so good the second time around.

Daryl stood back and watched, his scraggly hair covering his observant eyes. It was the second time she had thrown up and other than that she seemed to be fine. He had his suspicions about what was going on with her and he was going to make sure Hershel talked to her when they got back. No matter if she wanted to talk to him or not. When Amanda stood back up Daryl handed her a bottle of water. "Ya alright?" he asked and she sheepishly nodded. "Ya can keep that."

Amanda smiled sheepishly as she took the bottle from him and rinsed her mouth out a few times before he swallowed a bit of the water and they took off walking again. Amanda tried to ignore her sickness, tried to not think about it because she didn't want to believe it. So she kept her mouth shut until they came to the gates of the prison. She could see people moving around within the fences and she almost didn't want to go in, but living people seemed to be a small feat after the walkers she encountered that morning. So when she saw Daryl reach for the rope she spoke up. "Hey uh…" Daryl stopped pulling the rope to look at her. "I know I already thanked ya for saving me, but-"

"Ya wanna thank me?" Amanda nodded at his rhetorical question. "Then do it by not getting' yerself killed. Or…killin' yourself." Even though his words sounded harsh, she got the feeling that they weren't meant to be. When they got inside the fences Daryl went to go talk to Hershel and like usual no one noticed when she walked onto the building and headed to the cell. She was glad to find that the stuff she had left behind was still there.

She threw the bag that was still on her shoulder down onto the floor with the others that she had left behind. Her head was killing her so she closed her eyes before she gently laid down on the bed. Pain meds were hard to come by now days and she had been hoping to find some in one of the houses, but she didn't. So she would just have to deal with it.

Amanda had just slipped into a half conscious state when she heard a light tap on the bars of her cell. Hershel was standing outside her door and he walked into the room when she looked up. "It's Amanda right? He asked only to get her famous nod. "I've been asked to talk to you." She tensed at his words. Daryl ratted her out, she just knew it. "I've been told that several people have seen you throw up. Have you been feeling okay?" he must be the doctor that Daryl and Carol told her about.

"I'm fine." She answered him sharply with a smile that he could see right through.

"You and I both know that's not true. If you've been throwing up then we need to figure out what's going on so we can figure out if it's contagious." The man looked her in the eyes. She knew she couldn't lie to him and she couldn't keep running. Sooner or later she was going to have to face him. She just wasn't going to do it today.

"I'm fine." She assured him flatly. "I'm not contagious, I don't need a doctor and I don't need help." He only shook his head sadly knowing that he couldn't help someone who didn't want it. As soon as he left the cell she shut the door and tacked the sheet back up the way it had been before she left.

She didn't know what to do with herself anymore. She didn't want to be in the prison, but she didn't want to be out there either. She just wanted everything to be normal again, whatever that was.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** See chapter one.

 **The Difference Between Surviving and Living**

 **Chapter 4**

It had been three days since Daryl brought Amanda back and she was still just as invisible as she had been before. Hershel and Carol hadn't aggravated her much and Daryl left without another word to her. With Glenn's permission she explored the prison until she found the library. So that's where she spent most of her time, with her nose in a book just like she did in Woodbury.

Every day she would wake up, wash her face, fix her hair then grab a bowl of morning mush from the holding room and eat it as she slowly made her way to the library. She would stick her nose in a book and forget that she was living in a prison. Pretending that nothing was wrong was just how she was raised to think. It's just how her parents were. They liked to bury their heads in their money and pretend that they had a normal little angel. Not a hurting little girl that needed to be talking to a therapist every day. They had seen her scars, but when they asked her where they had come from she lied and said that their cat had scratched her. It was the lamest excuse ever, but they obliviously accepted it. Her parents didn't care about her and her brother was too wrapped up in himself and all the girls throwing themselves at him to notice that his sister was sliding down a slippery slope to a dark place.

Amanda was setting her empty bowl on the bookshelf next to the library door so that she wouldn't forget it on her way out when two little girls and their father walked into the room and started looking around. She tried to sink into a corner and shut them out, but she finally figured out that it wouldn't work so she took her book back to her cell. But even the noise of people talking on the perch outside her cell was getting on her nerves. With a sigh she snapped her book shut and sat up on the side of the bed. Her fists were clenched at her sides and her foot bounced on the floor. She felt like she was mad at nothing and everything all at the same time.

After a short bit of thought she tossed the book onto her bed, and headed to the fence where she knew a few people would be clearing off the walkers that had been gathering there. The nameless people from Woodbury gave her curious passing glances as she made her way through the building and along the gravel path that led between the fences. Karen stabbed the walkers by herself while Tyreese and Glenn stood a little farther down the fence. They were jabbing the ugly creatures in the head with fire pokers and crowbars. She quickly realized that she didn't have anything to help with. Karen ignored her when she cleared her throat to get her attention and she had to do it a few more times before she took notice. "What are you doing out here?" she asked with only a sideways glance and Amanda was taken aback by how aggravated Karen sounded. Amanda had walked all the way out there. She wasn't going to let one rude woman keep her from getting rid of her pent up tension in the only healthy way she could think of.

"I wanna help." Her words came out louder and stronger than she expected, but all Karen did was roll her eyes as she stopped what she was doing to face Amanda. Blood dripped off the tip of nasty crowbar as it dangled at Karen's side.

"If you want to help, go inside and stick your nose back in one of your precious books. We don't need any of you _youngsters_ getting hurt." Karen looked her up and down before she turned back to the walkers at the fence. Amanda's fists clenched and unclenched at her sides. She was not a child and she wasn't going to let Karen treat her like one. So she let her eyes search the ground around them before she found a three foot piece of re-bar. She hastily scooped it up and walked to the end of the line where the walker crowd was a little thinner. She didn't even think before plunging thick bar deep into the half rotted skull of the flesh eater that was pressing itself against the fence. It fell lifelessly to the ground when she pulled her weapon out. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?" Karen marched over to her and shoved her shoulder to get her to look at her.

Amanda was never the kind to fight. She just stared up challengingly at the older woman. "Hey, ladies, what's the problem here?" Glenn asked as he walked over looking between the two or them. Karen didn't speak and Amanda just went back to killing the undead. "Well?"

Karen still didn't answer him so Amanda stopped, turned around and put her hand on her hip. "I'm tired of sitting around like I bump on a log. I wanna help and this is the only way I know how." She wasn't going to say anything about Karen being unnecessarily rude. That would only make her sound like a whinny brat.

Glenn just nodded and walked back to where he had been. Karen glared at Amanda as she turned and walked a long ways down the fence before she got back to work. She didn't know why Karen didn't like her, but she really didn't care. She had never done anything to the woman so she wasn't going to worry about it. She just gripped the steel bar and focused all her energy on taking out the walkers.

She had been killing them for a while and stopped to take a short break when she started feeling light headed. She stumbled over to the inner fence and braced herself with her hand on her knees. She looked up when she felt a hand on her shoulder to see Tyreese looking down at her. "You need some water?"

"I…uh…" she stood and tried to answer him, but her vision started to tunnel and before she knew it she was falling into a world of black.

* * *

Amanda looked around to find that she was in her cell. She was confused for a minute before it all came back to her. The vague memory of her hands scraping down the chain link fence as she tried to grip it and the feel of Tyreese's hands on her shoulders as he caught her. When she tried to clear her throat Hershel walked in with a bottle of water and handed it to her. "You took a pretty bad fall out there." She sat up and grabbed her head when it started pounding. Hershel stepped up to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, but he pulled back when she gave him a warning look. Amanda knew why she had passed out, but she didn't know that getting too hot would affect her the way it did and she couldn't help the tears that started falling down her cheeks. "Are you ready to talk to me now?"

She sniffled and wiped at her cheeks ashamed that she had let him see her cry. "No." he took a few steps back at her answer and she made herself look at his wrinkled blue eyes. "But, I never will be so let's just get this over with." He hadn't been expecting that from her. He had been expecting her to make a run for it again. "What do you want to know?"

Hershel pulled up a chair and sat across from where she sat on her bed. "I need to know exactly how you've been feeling and how long you've been feeling that way. I know about the vomiting, is today the first time you've fainted?" Amanda nodded. "Anything else I need to know?" he asked and she took a deep breath as she looked at her hands as she twiddled her thumbs.

"Headaches." She confessed still not looking from her hands. "Random smells make me sick to my stomach, and my lower back has been hurting." Hershel managed to keep a blank face, but he had a pretty good idea of what was going on with her. "I'm pregnant… ain't I?" she asked numbly as she looked up at him.

Hershel nodded his head as he released a stressed breath. "I'm pretty sure that's what going on, but I'd still like you to take a test." She already knew she was pregnant, but hearing it, even unconfirmed, from a doctor's mouth was making her want to run. But when Hershel left and returned with a pink box in his hand she knew it was too late. She couldn't run anymore no matter how much she wanted to. "Lucky for you I worry about my daughter and her husband. So I have a few of these on hand." She took the box with a shaking hand and Hershel left the room.

* * *

She had been sitting there for ten minutes and she still hadn't looked at the test. She couldn't do it. Hershel's confirmation was bad enough, but seeing the hard core proof that she was going to have a baby was too much to handle. So finally she scooped the test up into her fist and stepped out of her cell to see Hershel waiting for her. She handed it to him. "I can't look." Hershel nodded as took the test out of her shaking hand. He kept his face stoic as he flipped it around to show her the two pink lines of confirmation.

She back up until her back pressed against the wall and slid down as silent tears shook her body. Hershel didn't know what to do. He didn't think that this girl would do very well being comforted in the same way that Beth or Maggie would. So he found the only person he thought would know what to do and brought her back to where Amanda was still crying in her cell. Carol sat down next to Amanda and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. Hershel was surprised when Amanda didn't try to pull away from her. Carol looked up at him and nodded letting him know she had the situation under control.

Carol just sat there and let her cry until her face was red, and her swollen eyes were out of tears. It was only then that Amanda even looked at her. "Ya didn't hafta sit here with me. I've cried by myself before." Her voice came out in a raspy whisper and Carol moved around to sit in front of her.

"I'm sure you have, but you don't have to anymore." Carol spoke softly knowing how moody this girl could be.

"Yeah, I guess I'm technically not alone anymore." Carol thought she was talking about her. "I mean, I _am_ pregnant." Saying it out loud brought on another wave of uncontrollable tears. "What am I gonna do, Carol? I can't have a baby. I can barely take care of myself how and I supposed to take care of another person?" her words were heavily tainted with sobs, but Carol caught most of it.

"I don't know, but what I do know is you won't have to do it by yourself." Carol assured her with a small smile, but Amanda didn't return it. "Look I hate to ask, but the father…?"

"Is dead." Carol thought the young woman's answer was too quick, but she let it go. Amanda pulled herself up only to have to brace herself against the wall when she got light headed. Carol only nodded knowing that this was probably a more sensitive subject than the pregnancy itself. "Now if ya don't mind I'm kinda tired." Amanda folded herself onto the bottom bunk before she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to still her shaking hands. When she opened her eyes again they slid back and forth between the thick duct tape covered journal that was on the small metal table and the front pocket of her bag that held her sewing kit. She wanted to pick up the kit and feel better for a few seconds, but instead she scooped up the journal and got to writing.

 _How could I have been so stupid? In the back of my mind I knew the he was lying. He didn't love me and now he will never know that he's going to have a child. God, a baby… I can't care for a baby. I don't_ want _to care for a baby. What am I gonna do…?_

Her thoughts were all over the place. Her hand started shaking so bad that she dropped the pen that was in her hand. She was suddenly pissed at herself, the governor, at everything and everyone. She braced her hands on the wall in front of her and slapped it and kicked it trying to get the bad energy out of her body. A wave of angry tears exploded from her as she took everything out on the brick wall. She didn't know how long she had sat there beating up the wall, but when she managed to stop she picked the pen in her sore hand and got back to writing.

 _I've only seen one woman live through having a baby in this shitty new world and she might not have died, but her baby did. I've tried so many times to kill myself, but now I don't want to die. And I don't want this baby, but I don't want to kill it either. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Carol said I don't have to do this alone, but I've never been anything_ but _alone. Just because I loved my family doesn't mean they ever loved me back. The only reason Dad ever taught me how to shoot a gun was so that he wouldn't have my death on his conscience. He and my brother knew I was going to die sooner or later and they probably thought it was going to be sooner. I'm too weak, too stupid and careless, so how and why have I made it so long? I don't deserve to keep living but I don't want to die. Just like I don't want to have a baby._

She stopped writing and looked up when she heard someone knock on the bars of the cell. When she didn't get up to see who was there Hershel's voice reached her ears. "Are you awake?" When she hard who it was she slowly walked over and pulled back the curtain. He looked her over taking in her general appearance before he spoke. "When was the last time you ate something?"

Now that she thought about it she hadn't eaten since that morning and it was almost time for supper. "This morning." He nodded as if he now understood something that she didn't. "Why do ya ask?"

"I think you passed out from low blood sugar and dehydration. That's common in pregnant women if they don't eat regularly and you got too hot out there." Amanda huffed out an apprehensive breath at his diagnosis. "Carol almost has dinner ready. You should come now if you want to be the first in line." She didn't want to go out into the crowded holding room with all the people, but she had to eat something. She had to take care of herself if not for her own well being then for her baby's. She didn't heed Hershel's advice on being the first person in line. She waited until everyone else had gotten into the room. Showing up first would only draw attention that she didn't want.

People only gave her their usual passing glances as she made her way through the holding room, grabbed a plate that was already made up then headed over to where Carol was sitting at a picnic table with Beth, who was holding the baby that she had first seen her with. "Hi." Amanda spoke quietly as she sat down beside Carol and glanced nervously at the baby in Beth's lap. The young blond was trying to feed the precious girl mushy green stuff out of a baby food jar. "What's her name?" The question uncharacteristically flew from her mouth before she could stop it and Carol glanced over at her surprised that she was talking without persuasion.

"Judith." Beth answered her not looking up from the fighting baby. "And apparently she doesn't like peas." She said with a laugh as she set the jar aside giving up for the moment. She offered her hand to Amanda who hesitantly shook it. "I don't think we've officially met, I'm Beth."

"Amanda." She chimed back with a forced smile before she glanced at Carol out of the corner of her eyes. The older woman was looking at her like she was baffled by the fact that Amanda was out and about, but Amanda ignored her and kept talking to Beth. "Is she yours?"

Beth shook her head sadly and looked at Carol before she turned her attention back to Amanda. "Her mother died during the birth."

Amanda's throat tightened and she started fiddling with the corned beef hash that was on her plate. "So she's an orphan." She spoke quietly, but not so quiet that they didn't hear her.

"Oh, no. She still has Rick and Carl." Beth answered and Amanda couldn't help the fleeting tinge of jealously that shot through her. Even a tiny baby had more than she ever did, a father and brother who cared for her. "And she has us of course." Beth added with a smile at Carol.

It was suddenly too much for her to handle. This baby's mother had died and she was going to too, but at least this baby had a family, not just her brother and father but the group that had been there before Woodbury moved in. They were all a family and she didn't have that, so who was going to care for her baby when she was gone? Nobody, she had nobody and her baby would be the same. The fork in her hand started shaking and she let it drop to her plate. "Are you okay?" Carol asked and put a hand on her shoulder.

"Yeah, fine, I just uh…I'm gonna eat in my cell tonight." She picked her pate up and hastily started walking to her cell as she looked at her feet, but when she walked though the cell room doorway she slammed into someone and her food when flying all over them. She expected to see some random mad person when she looked up, but when she did she was met by the steal blue eyes of Daryl. She wasn't aware that he had returned and the apology that was on the tip of her tongue vanished as she took a few steps back. "I…uh…" She took in the meat that was smeared all over his sleeveless flannel shirt and all over her hands and shirt as well.

Embarrassment got the best of her and she quickly ducked her head and walked around him practically running to her cell. Once inside she pressed her back against the wall and slowly sank down to the floor and pulled her knees to her chest. She didn't cry, she was done with that for today. It wouldn't help anything. It wouldn't make her less pregnant, or less stupid and clumsy. All it would do was make her eyes hurt and her throat sore. But there was something that would help, something she didn't want to do but she knew it would make her feel better.

So she put a stopper in the sink and washed her hands off with water from a bottle before she grabbed her bag and pulled her sewing kit out of the front pocket. The light of her lamp shined brightly off the blade of the exacto knife as she took it out if its elastic loop and pulled her dirty shirt off. She was about to press the blade to her stomach when she heard a knock at her door. She quickly put the knife in the kit before she tossed it on the bed and pulled a clean black shirt over her head. She watched as the curtain was drawn back just enough for and a muscular, dirt smeared arm to slide in with a plate in hand. When she didn't take it he waved it around as if to tempt her. She slowly walked over and took it from the familiar hand. The curtain didn't have a chance to fall back into place before she pulled it back to look at Daryl. Her eyes caught his for a split second before she let them fall to look at his dirty brown combat boots. "Sorry."

She looked up when he simply stated "Shit happens" and started walking away. But for some reason she didn't want him to walk away so she found herself calling out his name with no idea of what she was going to say after she got him to stop. "Yeah?"

Her eyes caught his again rendering her speechless. "Um…" she stumbled around for something to say. "When are ya leavin' again? To go look for the governor I mean." she felt the need to explain her question for fear of making him feel like she was pushing him out the door.

"The mornin. Why, ya want me to keep an eye out for somethin' ya need?" he asked and for a split second she thought about asking him to find her some prenatal vitamins. Instead of asking him for that she simply shook her head and said she was just curious. So she watched him walk away while wishing she wasn't so ashamed of her situation. She couldn't help but wonder if she would feel as hesitant about having a baby if it had been conceived with someone she loved.

That was impossible to think about, she couldn't picture herself being with someone she loved. She didn't know if it was because she would never love anyone, because she thought no one could ever love her, or if it was because the first man she thought she loved hurt her in a way that no girl should ever be hurt. She loved her family simply because they were the rich jerks that raised her and nothing more. They were the only people she had ever loved and they never loved her back.

So she ate her food at the small table in her cell thinking about this when Carol came to her mind. She had never met anyone like her. Carol held her when she cried, she had never had anyone do that and do it simply because they wanted to. Even though Amanda didn't want to care for any of the people here, she was happy she had met Carol. Amanda decided that she needed a friend, not for her sake but for her baby's. Her child would need someone to care for it if, or when, she died in childbirth. Carol seemed strong, caring and confident, the perfect person to care for her child. It was only a bonus that Carol had a motherly aura about her already.

When she was done eating she eyed her kit, the need to use it was gone. So she tucked it back into her bag and changed into comfortable clothes before she slid into bed and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 _She was holding her baby, a beautiful baby boy, and she couldn't love it more. It looked like the perfect combination of her and Merle. His blue eyes and her full lips with a prominent cupids bow. Even as a baby it had his strong jaw line, and curly hair, but its snow white skin came from her. She was sitting in a rocking chair in a blue nursery humming rock a by baby when the door suddenly burst open and the true father of her baby appeared in front of her. The scowl on his face made her curl the baby protectively into her chest._

 _"Give me my baby." His growling voice was cold as ice and his hands were balled into fists at his side. "Give me my little girl." He started slinking over to her in a way that made her want to run._

 _"Girl?" Amanda uncurled the baby from her chest only to see it morph. Her handsome baby boy was gone, replaced with the chubby oval face of a blond headed little girl. "But I… no she can't…" Amanda couldn't find words. The man snatched the baby out of her hands and backhanded her across the face before he started softly humming a creepy song to the baby._

Amanda sat straight up in bed with tears streaming down her face as she tried to recover from the horrible dream. She didn't know what it had meant, so she started talking to herself trying to figure it out. "It was just a dream. This isn't Merle's baby. Why did I dream that? _Him_ … _he…_ " Her whispered rambling faded off. She wanted to go back to sleep but she couldn't. Not after what she just dreamed. So she picked up her blank pad and started drawing whatever her hand desired.

Little did she know that Daryl had been sleeplessly walking the cellblock and heard her talking to herself. He was confused by her whispered words. Did she love Merle? Was she pregnant with his baby and what had she whispered about another man? He couldn't push her whispered words from his head as he made his way to his cell and sank down on his bed.

Hours later Amanda held her drawing up in the dim light and looked at the black and white baby on the page. She had re-created the little boy from her dream and it was so beautiful that she wished she hadn't. The curly haired baby on the paper would never be her baby. She could never be blessed with something that beautiful. She would be having the baby of a monster instead. It was the only thing keeping her from loving her baby the way she should. She left the drawing on her table and dragged her feet to her bunk where she flopped down and managed to sink into a restful sleep.

Amanda woke up feeling like she had only gotten five minutes of sleep when in all reality she had gotten four or five hours worth. Her bare feet dragged the floor as they crossed the short distance to the sink where she looked in the mirror. Oily locks of black hair were clinging to the sweat that had built up on her forehead during the night. The ponytail that had been holding her braid together was missing making her hair hang loosely around her shoulders.

After searching her bed for her ponytail holder and combing out the difficult tangles she braided it back onto her usual French braid that started above her right ear and wrapped around the back of her head to hang over her left shoulder. Every once in a while the thought of cutting her hair would cross her mind. It was too long and could probably be dangerous, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. So for now a French braid was the only hairstyle that she could think of that would keep her hair contained and out of the way.

She was wrapping her small rubber band around the end of her braid when Carol's voice rang out for her. "Amanda, you awake?" she asked.

"Yeah, ya can come in if ya want." Her voice was rough considering it was the first word she had spoken since waking up so she grabbed a bottle of water and took a sip.

"This is different." Amanda noticed a hint of awe in Carol's voice and glanced away from the mirror to see that she had picked up the picture that laid forgotten on the table. "Is this what you picture your baby to look like?" Carol asked and she shook her head. She watched as the older woman turned her head from side to side studying the picture. The longer she looked at it the more uneasy Amanda started to feel. "It kind of looks like Merle." The observation was exactly what Amanda was afraid of so she lightly plucked the picture out of Carol's hands and placed it inside her drawing pad instead of pinning it to the wall with the others.

Carol couldn't help but wonder if Merle was the father of this young woman's baby. She had said that the baby's father was dead, Merle was dead and this baby looked a lot like him. "It's just a drawing." Amanda said quietly as she purposely avoided Carol's eyes. "So what did you need?" Carol wasn't surprised that Amanda was being so blunt, she would be a little testy too if she just found out that she was pregnant.

"Oh, I came to ask if you wanted to help me cook breakfast." Amanda cringed at little at the woman's question. She couldn't even manage to cook ramen noodles before the world came to an end.

"Um, I would, but I can't cook." Amanda knew this could be her opportunity to get her foot in with making friends with Carol. So when Carol started to walk away she knew she had to stop her. "But if there's anything else that I could do I'm willing to help."

Carol turned around and gave Amanda a small smile. "Well, I'm sure we can find something for you to do. Just meet me in the holding room and we'll go from there." Carol said with a small smile before she left. The older woman was surprised that Amanda was jumping in a helping when she had just found out that she was pregnant. Carol knew that if she were in Amanda's place she would hide in her cell for a few days just to let it sink in. But Amanda seemed to have gotten over the initial shock pretty quickly. This thought gave Carol the idea that maybe Amanda had known for a while and just didn't want to face it.

When they got to the gas powered camp stove that was set up in the holding room Amanda crossed her arms over her chest uncomfortably and glanced around the half empty room. "So obviously I shouldn't help clear the fence anymore." She thought out loud before she looked back to Carol.

"Why not?" she asked before she remembered that Amanda fainted. "Oh, you can help with that if you want to. You only passed out because you were malnutrition and dehydrated on top of being pregnant. You can still do all of the things that you normally would, just as long as you eat right and drink plenty of water." Amanda nodded; glad that being pregnant wasn't going to hold her down in anyway. "But a shift schedule has already been drawn up for today. We're lacking people to do laundry, and help Rick in the garden." Amanda smiled for a second before it slowly faded into a frown. "What?" Carol asked taking in the quick facial changes.

Amanda snapped out of her thoughts to smile again at Carol. "I think I'll go see what I can do to help Rick in the garden." Carol looked her up and down and Amanda noticed. "What?" Carol just shook her head and they both laughed. "I know I don't look it, but I know a little about gardens." Amanda said getting defensive and Carol smiled as she held her hands up in surrender.

"I didn't say anything, but just for curiosity's sake, how do you know about gardening. You look a little…citified. No offense." They both looked at the worn silver letter spelling out Aeropostile across her black shirt.

"Yeah, ya kinda got me on that one." She dropped her hands from her hips and leaned against the table. "When I was little I helped my mom with what she called her victory garden. She would take the vegetables to the local homeless shelters, said it was her way of giving back."

"Well that was sweet of her." Carol chimed in with a smile, but Amanda's grimace made her smile fade.

"My parents were wealthy, if she wanted to be sweet and help them, she would have given them money, not the few bushels of carrots and broccoli that came out of her stupid garden." When she realized what she had said Amanda shook the grimace off of her face and made herself smile at Carol. "But whatever, that's in the past. So I'll see ya for lunch? I kinda have some questions about my…pregnancy."

"So ya _are_ pregnant?" Amanda jumped from the sound of Daryl's voice behind her and she spun around to see him holding an empty bowl. Amanda could only make herself nod at him. She hadn't had to tell anyone yet and she didn't know how people were going to react. "Figured ya was. Never seen a woman toss her cookies over the smell of honeysuckle before." Carol laughed because Daryl had already told her about Amanda throwing up on their way back when Amanda ran away. "I'll keep a look out for some prenatal's while I'm out there."

Daryl walked away after Carol slapped a glob of morning mush into his bowl then another into one for her. "You need to eat before you help Rick. It's getting hotter out there every day." Amanda just shook her head before she walked around to stand on the same side of the table as carol and get out of the way of the building line.

"So how does a man like Daryl know about prenatal vitamins?" Amanda asked as she picked up a spoon and started helping Carol pass out food.

"He was around the whole time Lori was pregnant, and he's observant. There's not much you can get buy him without him noticing." Amanda let her eyes slip to the rough looking man several time's while eating her food.

"I'm assuming Lori is Judith's mom?" Amanda asked and Carol hummed out a yes. "I'm assuming I need to keep my mouth shut about her around Rick? I mean he probably doesn't like to talk about it, huh?" she asked and Carol gave her a sad nod.

With that in mind, Amanda headed outside to the garden that mostly just looked like tilled ground at this point. Rick was knelt down looking at one of the plants that Amanda couldn't place. "Uh," she started, not knowing what to say to the man. He stood at the sound of her voice and turned to her with a questioning look. "You're Rick, right?" she asked stupidly. She already knew who his name.

"Yeah, how can I help you?" he asked, looking down at her. The man was almost a foot taller than her.

"Um, Carol sent me out here to help with the garden." She looked down and tucked an invisible hair behind her ear out of the need to do something with her hands. "So I guess I should be asking how I can help you." She nervously joked.

Rick gave her a small before he looked back at his garden with a sigh. "Uh," he scratched the back of his head and placed his other hand on his hip, "I really don't know what there is for you to do. Kinda don't know much about it myself." He admitted.

Amanda walked around him to examine the rows and the tiny little sprouts. "Well, you can start by getting the nut grass out." She informed, trying to sound like her mother minus the cold tone. "If you don't pluck it out on a regular basis it'll take over everything." She kneeled down between the rows and started plucking.

Rick moved to the row across from her and gave her a curious look. Not that she saw it because she wasn't even looking at him. "What's your name?" he asked, having never seen or met the pail, dark headed girl before.

"Amanda." She told him quietly and she didn't look up until there was a hand in front of her face.

She looked up to see that he had extended his nimble hand out for her to shake. So slowly and hesitantly she placed her hand in his soft cold one and gave it a single shake. "Nice to meet you, Amanda." He said with a smile before he let her hand go. "What else do you know about this stuff?" he asked, striking up an informative conversation that came surprisingly easy to her. It made time fly by for both of them.

It wasn't until Carol came out to see how they were doing that they realized that the sun was at its highest point on the sky. "Hey, have you eaten lunch?" the older woman asked and Amanda shook her head no. "You probably should. What about water, have you been drinking plenty?" Amanda rolled her eyes and held up her half empty bottle of water. Rick gave the two women a questioning look as to why Carol was so interested in the eating and drinking habits of a woman who seemed perfectly capable of remembering to eat and drink on her own. Carol waved him off saving Amanda from having to explain. "How about we go grab some lunch?" Carol asked and Amanda shrugged as she started walking to the building without another word.

The woman's behavior struck Rick as odd. As he watched her and Carol head inside he couldn't help but be intrigued by the young woman.

 **A/N:** Sorry for the long wait. I decided to take a break from all things fan fiction, but I'm back now. Lol.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: See Chapter one and two. Self harm and all that.

The difference between Surviving and Living.

Chapter 5

~Day 4 at the prison~

 _I still can't believe I'm pregnant, but I'm starting to show, so I can't deny it anymore. I don't know how far along I am. My best guess is that I'm somewhere around 14 weeks. Hershel, the group doctor, said that there are 40 weeks in a normal pregnancy, so I have a long time to get used to the fact that I'm gonna have a baby. A baby who's half…_ him _. I can't help but look at this baby like it's a monster. I know that's wrong, but I can't help it._

 _On a lighter note, I've been working with Rick in the garden out in the yard. According to prison gossip Rick used to run this place, but he stepped down and now it's run by a counsel of people. I like helping Rick in the garden. I don't know a whole heck of a lot, but I do remember most of what Mom would ramble on about when she made me help her in her "victory garden" as she called it. I've also been helping keep walkers off of the fences that surround this place. It feels good to be useful. I didn't think that was something I could be anymore. I've been useless for so long. Anyway, I guess I should get some sleep._

~Day 11 at the prison~

 _I felt the baby move last night. I can't explain how weird it felt to have this tiny life moving around in me. I still don't know how I'm going to take care of this thing if I make it through the birth, but I'm starting to think that I can do it. Yeah, I don't like who its father is, but I've realized that while this baby is part him it's also half me._

 _I'm still helping out Rick and Hershel in the garden, I'm not super needed, because I've taught Rick all that I know and three people in a garden at once is a little over kill, but I don't mind hangin. And they haven't told me to buzz off yet so I'm still going to help. G2g, Carol's calling me._

~Day 18 at the prison~

 _Life is comfortable here. They've started bringing in new people that they find on runs, building the population. It's cool and all, but I don't like people and the more people we have here the more walkers that are drawn out of the wood works by the smell of fresh meat. I'm scared that they are eventually going to become too much for us to handle and break the fences._

 _The chatter of the people outside my cell gets on my nerves and I still retreat to the library every once in a while to get some peace and quiet, but sometimes there's someone there. It's so damn hard to get any alone time in this place. At least at Woodbury there were plenty of places to escape to. Here we're all ontop of eachother, which is fine if you're a social creature, but as you know, I'm not. Carol's cool and I think I've built a solid friendship with her. Also on a slightly brighter note, I haven't cut in weeks. I haven't felt the need. Writing in this journal is good enough for now._

 _I've been trying to figure out what I would do with this baby if I lived in a normal world. You know, if I had the choice of keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption. I've never been one for abortion so that's out of the question. I think if I had the choice I would give it up. It would have a better life with someone who was prepared to take care of it and love it the way it should be loved. I'm afraid I'll treat it differently because of who its father is. Well, as always I've Gotta go._

* * *

As the weeks past Amanda fell into a routine. Wake up, get cleaned up and dressed, help Carol pass out food and get an unwanted cooking lesson, and then go out in the garden with Rick and Hershel. Surprisingly if Hershel wasn't talking she was and she was starting to get attached to the old man who reminded her of a good department store Santa.

This is where she was when Daryl and Michonne came back from tracking The Governor. As Rick walked over to them Amanda couldn't help but follow. If they had found and killed the governor then she would want to be one of the first people to know about it. Both Daryl and Michonne looked like they hadn't showered in weeks and it was probably because they hadn't.

"Did you find him?" Rick asked emotionlessly from where he stood at the open window of the car that Daryl was driving.

"Na, trail went cold." Daryl answered gruffly before his blue eyes traveled to Amanda where she stood a few feet behind Rick with her arms crossed over her chest. The first thing he noticed was how her once porcelain skin had taken on a slightly darker tone from being in the sun every morning and afternoon. The second thing he noticed was that her pregnancy was starting to show. "How far along are ya now?" he didn't know why he asked, but he was curious. Rick turned to her with questioning eyes that she ignored.

"Sixteen or seventeen weeks." She answered uncomfortably.

Daryl just started at her wondering silently if the baby was Merle's. Like he had told her, Merle didn't make friends with a woman unless he was looking to get some. "Who's the father?" his inward question slipped from his lips by accident.

"No one." She answered, her monotone voice sounding defensive and she tightened her arms over her chest.

"Babies don't just make themselves." This statement earned him a slap on the arm and scolding eyes from Michonne. "It's gotta have a dad."

At this statement Amanda turned with a huff and headed back to the garden to finish pulling the nut grass that had grown over night. She knew people would start asking questions when they learned that she was pregnant, especially the people from Woodbury. After all, they had never even seen her with a man, so naturally they would be curious as to which Woodbury resident had knocked her up. She was too caught up in her thoughts and pulling aggressively at the grass to hear Rick walk up and crouch down next to her. "So you're pregnant?" he asked making her jump in surprise. "I scare you?" he asked with an amused smirk at her.

"No, I just didn't hear you walk up." she said flatly as she continued to pull grass. "And yes, I am pregnant." She answered without looking at him.

"Well that explains a few things." He told her with a smile as he pulled a weed.

"Like what?" she asked, but Rick didn't answer because he was raised better than to tell a woman that she had gained weight and was having mood swings. "Like how I'm getting fat?" she asked as she looked up to see Rick looking at her a bit shocked. She couldn't help but crack a smile at his expression.

"Somethin' like that." He answered with a smirk back at her before they went back to their usual routine.

* * *

Later that night, when the sun had set and a cool breeze blew through the open barred windows of the prison, Amanda showered in the empty bathroom. This was one of her favorite times of day because sometimes this was the only solitude she would get. When she was done enjoying the relaxing cold shower she dressed and headed to the library, hoping that for once it would be empty.

But as she opened the door she was met with blue eyes and dark hair that needed to be cut. "Sorry." Amanda apologized and started to back out.

"Don't gotta go just cause I'm here." Daryl's gruff voice caused her to stop.

She gave him a nod and went inside, leaving the door open behind her. "I just need to find a new book then I'll be out of your hair." She told him as she started walking along the shelves perusing the titles.

"Not in my hair." He argued flatly making her glance over the shelf she was at to look at him. He was stretched out on a couch that sat under a window with his feet propped up on the coffee table that sat in front of it. He could feel her eyes on him, but didn't look up from the random book he had pulled off of a shelf to try to read.

"Do you read often?" she asked as she looked back down at the shelf still looking for a book.

"Na, just tryin' to see what my brother saw in it." he explained before things fell silent. After inspecting the tallest shelf in the back of the room she finally found something that interested her. She was headed to the door when Daryl spoke again. "What type of books did Merle read?" he asked. Amanda sighed as she looked at him. Did he not know his brother at all? She walked over to the shelf that she knew would hold the book that Merle read most often than not. She plucked the dark leather bound book off of the shelf and walked over to hand it to Daryl. He looked at her like she was crazy after reading the gold lettering. "The bible? Ya messin' with me girl?" he asked with glaring eyes.

They way he asked the question reminded her of Merle. "No. The fact that he read that book more than others is another thing I was asked not to tell anyone about." She answered honestly.

"What else do you know about my brother that I don't?" he asked sounding confused.

"I don't know. I can't answer that question without knowing what all _you_ know about him." She answered deciding that he wasn't going to let her leave without some kind of answers. So she sat down on the old plush chair in the corner. He didn't say anything so she did. "I only ever talked to Merle when we were in the library. _That_ Merle was nice. Well, as nice as a grumpy man like him could be." she said with a smile that that only happened when she talked about Merle. "He talked about you a lot. Hoped that you were taking care of his bike." She stopped talking to see Daryl's reaction to her words. "He also hoped that you hadn't decided to start taking all the shit that he left behind on the bike." She observed Daryl's reaction to her words trying to gage if he did or not. As usual his expression was unreadable. All he did was bite as his nails and look at her through glaring eyes.

Not getting any kind of response from him she decided that it would be best if she shut her mouth and did what she came in here to do. So she scooted back in the chair and pulled her feet up into it to rest the book on her knees. She saw Daryl toss the bible onto the table before he opened the book he had been reading. The library fell silent for a few minutes and she had just gotten lost in the world that she held in her hands when he spoke, making her jump from the unexpected sound. "I didn't take his stuff." At his gruff answer her green eyes left her book to look into his clear blue ones. "It was mostly antibiotics and pain meds. The group needed 'em more than I did."

"What about the cocain?" she asked without thinking.

"Tossed it." he answered not breaking the intense glare her question had earned her.

Needing to get away from him and all talk of Merle she dog eared the page she was on and snapped the book shut. With a yawn and a stretch she headed to the door, but for some reason she felt the need to say something else to him. So she turned back to him while nervously tapping the paperback book on the palm of her hand. "Hey, just so you know, I wouldn't have blamed you if you used his stuff."

She was surprised when he walked over to glare down at her, towering over her. "I didn't." he practically growled.

"I didn't say you did. I'm just saying…we all have ways of coping." She said, not being scared of him. Merle had towered over her the same way one day.

"Is that what ya call that shit cha do you yer stomach? Coping?" he asked, glaring at her through the dark hair that hung in his face.

She stared up at him with wide eyes, tears pooling in them, but not spilling over. "No, I call it control." She answered before she pulled the door open and turned her back on Daryl to leave, but he grabbed her wrist stopping her. For some reason he cared about this strange chick.

She turned to stare up at his blue eyes with her own glaring green ones. "How…" Daryl started to ask her how he could help her stop cutting, but he couldn't bring himself to ask a stranger such a question. "Have ya done it since I brought ya back?" he asked instead with a gravelly voice that came out softer than he intended.

"No." She answered truthfully and flatly. He gave her a look that said he didn't believe her. "Can I have my hand back?" she asked as she twisted her hand in his grip uncomfortably. Daryl looked down at her wrist in his hand as if he had forgotten that he was holding it. Blinking away his thoughts he let her go.

"Did my brother know about…" he didn't know the right word to call what she does to herself.

"Me cutting?" she asked and he nodded while biting his lip. "No. Our friendship was a little one sided." She admitted as she walked around him back into the middle of the library.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Daryl asked as he turned to look at her.

"It means he was usually the one doing all the talking. I knew more about his past than he knew about mine." She answered as she crossed her arms over her chest, not liking his glaring eyes on her.

Her statement made Daryl cross his arms over his chest and tuck his fingers into the armholes uncomfortably. "What all did he tell you?"

"Probably more than you'd be comfortable with." She answered. Seeing now that they were going to have a long conversation she sat back down in the recliner and pulled her feet up in it like before. Except this time, she hugged her knees to her chest.

Daryl watched her, taking in her wet hair that was braided to the side, her dark red v-neck t-shirt and basket ball shorts that were meant for men than hung down to her knees. When his eyes slid form the hem of the shorts to her long pail legs he jerked his eyes away and cleared his throat. Following her led he sat back down on the couch and propped his feet up on the table. "Tell me what he told you."

"He told me that you two didn't have it easy growing up." she stated in her pleasant monotone voice. Daryl snorted and looked away from her. She didn't miss the fact that he started biting his nails. "He told me your father used the two of you as a punching bag. That you were always the sweet one."

Daryl scoffed and looked at her. "I ain't sweet."

"I didn't say you were, he did." she countered. "But from what I can see he's right. You gave the meds to the group and you've been talking to me for a while now and you haven't hit on me. That in itself makes you nicer than Merle." Daryl just stared at her, glaring. So she took it that he wasn't used to being complemented or having good things about him pointed out. Merle had reacted the same way. "Merle said he tried to take as many beatings for you as possible, but he couldn't always be there to protect you."

"Sounds like he spilled his fuckin' guts to ya, girl." Daryl said taking his hand from his mouth to growl at her in true Dixon style. "What he get in return?"

"You still think I slept with Merle don't cha?" she asked. "He's not my baby's father, Daryl."

"Then who the hell is?" he asked as he stood up and glared down at her.

"Why do you care so much?" she asked standing up to glare right back up at him.

"Because if that baby's my family I have a right to know about it." he practically yelled at her while waving his arms around.

"It's not!" she yelled on the verge of tears. "You have no idea how badly I wish this baby was Merle's instead of…" her yelling trailed off having almost dropped the name of the father of her baby, " _Him._ " She said as a few tears fell.

Damn. He hadn't meant to make the girl cry. "Why ya wish it was his if ya wasn't sleeping with him?" he asked as he backed off until his back hit a shelf.

"Because I hate my baby! I hate the father of this baby." She admitted through sobs. "Maybe if this baby was his…if it belonged to someone I loved then..." She turned her back on him and sobbed into her hands.

Daryl watched her back that shook with her sobs. How could she hate her own baby? The only reason Daryl could come up with is if she was raped. And that thought made him cringe inside. He had no control over his feet as he walked closer to her and set his hand on her shoulder blade. "Didn't mean to make ya cry." He said softly, but when her muscle turned to stone under the thin fabric of her shirt it dawned on him that if she was raped she probably didn't want to be touched by him. So he removed his hand and she turned to look at him.

"It's fine, not the first time I've cried. Won't be the last." She said as she brushed him off and grabbed her book of off the table, getting ready to leave.

"So you loved my brother?" he asked quietly.

She sighed and nodded. "He was the best friend I ever had." She shrugged and headed to the door and pulled it open. But before she left she turned back to see Daryl biting his finger nail as he stared at the floor. "Goodnight, Daryl."

He jerked his eyes from the floor and dropped his hand from his mouth. "Night, 'manda." He almost whispered before she turned and left him standing there.

* * *

 _She sighed at the strange feelings shooting through her every limb as she kissed him back with her soft inexperienced lips. "I love you, Amanda, you know that, right?" he asked with a serious face._

" _Of course." She smiled up at him, still a little breathless from his expert kiss. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't know that." He smiled down at her, his blue eyes sparkling with what she believed at the time to be love. She smiled a rare bright smile up at him as she ran her palm over his salt and pepper stubble. Yes he was older than her, but in this world you couldn't worry too much about age differences._

" _Do you love me too?" he asked, his voice deep with lust._

 _She swallowed hard, love was not something she played around with. Did she love him? "Yes." She whispered her answer and he beamed at her. Her hand slid from his stubbly cheek as he leaned in and pressed his lips back to hers. He never broke the kiss as he slowly stripped her of her clothes then did the same to himself. It was only while he sank himself into her that he broke this kiss and made eye contact._

 _Her dream skipped to the next night, when she let herself into his house. When she didn't see him waiting for her in the living room like she usually did she went upstairs. Moaning hit her ears when she got to the top, making her heart skip a beat. But being too curious for her own good she softly padded her way to his bedroom and peeked inside the cracked door._

 _There on his bed, the same bed they had shared the previous night, laid a woman with blond hair that fanned out over his pillow. The woman's hands clawed at his back as he screwed her. Amanda couldn't help the cry that escaped her. She slapped her hand over her mouth to stifle it, but it was too late. He had heard her and instead of stopping his actions on the blond he smirked at Amanda and kept thrusting. Amanda ran from the house with her hand still over her mouth and tears slipping down her face._

Amanda jerked awake, placing her hand over her mouth to muffle her loud cries. With her other hand she grabbed her pillow and placed it on her bent knees. With her face pressed into the pillow her cries were hidden from ears of the sleeping people in the cells next to her. When she quieted down she placed the damp pillow back at the head of the bed and laid back down. That night was just one of the many that she had spent crying herself back to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter one. **Trigger Warning:** Mentions of cutting and Rape/Molestation.

 **The Difference Between Surviving and Living**

 **Chapter 6**

The next morning Amanda woke up, washed up then dressed in jeans and a dark green quarter sleeved thermal shirt and headed outside. She was wiping sleepily at her eyes as she walked up to where Rick was finishing up a contraption for the beans to grow on. "You look like hell warmed over." He commented noticing the dark circles that marred the pale skin under her eyes.

"Boy, Rick, you sure know how to make a woman feel good about herself." She quipped back jokingly not really minding his comment.

"You sleep alright last night?" He asked with only a smirk at her statement.

"Not really." She said with a yawn as she kneeled down and examined a small green bean bush.

"Any particular reason?" Rick asked just trying to strike up a conversation that didn't have to do with plants.

"Just couldn't sleep." She answered not feeling like explaining herself.

"Bad dream?" He asked since bad dreams were usually the reason he couldn't sleep at night. She only looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and nodded. "You know, sometimes it helps to talk about it." he said, encouraging her to talk to him. As far as he knew Carol was the only friend that Amanda had here. When Rick asked Carol about the girl, all she said was that Amanda was having trouble coping with her pregnancy.

She was kneeled down on the opposite side of the row a few feet from him as she pulled a sprig of grass out of the moist soil before she looked at him out of the corners of her eyes. "Trust me, you don't want to hear about it." she said before she broke eye contact to piddle with the blades of grass before she tossed them out of the garden.

"Try me." he encouraged. They had spent several mornings in the garden talking and he still felt like he didn't know anything about the young woman.

"No, thanks." her answer was short, but she didn't sound hostile or aggravated.

"Why not?" he pressed and she didn't look at him. She just kept her eyes downcast as she continued to pull at weeds. Thinking she just hadn't heard him he restated his question. "Come on, tell me about it. We talk all the time but you don't talk about yourself."

She finally stopped pulling the weeds to look at him across the row of plants. "Because I don't make a habit of telling people my sob stories."

Rick let the subject drop after that and went back to the garden. But after a while the quiet started to get to him. Normally this is when he would strike up a conversation with Hershel, but he was across the yard talking to Glenn about something. So he looked back at where Amanda had started watering the first row of plants. "So, Amanda, what did you do before the turn?" he asked.

She stopped what she was doing to look at him with her wide green eyes and brush a strand of hair that had slipped out of her braid behind her ear. As his eyes followed her hand movement he noticed for the first time the industrial piercing at the top of her right ear. Instead of the normal bar though, hers was a silver arrow. It somehow suited her. "I had just graduated high school. I was working at Hot Topic to save money to go to college." She answered as she went back to watering the small plants.

Her answer just reminded him exactly how young she really was. "What were you planning on majoring in?" he asked to keep the conversation going.

"I don't know, I was stuck between sign language and something in the dental field." She answered as she stared down at the plants. "What about you? What did you do before the turn?" She asked hoping to steer the conversation away from herself. Why she wanted to keep talking to him when she didn't really like talking to anyone, she didn't know. His questions were making her uncomfortable, but she somehow liked talking to him.

"I worked for the king county police department." He answered blandly. When he looked up from his work he saw her staring at him with a distant look on her face. "What?" he asked wondering why she was looking at him like that.

"I was just thinking." She said with a shake of her head before she started watering the second row of plants.

"About what?" he asked cautiously.

"Were you an honest cop? Or were you one of those cops that played dirty and abused your power?" she asked as she looked down at the small plants, watching the beads of water roll over their leaves and fall into the surrounding soil.

"I was an honest cop." He answered with a small laugh.

His answer caused her to look up at him with raised brows. "Was?" she asked.

"Things changed when the dead started walking and all power of a uniform and badge went out of the window." He explained.

"Do you still consider yourself a good guy?" she asked not looking at him, but instead at the water that showered the plants.

"I like to think so, yeah." He answered almost hesitantly. When she didn't say anything back he looked up to see her no longer watering the plants, but instead she was staring down at her converse covered feet with a distant look on her face. "You're thinking about something again." It was more of an observation than a question, but she still nodded her head, not looking up at him. "What about?"

"How I wish I'd met a cop as nice as you when I was little." She answered with a sad smile before she turned her eyes back to the ground. She hadn't meant to say that, why did she say that? All it would do was make him ask more questions.

"Why would you have needed an officer at such a young age?" he asked as he stood up and dusted his hands off on his pants.

She didn't say anything as she finished watering the row she had been working on. It ended where Rick stood with his hands on his hips watching her. She sighed and swiped a loose lock of hair out of her face before she looked at him with squinted eyes, trying to figure out if she should tell him anything. He watched her bite her bottom lip and let it slide between her white straight teeth. Seeing her internal debate he gave her a look that told her she could talk to him. She swiped at her hair again before she said "Let's just say something bad happened to me and I went to the police station and told the man there what happened." She then moved to refill the watering can with water from a five gallon bucket that Rick had filled from the river that ran near the prison.

"So what did he do?" Rick asked, trying not to stare at her curvy butt that faced him as she bent over to dip the watering can into the bucket. He shouldn't look at her like that, she was practically still a child compared to him, but he was a human male after all. He'd be blind not to notice how attractive she was even if she tried to hide it under dark shirts and baggy jeans.

She stood back up and walked over to stand a few feet away from him. "Nothing. He just told me that if I didn't have any proof then it didn't happen. And I didn't have proof so…" she said with a flat face and a shrug as she walked around Rick and started watering again.

"Your parents didn't do anything about whatever happened?" he asked, knowing that now was the time to stop asking questions, but he couldn't help it. What happened to this woman when she was little that the police couldn't or wouldn't do anything about?

"My parents never knew I went to the police. They never even knew anything happened." She answered with her voice even more monotone now than it usually was. "Well, they knew something happened. They just didn't care enough to ask what."

"Where did you used to live?" he asked, wondering if he knew the man that had told her this.

"Nowhere near King County, if that's what you're wondering." She answered and after that Rick let the conversation go and they worked in silence until all the plants were properly taken care of.

She spent the rest of her day keeping busy. Rather it was washing clothes for those who didn't have the time or ability to do so or just little things around the prison, she kept her mind and her hands busy. When nighttime came around and people flooded the prison buildings she felt stifled. So she waited until she knew they had all showered and just like the night before she showered alone and retired to the library. She was hoping that it would be empty, but when she opened the door the first thing she noticed was Rick's head poking out over one of the shelves on her left. So out of the need to be far away from people in general she veered to the right.

It was quiet in the dimly lit room as she put the book she had borrowed the previous night back where it went and started looking for another one. After finding another book that interested her she walked over to the couch, glancing a couple of times in Rick's direction as she did. She was happy to find that he was paying her no attention. So she sat down on the couch and pulled her knees to her chest, propping the book up on them as she opened it.

After Rick found a Louis L'amour book he headed her way. He was about to sit down on the opposite end of the couch when she suddenly shifted and stretched her legs out over it, blocking his way. Okay, she clearly didn't want him to sit near her. So he settled into the arm chair and opened the book.

They had both been reading for quite some time when Rick finally closed his book and yawned with a stretch. "What type of book are you reading?" he asked, trying to strike up a conversation with the young woman.

"Uh, mystery romance I think." She answered not looking up from the Nora Roberts book she was reading.

"You like romance novels?" he thought it odd that she was reading a romance novel. Looking at her you would think she would read science fiction.

"Not really, it's more the mystery part I prefer." Rick laughed to himself making her look at him where he sat leaning forward in the chair with his elbows rested on his knees. "What?" she asked with a blank face. The way she rarely showed emotion kind of reminded him of Daryl. They were both always so guarded.

"Nothing. Mystery just fits you is all." He said with a shake of his head and a small smile.

"What's that supposed to mean?" she asked.

"It means you're a mysterious woman." He said as he sat his book down on the table letting her know he was going to be staying a while.

"Am not." She answered feeling the heat of a blush creep onto her cheek. Trying to hide it and feeling stupid for blushing at his statement she propped her book up higher on her knees and tried to go back to reading.

"Are too." He argued knowing how childish it sounded, but he didn't care. She didn't argue back, but continued to pretend to read. "Seriously though, we've been working together in the garden for how long now and I still feel like I don't know anything about you other than you are interested in sign language and dentistry." He said.

She lust looked at him through her lashes over her book as she thought about what he said. There was only one person in this prison that she considered a friend and that was Carol. That was one person to take care of her baby if she died in childbirth. One person wasn't enough to raise a child. Rick had a baby and from what she had seen of him with Judith he was good with her. He had also raised Carl, and the young man seemed like a good kid. So why not make friends with Rick so that her child would have some kind of man in its life? Well, she could think of a few reasons why not, but they were all completely unfounded. Finally she closed her book, dropped her feet off of the couch and tossed to book onto the coffee table. "Fine, If you wanna get to know me then get to know me. Ask me anything and I'll answer." she said sounding tired, but ready for his questions.

"Okay. Have any of the council members asked you the three questions?" he asked.

She gave him a confused sideways look. "The three questions?"

"Yeah. They came up with three basic questions to ask people to help decide if they will be allowed into the prison or not. They've been asking everyone from Woodbury just to make sure they should be allowed to stay." He explained and she just shrugged. "How many walkers have you killed?" he asked.

"I lost count a long time ago." She answered honestly with a sad tone.

Rick just nodded, it was the expected answer. "How many people have you killed?"

"None." She answered honestly again.

"Why?" he asked.

She cocked her head to the side, confused by his question. "Why what?"

"Why haven't you killed anyone?" he asked, motioning for her to answer the question.

"Because I don't kill the living." She stated as if it were the obvious answer.

"Have you ever wanted to?" he had gotten the answer to the questions that the council had come up with, but now he was just curious.

"Mmhmm." She hummed as her eyes moved to stare at the hardwood floor.

"Before or after the turn?" he asked, trying to look her in the eyes, but she didn't even notice.

"Both." Her eyes turned dark making him wonder if who she wanted to kill before the turn had anything to do with what happened when she was little. But he didn't get a chance to ask her before she blinked her eyes rapidly then turned to him and said "That was more than three questions."

"Hey, you said I could ask what I wanted. You didn't say how many questions I could ask you." he argued.

She rolled her eyes as she pulled her feet back up onto the couch and hugged her knees to her chest. "Okay, whatever." She said with a sigh that for some reason made Rick smile.

Rick decided to keep his questions light for now. "What's your full name?"

"Amanda Jade Burch." She answered with her arms still wrapped around her knees and her chin resting on them.

"What's your favorite color?" he asked.

"Cobalt blue." She answered as she dropped her feet to the floor, a little less nervous since he was asking easy questions. At the same time, though, she wondered why he wasn't asking harder questions, especially after their conversation this morning.

Knowing that she had been expecting him to try to dig into her past he decided to do just that. "What… What happened to you when you were little?" She sighed and shook her head no. "You said I could ask you anything." Rick said with a small shrug.

"I told you, I don't tell sob stories." She said with a look of fear and sadness in her eyes before she sucked her plump bottom lip into her mouth and bit down.

"Not even if someone's on the mood for a sob story?" he asked. Despite it being the end of the world and that his past profession was now considered a thing of the past, it was still in his nature to help. And this young woman needed help.

"It's personal, Rick. So personal that I never even told my parents about it. Not that those oblivious bastards would have done anything about it."

"Then why don't you tell me? I'd do something about it if I could." He offered.

She smiled at him, a rare genuine smile. "I thank you for that, Rick," the smiled faded as she turned her eyes to the floor, "but I'm not gonna tell you anythin'."

"Why not?" he asked as he watched her grab her book and stand up.

"Because I don't know you." she answered with a sad look at him before she headed to the door.

Rick stood up to follow her, but stopped himself. "Then get to know me."

She stopped with the door half open and turned to look at him. "It's nothing personal, but I don't want to." He just stared at her as she walked out the door and closed it behind her.

" _So much for makin' a friend._ " She thought to herself as she walked quietly to her cell with her arms wrapped around herself in a tight hug. The need to run a blade across her skin was strong tonight. It had been weeks since her last cut and she was starting to feel withdrawals. Of course they were all in her head. There really were no withdrawal signs, not like with legit drugs. No fever or sweating or anything, but she still felt them none the less. To her it felt like there was a balloon inside her that grew bigger and bigger with every emotion she felt. Since she hadn't cut in so long she was starting to really feel the pressure.

When she got inside the tight confinements of her cell she picked up the bag that she refused to unpack and pulled out her journal and her sewing kit. Her eyes bounced between the two objects in her hands. The sewing kit would bring her release and a quick end to the pressure she was feeling, but the journal would slightly suppress the need to do the former. Eventually, the kit was thrown on the bed and she flipped to an empty page of the journal. With a sigh she sat down at the small metal table and started writing.

 _Hey, Journal,_

 _I know I've already written in you today, but I needed to vent some more. Rick's been asking me questions. Questions about my past. I was stupid this morning and told him about…well about Andrew's dad. How I went to him and told him what Andrew did. That bastard cop cared more about saving his son's ass then he did about the well being of a little girl…of me. So Rick knows that something bad happened to me when I was little. I don't know if he's just interested because he used to be a cop or if he actually is a good person and wants to know because he truly cares. My money is on the first. He doesn't care for me. Who could care for a broken piece of shit like me?_

 _I thought_ He _could…The… The man in Woodbury, but I was wrong about that. So even if my instincts are telling me that Rick is a good guy I'll go against them because they were off in the past. My instincts led me to bad decisions. That's what my past has been, just one long series of bad judgments and immature decisions. Well I can't afford to be immature anymore. That's why I reached for you, Journal, instead of my sewing kit. Even before the turn there was chance of infection from cutting. I can't chance getting an infection and risking my baby's life._

 _I just… I hate that no matter what happens my past follows me, be it my Woodbury past or what happened when I was little…I can't shake it. I know it's my fault that Rick is asking questions now. I don't even know why I've told him everything I have. Whatever, writing about it isn't helping much, I'm gonna just try to get some sleep._

She snapped the book shut and tossed it into the open bag before she slid between the thin covers and tried to go to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer:** See Ch.1. **Trigger Warning:** Mentions of self harm and rape/molestation.

 **The Difference between Surviving and Living**

 **Chapter 7**

 _The big house was busy with people rushing here and there. Amanda's brother was turning twelve today and their mother had gotten caterers, a bouncy house for the younger kids like Amanda, a clown, a giant piñata and since her brother was into skateboarding they surprised him with a half pike that was being built in the back yard. It was all being set up outside while the guests that had arrived early made themselves at home inside. Nine year old Amanda was taking advantage of the unwatched bowl of candy on the island in the kitchen when her brothers friend Andrew ran up to her and tapped her on the shoulder. "Tag your it." he said as he kept on running down the hall and up the stairs. She took off running after him. She enjoyed a good game of tag._

 _But it seemed that their game of tag had turned into a game of hide and seek, for he had disappeared. "Andrew?" Amanda called as she walked down the hall peeking inside of the rooms as she passed them. "Andrew where are y-" she was cut off when he wrapped his hand around her mouth and pulled her into her room. "What are you doin' in here?" she asked when he let her go and locked the door._

" _Just having a little fun." He said with a shrug before he went to her closet and opened it up. Two other boys, new friends of her brothers, walked out of it. All three of them were looking at her with smiles on their faces. Not knowing what was going on, scared and confused she made a run for the door. But the two other boys caught her by her ankles, pulling her back and causing her to land on her stomach. She tried to scream, but Andrew covered her mouth and flipped her over. "You, hold her arms. You, hold her legs." He barked to the other boys as he climbed on top of her. "I got her up here so I'm gonna have all the fun."_

 _As the pain of that day faded away another memory took over her sleeping head. One from not so long ago._

" _You really think I'm the one for you?" she asked as she sat at the dining table in His apartment._

" _Yeah." He laughed in his deep voice as he walked over to her and grabbed her hand, pulling her to stand chest to chest with him. "Let me show you how much I think you're the one." He said as he leaned down and placed his lips of hers. "Let me show you how much I love you." he held her hand and led her over to his queen sized bed. She nervously laid down beside him and let him kiss her._

* * *

She sat up straight in bed with a gasp as tears rolled down her cheeks. Not bothering to wipe at the tears that were still on her face she got up, turned on the lantern that sat on the floor next to her bed and grabbed the sewing kit out of her bag. She wasn't thinking about the baby growing inside her as she grabbed the ex-acto knife and lifted her shirt. The blade was about to touch her skin when she saw the small bump that her stomach had formed and she stopped. With a sigh she dropped her shirt, placed the knife back into the kit then tossed it in her bag.

Knowing now that she wouldn't be getting anymore sleep being as wound up as she was, she put on her black denim jacket, grabbed her lamp and headed outside. The fresh cool air hit her in the face when she opened the door making her stop and take in a deep breath. The still of the night was calming. The only thing that disturbed the quiet outside was the walkers the rattled the outer fence and snarled. But that was just background nose to her now, like the sound of crickets.

She was walking along the inner fence that enclosed the courtyard, letting her fingers graze the chain link, when she heard someone clear their throat behind her. Startled she turned around and came face to face with Daryl. "What are you doin' out here?" he asked quietly.

"I could ask you the same question." She replied in her unenthused, monotone voice. "Aren't you and Michonne goin' out looking for the Governor again in the morning?" she asked as she laced her fingers through the chain link then let her forearm rest on the fence.

"Na, we lost the trail, it's pointless." He answered and she let go of the fence to wrap her arms around herself in a hug.

"Damn. I was hoping you would find him and put an end to him and his reign of terror." She said as she let go of the fence and walked past Daryl going in the opposite direction that he had been headed before. Knowing that he was still out there somewhere sent a shiver down her spine.

Daryl turned and started walking beside her. "You didn't answer my question." He said gruffly with a glance at her out of the corner of his eyes.

"Huh?" she asked wondering which one of his questions she had left unanswered.

"What are you doin' out here in the middle of the night?" he asked again.

She hugged herself tighter and kicked at a rock sending it skipping across the concrete. "Daryl," she sighed his name as she stopped walking and leaned back against the metal pole of the fence, "you still haven't told anyone about my…habit, have you?" she asked and he shook his head no. "So you're the only person here that knows." she stated the obvious making him stare at her and wonder where she was going with this. Had she done it again? Was she trying to confess to him? "From what I've overheard people saying about you, you're a trust worthy man."

Daryl scoffed at her, his way of saying he didn't believe it. He was also getting a little aggravated with the way she was tip toeing around the point she was trying to make. "What are ya gettin' at here?"

She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and let it slowly slide between them as she built up the courage to tell him exactly what she wanted from him. She closed her eyes and finally spit it out. "I need someone to talk to." Now that the hard part was over, having to admit that she needed a man for something, even something as simple as talking, she opened her eyes to see him staring down at her through slotted eyes that were half covered by his long hair.

She self consciously tucked a stray lock of hair behind her pierced ear and for some reason Daryl felt the need to reach out and tuck in the strand that she missed, but he controlled the weird urge. "You have Carol to talk to." He said making him remember what Carol had said about Amanda possibly being interested in him. She scoffed inwardly at himself. 'Manda couldn't possibly be interesting in him.

"Yeah, but Carol doesn't know about my bad habit and I don't want her to. I usually write down whatever triggered the need to cut in my journal, but that only helps for so long." She said as she pushed herself off of the pole and started walking again.

Daryl walked beside her quietly for a few minutes before he said, "You can talk ta me."

She stopped walking and looked up at him. He sometimes forgot how much shorter than him she was until she looked up at him. She wasn't too much shorter than him, but if she stood toe to toe with him the middle of her forehead would be even with his nose. But when she started walking over to a picnic table he brushed aside all thoughts of her standing close to him and followed her. She sat on top of the table and rested her feet on the bench so he copied her movements. "You asked me why I was out here so late?" she said as she turned to him. "It's because I was on the verge of cutting again. I was this close." she held up her hand putting a centimeter of space between her thumb and pointer finger. "I had the ex-acto knife in my hand and my shirt raised and everything." She didn't know why she was being so graphic with the details, but she was just telling him what she would tell her journal. Except now she hoped for pressing questions and maybe even some reassurance that the journal couldn't give her.

"What stopped you?" he asked both because he was curious and because he felt like it was what she was expecting from him.

"The baby." The two words brought tears to her eyes and while she tried to hide them, Daryl still saw and heard the slight shake in her voice. It made him want to hug her, yet another strange feeling this girl was stirring within him. "I saw the small bump in my stomach and I couldn't go through with it. I don't want to hurt my baby and if I get an infection from not keeping a cut clean or from bacteria I didn't clean off of my knife then that's exactly what I'll be doing."

She had been looking down at her feet while she spoke, and more of her hair had slipped from the braid to conceal her face from Daryl. She didn't bother moving the hair, because she didn't want him to see her cry. But Daryl still saw the tears that fell onto her jeans leaving dark blue circles where they landed. Without realizing it, his hand moved from his lap to cover hers where it had been sitting between the two of them. His fingers curled around her hand, holding it. What was he thinking? He wasn't the hand holding type.

When she felt his warm hand slide over the top of hers she jumped. Her first instinct was to pull it back. But she made herself keep it still. Daryl was listening to her and talking to her. If she reacted badly to his touch, he might not keep listening to her. So she ignored the warm sensations the touch was sending up her arm and kept talking. "The baby stopped me from cutting this time, but I don't know if it will stop me in the future."

"You said something triggered your need to…ya know." Daryl prompted. All too aware of her cold hand under his now, he wondered if he should let go, but she didn't look too terribly uncomfortable with it. So he decided that if she was enjoying the contact as much as he was then he would leave it be. "What bad thing happened tonight?" his question was quiet and she looked over her shoulder at him, making eye contact.

"I had a bad dream about something I thought I had left in my past, but…" she swallowed hard and shook her head from side to side as she squeezed her eyes shut then looked back down at the ground. "The past never stays in the past. Ghosts always come back around to pick at old wounds."

"What was the dream about?" he asked as he let his thumb gently rub over her knuckles.

"My brother's twelfth birthday party." She answered honestly.

Her answer made him look at her with a furrowed brow. "What's so bad about a party?"

She moved her free arm to hug herself again, this told him that he was getting into touchy territory again. But he was happy she didn't take her hand from his to fully hug herself. She thought about answering his question. He'd known one of her many secrets for a while now and he hadn't told anyone. She needed to learn to trust again and make friends. She took a deep breath and blew it out as she said "What the hell, why not." Then turned to Daryl and looked him in the eyes. "Do you have room in that shaggy hair covered brain of yours for another secret?" she asked in her sweet monotone voice with a nervous look in her eyes.

"Sure." He said with a nod.

"Party's were always a big thing at our house so there were people everywhere. All of his friends were there along with the few I had, but they were all out at the piñata. Two new boys had moved into the neighborhood and my brother invited them to the party even though we really didn't know them that well. Anyways, I was in the kitchen getting some candy that I didn't have to beat up a bunch of cardboard for when one of my brothers friends ran past me and started a game of tag." She paused and took a deep breath to calm herself. Daryl ran his thumb over her knuckles again making her even more nervous, even though the action was meant to do the opposite.

She blinked rapidly and took another deep breath before she continued with the story. "Tag was my favorite game as a kid, but after I chased him up the sitars I couldn't find him. So I assumed we'd changed to hide and seek. I was looking for him when he pulled me into my room." Her voice broke and she had to stop talking. She felt Daryl shift beside her, but she didn't look at him until he bumped her on the knee and she looked up to see him holding out a dirty shop rag. "I'm sorry… I hate crying. Espically in front of someone." She said as she took the rag and wiped at her face.

"S'all right. Keep goin." He encouraged quietly.

She wiped at a few more tears that fell before she took yet another deep calming breath. "He pulled me into my room and locked the door. Then the two new boys came out of my closet." Her voice started breaking again, but she kept talking. "I tried to run, but he tripped me and…" she had to stop talking to wipe at her face again and try to calm herself enough for Daryl to be able to understand what she was saying. Her voice was still shaky, but audible. "The two new boys held me down while he…he…" she couldn't say it out loud. After all these years she still couldn't say the word.

"He raped you." it wasn't a question, but she still nodded, her body shaking with sobs. He could no longer hold back the urge to hug her, but at the same time…he wanted go find this kid and beat the shit out of him.

He knew that with her being raped that she probably wouldn't react well to physical contact of a man, but he had to try. So he let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders as he scooted closer to her. He was surprised when she willingly tucked her face into his chest and wrapped one of her arms around his waist. He tensed, but didn't move. He'd never been hugged before. Hell, he'd never hugged anyone either.

They stayed like that until her sobs subsided. It wasn't until then that she realized the compromising situation she had put herself in. "Um." She said as she let go of Daryl, leaned back and turned away from him. She wiped her eyes a few more times before she handed the shop rag back to him. He took it with a hesitant hand. "Thanks for that." She pointed at the rag and he gave her a nod. She cleared her throat as she pulled the ponytail holder out of the end of the braid and shook it out. It was the first time he'd seen her with her hair down and he had to resist the urge to reach out and touch the dark as night locks. "Anyways, I didn't tell you that to get you to feel sorry for me. I really don't want anyone's pity."

"Why did ya tell me?" he whispered his question, afraid that his voice would somehow give away what he was feeling for this girl. Even though he didn't understand what he was feeling.

"Because you asked what my dream was about." She answered, her voice more monotone than usual, before she turned to look him in the eyes again. "And because I wanted you to know why I cut, what started it all."

"How old were ya when that happened?" he asked gruffly.

"I was nine." She answered and Daryl grimaced. He looked down hoping his hair would hide his face from her like hers had before, but she still saw. "In case you're wondering, I went to the police and told someone there what happened. But that didn't accomplish anything. The head of the station was the father of the kid that…ya know."

"Didn't yer parents do anythin' about it?" he asked. He was now leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands folded together between them. He was looking at her over his shoulder.

"I never told them. I'd never told anyone until now. Then again, no one ever knew about me cutting either, until I had to tell you." she said as she leaned forward, copying his position. Saying this made her remember the day he had brought her out looking for berries. The day he had found out about her cutting and she ran away. "Would you have really shot me if I told you I had been bitten by a walker instead of telling you the truth?"

Daryl had been thinking about that day too. He didn't regret bringing her back for one minute, but her question pulled him out of his head. He looked at her and nodded. "Yep. I got a zero tolerance policy when it comes to walkers." He looked back down at his hands.

"Good to know." she almost laughed. When he looked back at her she was running her hand though her thick hair, pushing it out of her face. As stupid as it felt to think it, Daryl liked her face. The soft features and round shape, but it was her big green eyes and lips that were so plump they creased in the center, that captured most of his attention. He didn't know what she thought was so funny about the fact that he would have killed her if she had been bitten, but he didn't ask. He just liked that she was smiling. "So, um, thanks for listening." She said as she stood up and dusted off her jean covered butt.

"No problem." He assured her as he slid off of the table to stand a few feet away from her. "Did it help?"

She seemed to be thinking about it before she nodded and swallowed hard. "Yeah. I don't feel like cutting anymore. Not at the moment anyway." She said as she gave him a smile. He smirked back at her and she had to admit, his shy smirk was kinda cute. She brushed all thoughts of Daryl and the word cute out of her head and looked over his shoulder. The sun was starting to rise. They had been out there all night. "I was gonna say goodnight, but I guess I should say good morning." She said as she took a few steps back toward the prison.

Daryl looked over his shoulder at the rising sun, he laughed lightly, smiling a little bigger at her. She smiled back before she stopped walking backwards and turned to walk the right way. "Hey, 'Manda." Daryl called making her stop and turn to him. "Ya ever feel the need to do that shit again, don't. Come find me. I'm in the cell across from the perch."

She gave him a small smile before she walked back toward him and he met her half way. "This goes both ways ya know. You can talk to me about stuff too, whatever you need, whatever I can do. You know where my cell is and if I'm not there I'm probably in the library." She told him before she gave him another smile and walked away.

As she headed to her cell she wrapped her arms around herself. She couldn't place what she was feeling. It wasn't a bad feeling, she actually felt happy, which made her scared. Scared that she would end up getting hurt again. That she would get too close to Daryl and the other people here and something would happen that would screw it up.

As she sank down on to her bed that morning she decided that if she had to put herself out there and be vulnerable to make friends and keep her baby safe, then that's what she would do. She would do anything for her child. As much as she hated to admit that she could love something that came from Him, she had to admit that she loved the baby growing inside of her. Not wanting to think about her baby her thoughts went to Daryl and how he had held her hand and held her while she cried. She didn't know much about the guy, just what Merle had told her and what she had learned from being around him, but he didn't seem like the touchy feely type. That was one of the reasons she had decided to confide in him, but did her wanting to be friends give him the idea that she wanted something more from him? The thought of having a male friend at the prison made her think of Rick, and the conversation they had what seemed like just hours ago.

She had told him that she didn't want to get to know him, that she didn't want a friend, but then she turned around and told Daryl the opposite. What the hell was she doing here. Did she want friends or didn't she? Either way she decided to give Rick a second chance at being her friend. Maybe she would tell him what had happened to her when she was little. Now that she had finally told someone it didn't feel like it would be that hard to tell someone else. All her life she had thought that telling someone wouldn't do any good, wouldn't make her feel better. But since she had told Daryl she somehow felt…free.

Once her mind calmed from the frenzy of thoughts flying through her head, she drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter one.

 **The Difference between Surviving and Living.**

 **Chapter 8**

She only got a few hours of sleep before she was woken up by someone knocking on the metal doorframe of her cell. As she sat up on the side of the bunk with a yawn and a stretch she saw Carol standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. "Since when do you sleep in this late?" she asked as she took a few steps inside the cell. "Rick sent me after you. He started to worry when you didn't show up to help." She explained. When Amanda didn't say anything, still too sleepy to form coherent sentences, Carol pulled the stool out from under the table in the room and sat down. "So are you okay?"

Amanda yawned and stood up with a stretch. "Yeah, I had another nightmare last night and I couldn't go back to sleep so I went for a walk." She explained as she scooped up her duffle bag and started digging for a set of clean clothes.

"Oh." Carol tried to keep her smile off of her face and out of her voice. "So how was your walk?" Carol asked, but she already knew that Amanda had run into Daryl.

"Fine." Amanda answered.

"Just fine?" Carol asked, letting the corners of her mouth pull up slightly, showing a bit of the smile she was trying to keep in. "You didn't run into anyone on your walk?"

Amanda stopped what she was doing and looked at Carol though slotted, questioning eyes. "Yeah… just fine and I ran into Daryl." She drawled, wondering what Carol was hinting at. "Why?"

"Just wondering." Carol shrugged and moved to leave the room. "Did the two of you have a good talk?" she turned back to look at Amanda with a smile on her face.

Amanda, however tensed up and looked down at the clothes in her hands. "H-how did you know we talked?" she asked making herself look up at Carol.

"I talked to Daryl this morning." Carol confessed. "And he said the two of you had a nice long talk."

Some of the tension in Amanda's shoulders eased, but not all of it. "Oh, Yeah? What else did he tell you?" she asked, worried that Daryl might have told Carol about what Amanda had told him.

"He told me that he enjoyed the talk and that he liked hanging out with you." Carol said as she walked back into the cell and leaned against the wall across from the bed that Amanda sat down on.

"Is that all? Did he tell you anything else?" Amanda asked, still holding her change of clothes in her hands.

"He told me that the two of you talked about something personal, but he didn't say what it was about if that's what you're afraid of." Carol said as she held her hands out as if to calm Amanda.

"Oh." Amanda sighed as all tension fled her body. But when something Carol said clicked in her head, she looked back up her the older woman, confused. "He really said he liked hanging out with me?" she asked.

"Yeah." Carol shrugged, not understanding why that was such a weird thought.

"Huh." Amanda scratched her head as she stared down at the floor. She was quiet for a while before she shook her head as if to shake away her thoughts, then sighed and looked up at Carol. "So is Rick still working in the garden or is there something else I can help out with?" she asked, changing the subject.

"No, Rick's finished in the garden for the day and all the laundry is done, so the rest of your day is free." Carol said with a shrug before she gave Amanda another smile then left the cell.

With a sigh, Amanda scratched her head again and sat down at the table and picked her journal up off of the floor where she had put it.

 _Okay journal I have a confession to make and it's a confusing one. Last night I had a nightmare about what Andrew did to me. I felt like cutting but I can't… so I went for a walk to blow off some steam/ I ended up running into Daryl and well… I told him about what happened when I was little. I expected him to look at me with pity, but he didn't. If he gave me any certain look it was one of understanding, I think. All this time I've been afraid that if I told someone I'd be judged and looked down on. I was afraid whoever I told would make some huge deal about it and I would be looked at like a freak. Well… more of a freak than I already am. I never told Mom and Dad because I would taint the perfect image bubble they lived in and even if I did tell them they probably would have called me a liar and said I was making it up. All that time that secret weighed on me. Now that I've told someone, someone that didn't make a huge deal about it, I feel happier. And honestly I'm scaring myself because I've never been this happy. How screwed up is it that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time while living in a prison?_

 _But I've gotten off on a tangent. What I wanted to write about Daryl. Last night he held my hand then held me while I cried. Other than that one time Carol hugged me after I found out I was pregnant, no one's ever done that. I've never truly opened up to someone and let them console me. And Daryl did that. I mean, he felt a little stiff, like he was uncomfortable doing it, but he did it anyway. And now Carol tells me that he said he had a good time with me last night? I mean, either he likes pity parties or he… Could me care about me? Like have feelings for me? No that can't be it. Maybe he only wants to get comfortable around me to find out what else I know about Merle. Yeah, that has to be it. No one could have feeling for me like that._

 _I mean, I thought He cared about me- Okay, I've got to stop calling my baby's father Him. The Governor no…Phillip. I thought Phillip cared about me and look where that got me. Knocked up and alone. But then again The governor didn't really know me to truly care about me. And he had no interest in knowing me. All he wanted was to get me close enough to screw him then drop me for that blond bimbo that jumped into his bed. Why did I think that we cared for each other when we didn't even know each other? How could I have been so stupid to think I was in love with someone that I had only known for a few weeks?_

 _I'm just coming out of that sham of a relationship and heartbreak and now I think that Carol thinks that Daryl and I have potential. That smile on her face was too…sly. I'm not ready for that. I don't think I'll ever be whole enough to really fall in love with someone. Besides, don't they call it falling for a reason? That reason being you're going to fall flat on your ass when things don't work out? And for me things never work out. So I guess I'm going to pretend that Carol never told me what Daryl told her. Bye for now journal._

She was just closing the duct tape covered book when she heard a knock on the metal doorframe and looked up to see Rick standing there with his hands on his hips. "How are you?"

Amanda closed her journal and turned in the chair to look at him. "Fine." She answered as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Good," Rick took a step into the cell, "I need someone to watch my back for me while I check the traps. You up for the job?"

"Check the traps?" she asked as she stood up and tucked her hands into her pocket.

"Yeah. I set up some snares and stuff just outside the prison fences. They need to be checked." Rick explained.

"Uh, sure, I'll help." She said as she moved to pick up the abandoned stack of clothes on her bed. "Just let me get dressed."

"Meet me by the gate?" Rick asked and she gave him a nod before he walked away.

With a sigh she pulled her over sized night shirt over her head and replaced it with a dark blue, long sleeved thermal shirt that was a bit more form fitting than she liked, but her body was growing with each passing day and all of her clothes where starting to fir tighter. After tugging on the hem of the shirt several times in an attempt to stretch the shirt out she gave up. It was no use. She would just have to deal with a shirt that fit the way a shirt should, instead of being baggy. After replacing her sweatpants for a pair of jeans she slipped on her converse and headed out.

Rick waited for her by the gate like he said he would and when he spotted her walking toward him he couldn't help but notice the new shape her body was taking. The small roundness at the base of her stomach pulled against the dark shirt, making it cling to her nice curves. He blinked a few times, clearing all thoughts of her body out of his head.

The gate was opened and they walked wordlessly out over the rock road and into the tree line. They had been walking for a while when they came upon a snare with a rabbit caught in it. Amanda turned her back to watch for walkers while Rick took care of the rabbit and resetting the snare. "So I uh, wanted to apologize for how our last conversation ended." She confessed with her back still to Rick.

"Oh, yeah?" Rick asked as he stood up and turned to look at her. "Why's that?" he asked as he tucked the rabbit into the bag that was slung across him.

"Because it was rude of me." she answered simply as he walked around her and jerked his head in the direction of the next trap.

They started walking side by side. "You have nothing to apologize for. I was being pushy. I'm the one who should be apologizin'." He said as he looked down at her across his shoulder.

"No, it's fine." She said, waving him off as her eyes scanned the trees for danger. "Truth is, no one's ever bothered to ask what happened. So when you did I guess my first instinct was to run." She stopped looking at their surroundings long enough to look at Rick.

"Makes sense." He said with a shrug before he brought his hand up, giving her the signal to stop. When he pointed she followed his finger to a walker, stumbling towards a rabbit caught in one of the snares. "I'll get it." she whispered before she left him to sneak up behind the walker that was falling to its knees, about to eat the freshly dead animal. Just as the walker fell to its knees she slammed the machete into the back of its head. It fell to the side as she jerked the blade out. "It didn't get the rabbit." She said as Rick walked over to take it out of the trap.

"It would have though, if we would've been any later." He said, holding the rabbit up for her to see before he tucked it into the bag with the other. "There's three more this way." Rick gave her a nod and they took off in that direction. They walked in silence for a while before he said, "So if I were to ask you again, what happened to you when you were little, what would you say?" Rick asked, looking across his shoulder at her big green eyes.

She looked away then said, "I would say that I will tell you as long as you answer my question first."

Rick looked at her across his shoulder and gave her a nod. "Okay, shoot."

Amanda didn't look at him, but out across the land, keeping an eye out for walkers. "Why do you want to know?" she asked. "Is it because of your cop instincts, needing to right the wrong and all that, or…?"

Rick stopped walking, both because of her question and the fact that they had come upon the next trap. He gave her question some thought as he walked over and checked to trap to see that it was empty. "I think that's one reason, yeah." He said as they started walking again.

She just nodded letting him know that his answer was good enough. "so…uhg… how do I tell you what happened without having to tell a big long story?" she asked herself more than him.

"I don't mind a long story. We have the time." Rick pointed out as they came to the second to last trap that was also empty.

"I don't want to go into detail." She said as they kept on walking. "Long story short I was cornered during my brother's birthday party by three of his friends. Two of them held me down while the other one…" she stopped talking and sighed, trying to find an alternative word, but couldn't, "Raped…me." the last two words came out through gritted teeth.

"I'm so sorr-" he started, but she held up her hand, shutting him up.

"Don't say you're sorry." She dropped her hand and stopped walking when Rick walked over to the last trap. "You have nothing to apologize for."

"Understood." He said with his back to her as he took the squirrel out of the trap and tucked it into the bag. A comfortable silence fell over them as they walked side by side back towards the prison. They were half way back when Rick touched her shoulder, stopping her. "Wait, you said that the police told you there was nothing they could do if you didn't have proof?" he asked and she just nodded. "They could've done a rape kit on you."

"Oh, yeah, I failed to mention that the head honcho, the cop I spoke to, was the father of the boy that ruined my life." She said with no facial expression.

"So that's why you asked if I was an honest cop." It wasn't a question, but Amanda turned her big green eyes to him and bit her lip as she nodded. "Well, just so you know, if Carl ever did something like that I would want to get him and whoever he hurt some help. I wouldn't ignore his mistake."

"Good." She said in her monotone voice. Rick noticed a few unshed tears lingering in her eyes when she gave him a small, sad smile and said "You're a good man Rick."

###Insert Line###

When they got back to the prison the two went separate ways. Amanda went back to her cell while Rick went to spend some quality time with his son and daughter.

When Amanda got to her cell she sat down in the chair at the small table. She thought about writing in her journal, but decided against it and pulled her drawing pad out of her bag instead. With a number two pencil in hand she got to work on another sketch, letting her mind wander while she worked. In the last two days she had told two different people her most guarded secret. And those two people happened to be men. How had she managed that when she'd grown to have such a huge distrust of all men?

This brought her mind to Daryl and what Carol had said to her. Daryl was a nice guy, the sweet one, just like Merle had said. Although Amanda was sure Daryl considered himself anything but sweet. Her mind flashed to earlier that morning, Daryl holding her hand and letting him hold her while she cried. She had to admit that it felt nice to feel cared about. But, so what if he cared about her? So what if he held her while she cried and actually listened when she needed to talk. It meant nothing. It couldn't, because if it meant something then that would mean that Carol was on to something. Just the thought of her and Daryl together like that made her want to laugh out loud and she found herself laughing quietly to herself.

"What's so funny?" Daryl's gruff voice came from her left and she looked over to see him standing in her doorway where she had pulled back the sheet door to let light in.

"Nothing, just something Carol said to me this morning." She said with a shoulder shrug as she swiveled the stool around to look at him straight on. Growing up she never looked at the boys in school the way other girls did. She never swooned over the most popular boy or had a crush on a guy. She never even put posters of the hottest celebrity on her wall. The only thing she ever saw a guy as was a potential threat. Even when she was with the governor she wasn't drawn to him physically.

But what Carol said this morning, mixed with the fact that Daryl was genuinely a good guy, made her look at him through new eyes. Eyes that could actually see the attractiveness of a man. So as she looked at Daryl now she couldn't help but notice the strong curve of his biceps, his naturally squinting blue eyes, the bit of chest hair that his sleeveless button up shirt reveled and the shape of his torso that was on display since his arm was lifted to rest on her doorframe.

"Yo, earth to 'Manda." She heard Daryl say, snapping her out of whatever daze she had fallin' into.

"Huh?" she asked, blinking rapidly as she shook her head from side to side, clearing away her thoughts.

"You alright? Ya look kinda pail." He said as she took a few steps into her cell.

As she tried to swallow she realized that her throat had gone dry. "Um," she turned away from him to grab a bottle of water and took a big swig, "I'm fine." Her statement sounded more like a question and she rolled her eyes at herself before she took another swig of water and turned to face him.

"Are ya sure?" he asked, making her look at him where he now leaned against the upper bunk. "'Cause it looked like ya zoned out on me there for a second."

"Yeah, I kinda did." she admitted with a sheepish smile, feeling stupid. "But, I'm fine. I just got lost in thought for a second." She nervously tucked an invisible strand of hair behind her ear.

"Wanna talk about it?" he asked, wondering if she needed to talk again.

"God no, not with you." she answered quickly only to look up at Daryl and see he looked a little hurt. "No offense." She said with her hands held out apologetically. "It's just…it would be really awkward if I told you what I was thinking about." She explained honestly.

"More awkward than what you told me last night?" he asked as he moved to sit on her bed, which for some reason made her even more nervous.

"Uh, yeah, way more awkward." She answered.

If anyone knew anything about awkward it was Daryl, so he said "Try me."

"You're serious?" she asked pulling her feet up into the small chair and Daryl thought she was going to fall out of it, but she managed to keep her balance.

"Yup." He answered as he moved around to lean his back against the bed post and propped his feet up near her pillow.

"Hey, git'cher dirty shoes off of my bed." she scolded him and he kicked his boots off letting the fall to the floor without taking his feet off of the bed. She just laughed once before she remembered what they had previously been talking about. "So you really want me to tell you what I was thinking about?" she ask and he nodded. "Okay, fine, you asked for it." she warned and he smirked at her. If she were a braver version of herself she'd say 'you and that hot body of yours', but that wasn't her and she couldn't tell him that. Instead she started thinking of the best way to tell him that she found him desirable. But she couldn't find a way to tell him that either so she started trying to figure out what to say to him without straight out lying to him.

He was expecting her to start talking, but after waiting a few minutes for her to tell him what she was thinking about he finally asked "So…?"

"Hang on I'm trying to figure out how to word this." she said not looking at him but at the floor in though. Truth was if she looked at him she would probably say something that would let him know she was talking about him. "Okay, before I tell you anything I'm gonna start by telling you that because of what I told you last night I've never been attracted to a man before." She admitted then noticed that he started biting his thumb nail. "Like ever."

"What about the baby's father?" Daryl asked in his quiet, gruff voice.

"Nope, not even in the slightest." She answered not looking at him but at the pattern of her comforter instead.

Daryl's throat dried at the question that popped into his head. A question that he didn't know if he'd have the courage to ask. "How you do sleep with someone you're not attracted to?" he found himself asking anyway.

"Simple. I wanted to be wanted and he wanted me. So I went with it." she answered honestly and when she made herself look at Daryl he looked stiff and uncomfortable. "I warned you." she reminded him and he just looked across his shoulder at her. "I'll shut up if you want me to."

"Na, already jumped down the rabbit hole. Might as well keep goin." He said and she tilted her head to the side as his Alice in Wonderland reference, but brushed it off and looked back down at the floor.

"So like I said, never been attracted to anyone before. Since I came to the prison I've been getting to know this guy and come to find out, he's a really good guy." She said and as she looked up she noticed him chewing on his thumb nail again. She wanted to add that this guy was actually really sweet, but since she had told him that his brother called him the sweet one she knew he might catch on that it was him. If he hadn't already. "He's one of the first guys I've met in this world that I'm sure would never hurt me."

"So you're attracted to this guy?" Daryl asked, not looking at her, but at his dirty sock covered feet.

"Yeah. Well, I mean I'm pretty sure I am." She said as she dropped her bare feet from the chair and Daryl turned to face her.

"Do I know him?" he asked and she felt her cheeks flush for the first time during the whole conversation.

"Well he does stay here at the prison so I'm pretty sure you do." She answered trying to throw him off.

"Did he come here from Woodbury?" he asked leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

"We're playing guess who now?" he asked and he shrugged then gave her a look that told her to answer the question. "No, he's not from Woodbury." She inwardly cursed at herself. Why did she answer that, she just narrowed the list of possible suitors down to five men including Daryl. One of which was married and another was old enough to be her grandfather.

"Is it Glenn?" he asked since Glenn was the closest to Amanda's age.

She laughed, "No, plus isn't he married to Maggie?" she asked.

Daryl nodded. "Tyreese?"

"No, I'm not into interracial." She answered flatly and Daryl gave her a questioning look. "What? I'm not racist I just don't find him attractive." She said with a shrug and Daryl let it go. "besides you can keep guessing, but I'm not going to tell you who it is." She said, trying to put a stop to his guessing game.

"Hershel?" he asked.

"Ew! Daryl, no." she answered, shocked that he would go there and he started laughing. "He's old enough to be my grandpa."

Daryl just smiled at her. "You should have seen your face." he laughed.

She laughed and turned her back on Daryl to cover her face as a blush flooded her cheeks. While she wasn't looking Daryl smile at her, loving the sound of her laugh and the fact that he, of all people, was the only person he'd seen her laugh and blush. But he didn't forget that he had just told her that she had a crush on some mystery guy. He didn't think even for one second that it was him that she was talking about, but he did find himself wondering if this other guy could make her smile and laugh like he did.

When she didn't feel like her face wasn't so red she uncovered it and took a drink of water. "So you didn't come to my cell to hear me talk about some guy." She said as she turned back to him to find that he had scooted back on her bed to lean his back against the wall. "What's up?" she asked as she stretched her back trying to ease the achiness she was feeling.

"Nothin'. Place is dead today, nothin' to do." He said looking at his feet that he absentmindedly moved back and forth, like a bored little kid.

"So you came to my cell because you were bored?" she asked and he caught a little bit of amusement in her monotone voice. He gave her a single nod in return. "Wow you really are board if you came to me for entertainment." She laughed and he just smirked at her. "What is there to do for fun around here?" she asked and he just shrugged. She sometimes hated how he could go from chatting her up to being completely stoic. "I have a deck of cards, but all I know how to play is solitary and go fish.

"Ever play battle?" He answered and she raised her brows at him.

"No, how do you play?" she asked and he held his hand out for the cards.

She gave them to him and he took them out of the box and started shuffling them. "I get half the deck, you get half the deck then we both lay down a card off of the top of the deck and whoever has the highest card gets both of the cards. Keeps goin' like that until one of us gets all the cards."

"That sounds like it might take forever." She said with a skeptical look.

He didn't want to tell her that that was the point. It was an easy way from him to spend time with her and have a good excuse to do so. He didn't know what he was feeling after she told him about the other guy that's caught her eye, but it was jealousy. He was jealous of whoever this guy was spending time with her. "The bed or the floor?" she asked pulling him from his thoughts.

"What?" he asked, not knowing what she meant.

"Do you want to play on the floor where there's more space to set our cards or do you want to play on the bed where it's more comfortable?" she asked clearing things up a bit.

"Oh, uh, bed's fine." He answered then started biting his thumb nail again. She grabbed the messed up covers and pulled them up, flattening out the surface a bit before she sat down at the head of the bed, as far away from him as possible then watched his hands as he shuffled the cards. When it was good and shuffled up Daryl cut the deck and handed her half. "Count your cards, you should have 26." He told her and she counted.

"I only have 23." She told him and he handed her three cards out of his deck then laid one down on the bed, a king. "So I just take the first card off of the top?" she asked he nodded so she laid her card down. It was an ace. "So an ace can be a one or a thirteen, which is it in this case?" she asked.

"Thirteen, you win this one." He told her and from then on they played in silence.

As the game went on Amanda slowly accumulated three fourths of the deck. "I think I might win this game." She said with a look at how thick her deck was compared to Daryl's.

"Ya gettin' cocky over there?" Daryl asked with a playful glare at her.

She didn't answer, she just held up her hand putting a little space between her thumb and pointer finger. Daryl scoffed and didn't break eye contact with her as he laid down another card. She kept her eyes on his challengingly as she laid down a card of her own. As they looked down they saw that both cards were aces. "What happens now?" she asked as she looked up at him.

"We battle." He answered as he placed two cards face down and motioned for her to do the same, so she did. "So next cards face up and whoever has the highest this time gets all the cards we've laid down." He explained.

"Okay, on three?" she asked and he nodded. "One, two, three." At the end of her countdown they both laid down a card. She laid down a jack and he laid down a queen. She watched, shocked that she had lost, as he picked up the two cards she had placed face down and looked at them. A smile grew on Daryl's face making her ask, "What?" he turned the cards around to reveal a king and an ace. "No!" she said now realizing that he had taken two of her aces.

He laughed as he straightened all of his new cards and put them in the pile at his side. "That's what ya get for bein' cocky." He said as he laid down another card and she just stared at him. "Ya still got one ace, you can win 'em back eventually. Come on, games not over." He said motioning for her to lay down another card.

She chuckled and shook her head at him as she laid down another card. They were playing in silence again when Rick walked by on his way to Daryl's cell and noticed him in Amanda's. "Daryl, hey, I've been lookin' for you." he said as he stopped and took a step into the room. "What are you too doin'?" he asked looking between Amanda and Daryl and the cards in both of their hands.

"Playin' battle." Amanda answered as she scooted to the edge of the bed to be able to see Rick better.

Rick just looked at her before he turned his eyes back to Daryl. "I need your help with something."

Daryl gave Rick a nod before he stood up and walked over to Rick, setting his cards on the metal table on his way out. She sat on her bed feeling a little abandoned before a thought hit her and she headed out of the cell to the perch and looked over the side. She spotted Daryl a few feet away from the bottom of the sitars. "Daryl." She called getting his attention and he looked up at her to see her peering down at him. "Are we going to finish that or should I just put the cards away?" she asked.

She saw him say something to Rick who looked at him with a tilted head and slotted eyes as Daryl looked back up her and said. "We'll finish later." He assured her with a nod then turned and walked out of the cell block with Rick who still didn't look happy.


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter one.

 **The Difference between Surviving and Living.**

 **Chapter 9**

"How well do you know her?" Rick asked Daryl as they walked a portion of the tombs that he knew no one would be wondering.

"Who?" Daryl asked, purposely playing dumb.

"Amanda, she looked comfortable around you." Rick answered as he stopped walking and leaned his back against the wall. And that's saying something 'cause she's never comfortable around anyone."

"I know her well enough." Daryl replied looking around for whatever Rick needed help with. "You said you needed my help with somethin'?" he asked.

"I don't. I just didn't want to tell her that I wanted to talk to you about her." Rick answered with a shrug and Daryl looked a little aggravated. "What all do you know about her?" he asked.

"Is that really any of your business?" Daryl asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

"No I guess not." Rick answered not really understanding his friend's behavior. "I just didn't know you two were talking." Rick said and Daryl shrugged. "How long has that been goin' on?"

"Since she got here. She was close to Merle when they were in Woodbury. We mostly talk about him." Daryl answered opening up a bit. "Why?" he asked not understanding Ricks curiosity.

"We've talked a few times here and there and I know a little bit about her, just didn't know if you would know more since you two clearly talk more than she and I do." Rick explained not really answering why Rick wanted to know the girl in the first place. The whole time Daryl had known Rick he never saw the man show interest in a woman since his wife's death. Was he interesting in 'Manda? Is Rick the guy she was talking about earlier?

"Do you…" Daryl started to ask if Rick liked her, but stopped himself.

"Do I what?" Rick asked and Daryl started biting his thumb nail.

"Nothin', doesn't matter." Daryl said as he let his arms fall from his chest and started walking away.

"It isn't nothin'." Rick said as he started walking after his friend. "Ask what you wanna ask."

"Na, it's none of my business." Daryl said as he kept on walking.

Rick sighed and stopped walking as he pinched the bridge of his nose and stared at the ground. That didn't exactly go as Rick had planned. He had hoped to find out if Daryl had a thing for Amanda.

* * *

With Daryl gone Amanda moved his stack of cards to his side of the bed then sat down at the table and flipped her sketch book open to a new page. When she was done she brushed some eraser shavings off of the page and held it up examining it. It didn't look as good as she wanted it to, but she decided that it was good enough to go on the wall.

She was putting a piece of poster putty on the back of the paper when Daryl walked in, picked up his cards off of the bed and sat down without a word to her. With the picture still in her hands she watched him, noticing the frown on his face. "You okay…?" she questioned and he finally looked at her.

"What's that?" he asked pointing to the paper in her hands, avoiding her question.

"I got bored while you were helping Rick." She explained as she filled the paper around for him to see the scene of the two of them sitting on her bed with cards in their hands.

"How do you do that shit?" he asked, leaning closer to look at the drawing.

"God given talent." She answered as she turned it around to look at it again. "Or so I've been told. I personally think I jacked your face up, mine too. I suck at drawin' faces." She said looking at the side view of their faces.

"My face is already jacked up." he said and she just shook her head. "And yours looked fine." He reassured her and she felt a light blush tint her cheeks. So she turned to tack it on the wall and hide her face from him. "Can I keep that?" he asked making her stop.

"Uh, sure, I guess." She said as he turned to look at him. "Do you want the poster putty?" she asked turning it around so he could see the dot of grey putty at the top and he gave her a nod, so she left it on the paper and handed it to him. He looked at it for a second, as she moved to sit at the head of the bed. He was grateful that she had drawn a good memory. After his conversation with Rick, this would probably be the last time he was in her cell. He planned on staying away from her incase Rick wanted to make a move.

He leaned back and stuck the drawing on the foot of the upper bunk to keep it from getting wrinkled then picked up his cards. When he looked up he noticed that she was already ready to play.

They had been playing in silence for a while and she was down to only five cards when she laid a card down then waited for him to, but he didn't. When she looked up she saw him looking at her through slotted eyes. "What, did I accidently take your cards?" she asked as she looked at the last two cards she picked up.

"Is it Rick?" Daryl asked.

She looked at him like she didn't know what he was talking about. "What?" she asked.

"Is Rick the man you said you were attracted to?" he asked again.

She stared at him dumbfounded. "Why would you think that?" she asked and Daryl just shrugged. "I wanna know. Why do you think I like Rick?"

"He's the only person other than Carol that I know you've spent time talking to." He answered and she felt her throat grow dry. She closed her eyes realizing that she had gotten herself into a pickle. She either had to let Daryl believe that she was attracted to and liked Rick, or she had to tell him the truth.

"I knew I should've kept my mouth shut." She mumbled to herself, but Daryl heard her.

"So it's Rick?" he asked and she looked up to see him staring at her through even narrower eyes than usual.

"What? No, it's not Rick." She answered letting her aggravation color her tone.

"You said he's not from Woodbury. That leaves Glenn, Hershel, Tyreese, Carl and Rick. Glenn's married, Hershel's too old, Tyreese is black and Carl's too young. That leaves Rick."

"And you." she added without thinking and immediately regretted it because Daryl tensed up. "Like I said before, I shouldn't have said anything." She defended as she pulled her feet up onto the bed and pulled her knees to her chest. Daryl was just sitting there, staring at her with his deck of cards in his hand looking dumbfounded. "Can we just finish this?" she asked, having to step out of the box and try to make someone else feel comfortable for once. "Please, I really wanna find out who's gonna win." She asked.

Daryl just nodded and resituated so that he was leaning against the wall then laid down a card. They played in silence as the sun sank lower and lower in the sky when dinner time rolled around Amanda's stomach audibly growled and she looked up to see if Daryl heard. "Food break?" she asked and Daryl gave her a nod.

So she got up off the bed then stretched her aching back. As she did so a pained sound left her lips. "Ya alright?" he asked as he crawled out of the bunk and stretched himself. Neither of them realized how long they had been playing until they looked out of the cell to the window and saw that dark orange light was the only thing coming though.

"Yeah, back hurts more often than not now days." She sighed then headed to the holding room with Daryl trailing in behind her.

"If sitting there playin' cards is making your back hurt we can call it and say you won." He suggested.

"What, you getting' tired of me?" she asked playfully before she realized that they had basically spent most of the day together, he might really be getting tired of her.

"Na, not yet." She heard him answer behind her and she smiled to herself before they walked into the holding room that was only half as full as it usually was. They had missed dinner. Carol, seeing them walk in headed to the counter where she cooked and dished up two bowls.

"So, what have you two been up to?" he asked with a look between the two people and Amanda gave her a look that told her to shut up. Daryl just grabbed his bowl and headed over to a table to sit with Glenn, Maggie and a few other people that she hadn't really been around. So when Carol handed her a styrofoam bowl she followed Carol back to the table she had been sitting at before. "So?" Carol asked, trying to get an answer. "I hear he's been in your cell with you all day."

"We've just been playing battle." Amanda answered before she took a bite of her food.

"Is that a sex code?" Carol asked making Amanda cover her mouth to keep from spitting her food out. Carol started laughing.

Amanda recovered from Carol's question and swallowed the lukewarm food. "That wasn't funny." Amanda said with a glare at the older woman. "And it's a card game."

"I know. I was just messing with you." Carol laughed at the still glaring girl.

Silence fell over them and soon Carol disappeared along with most of the other people still in the holding room. When Amanda finished her dinner she looked around to see that Daryl was nowhere in sight. So she tossed her bowl and fork and headed back to her cell. When she walked in she found him lying on her bed looking at the cover of her journal. "What are you doin' with that?" she asked, hoping he hadn't read it.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, I didn't read it." he said as she walked over and he handed it to her. "Was just lookin' at the doodles." He told her as she took it from him and sat it back on the metal table where she had left it.

"As long as you didn't read it." she said as she turned back to see him still lying down. So she sat back down where she had been before and picked up her cards.

"Told ya I didn't." he said as he picked up his cards and laid one down. "Why is it covered in duct tape?" he asked and she smiled at the memory of the day she decided to cover the cardboard cover in four layers of tape.

"It was falling apart and duct tape seemed to be the best thing to save it with at the time." She explained. Really she was just glad that Daryl was talking as they played.

"Still looks like it's fallin' apart." He commented. "How long ya had that thing?"

"Since I was eight." She answered as she laid down another card.

"So that explains why some of the drawings looked like a three year old did them." He commented and she stopped playing. "What?"

"I covered it in tape when I was thirteen." She said and he just started biting his nail, but he looked up at her when she started laughing. "I'm just messin' with you. You didn't offend me."

"Oh." Daryl visibly relaxed. "When'd ya start drawin' like that?" he asked as he pointed to the pictures on the wall.

"I started taking art classes in high school. So about fourteen." She answered and he nodded. "What about you, can you draw?" she asked and he shook his head no. "Then what are you good at? What are your hobbies?" she asked and he just shrugged. "Come on ya gotta be good at somethin'." She urged.

"I can track stuff." He answered and she smiled.

"Like how you tracked me to that house when I ran away?" she asked and he nodded. "That's a lot more useful than drawing doodles."

Eventually the sun completely went down and Amanda turned on a lamp, and hung it on the frame of the bed above them. "This is the longest game of battle I've ever played in my life." Daryl commented when he had most of the cards again.

Amanda yawned as she held up the four cards in her hand. "We can say you won if you want."

Daryl smiled to himself, thinking she looked cute when she was sleepy. "Alright." He told her with a nod and she held her hand out for his cards. He handed them to her then watched her put them in the box with another yawn. When she got up off of the bed he followed her lead.

"I had fun." She told him as she watched him stretch, taking in the shape of his torso and the thickness of his arms as he did.

"Me too." He told her with a nod before he reached over and plucked the drawing off of the foot of the upper bed.

He was about to walk out of the cell when a sudden bout of bravery took over and she said, "Wait." He stopped and turned back to her. "Can I see the drawin' real quick?" she asked and he handed it to her. She sat it down on the table and flipped it over before she picked up the pencil and jotted something down on the back. When she was done she handed it back to him and he started to read it, but she stopped him. "Not now. Read it later." She said, her nerves now getting the best of her and she bit her bottom lip.

He watched it slide between her teeth before he said, "M'kay then." and headed out of the cell. She stood at the door of her cell and watched him walk the short distance to his before he turned back to her and said "Night, 'Manda."

"Night, Daryl." She told him then they both disappeared into their cells.

Daryl lit the oil lamp that was sitting on a table that he used for a night stand then sat down on his bed. He looked at the drawing in the light of the lamp taking in the light strokes that formed the profile of her face. After he flipped the page over he saw that she had written a single sentence down in the left hand corner. "Regardless of if I was talking about you or Rick I just want you to know you're as sweet as your brother said you were… and more."

He was thankful that she told him to read it later, because he felt his face burning red. He sat the drawing on the nightstand then placed his face in both of his hands, hiding his blush even though no one was there to see it.

While he was sticking the drawing up on his cell wall, Amanda was digging fresh clothes out of her bag. Her night shirts were getting increasingly tighter and the basketball shorts that she usually slept in no longer fit. All she had left were short shorts that she used to wear around their house in Woodbury where no one would see her at night.

So with a sigh she took her long night shirt and short shorts with her to the showers. As the cold water rushed over her in the big lantern lit room she thought about what she had written on the back of Daryl's drawing. The more she thought about it the more she hoped she wouldn't regret it.

After her shower she dressed in the clothes she brought with her then looked at herself in the full lengths mirror to see that her stomach had pulled the shirt tight across her bump, revealing the hourglass figure that she tried so hard to hide. The tail of the shirt stopped right at the edge of the shorts, making it look like she didn't have anything on under the shirt. As she towel dried her hair she prayed that she could get to her cell without anyone seeing her.

She had her dirty clothes in one arm and a lantern in her other hand and was reaching for the door handle when it swung open revealing Daryl with a towel in his hand and a flashlight in the other. She gasped and jumped back, dropping her clothes in the process. "What are you doin' in here?" Daryl asked looking down at her where she had bent down to pick up her clothes. He didn't miss the fact that her hair had dampened the light grey shirt, revealing the black band of her bra.

"It's the shower block." She answered a little sarcastically making him realize his question was a dumb one.

"Whoa." He caught himself saying when she stood up, revealing her clothing, or lack thereof, to him.

She saw his reaction and pulled nervously at the hem of the shorts. "Are there any supply runs scheduled anytime soon?" she asked.

"Goin' on one tomorrow, why?" he asked as he walked over to one of the benches and sat his clothes down.

"I think it's pretty obvious why." She stated and he turned to look at her from where he still stood near the bench. "Would it be asking too much if I asked you to keep an eye out for some clothes for me?" she asked now pulling at the hem of the shirt.

If it were up to him she would be dressing in clothes that fit her like the ones she had been wearing all the time, but he could tell that tight fitting clothes made her uncomfortable. "Nope, just write down what all you need and the sizes and I'll see what I can do." He told her as he kicked off his shoes.

"Thanks." She told him as she watched him pull something out of his pants pocket.

She was about to leave when she heard him say, "Hey, 'Manda." When she turned around he stuck something white into the pocket of the pair of jeans that were crumpled up in her arm. "Get that list to me before noon or we'll leave without it." he told her.

She was still standing there trying to figure out what he had just stuck in her pocket when she heard water running and looked up to see that he had turned on one of the showers. She took that has he cue to leave unless she wanted to see something that she wasn't ready to see.

When she got to her cell she tossed her dirty shirt and under things onto the floor. After checking the pockets of her pants she found a folded piece of notebook paper. When she unfolded it and looked at it she thought it was just a blank piece of paper, but when she flipped it over she saw one sentence on the first line that read, "Regardless of if it's me or Rick I just wanted you to know you're not boring."

She laughed to herself at the very Daryl like compliment, glad that she hadn't made things awkward between them. Knowing that she wouldn't have time to in the morning she sat down at the table and took a sheet of paper out of a small writing tablet that was meant for grocery lists and made a list of things she needed. When she was done her eyes wandered back over to the note.

With a smile she picked it up and unfolded it. She wrote down one sentence then folded it back up and sat it on top of the list to give to Daryl in the morning.

With that done she settled into bed and for once, didn't have any trouble falling asleep.

* * *

The next morning she went through her usual routine of washing up then getting dressed. This morning she wore one of the two pairs of jeans she owned that still fit right and a tank top that fit a little too tight, but she covered it with a button up shirt that she left unbuttoned. It wasn't her usual style, but it was the only shirt she had that didn't cling to her curves like a cobra trying to squeeze the life out of her.

So, feeling decently comfortable she headed out to the garden to help Rick. On her way out of the cell she picked up the note and list and stuck it in her pocket. When she got to the garden she found Rick kneeled down looking at the green bean sprouts. "G'morning." She greeted and he glanced up at her then did a double take on her clothing choice for the day.

"Morning." He greeted as he turned his eyes back to the plant.

"How are the plants?" she asked as she kneeled down on the opposite side of the row.

"Good." He answered. "I think we finally killed out all the nut grass. Only found three this morning."

"Good, so that just leaves watering right?" she asked and Rick gave her a nod then went over to the barrel and filled a watering can then handed it to her. She started watering while Rick filled his can. They had each watered a row when she saw Daryl walk out of the cell block and start walking the rock path that led to one of the guard towers. "I'll be right back." She told Rick who just watched her start walking in Daryl's direction, pulling something out of her back pocket as she did.

"Mornin'." Daryl greeted as he stopped walking and turned to her.

"Back at cha." She said as she handed him the list with the note under it.

He took the papers and looked at the list then moved it aside to see that she had handed him his note back. When he looked up to ask her about it she was already walking back to Rick and the garden. He felt his face redden a bit before he turned and quickly headed to the tower to hide his face from the people who were out and about.

"What as that about?" Rick asked when Amanda picked up her watering can and started watering the rest of the plants.

"I asked Daryl too keep an eye out for some clothes for me while he was out on the run. I'm kinda starting to outgrow mine." She explained.

"I think what your wearing looks good." Rick commented looking at the plant he was watering and when he looked up she was looking down with an uncomfortable look on her face. "Not that you didn't always look good, but baggy didn't flatter you." he said only digging the hole deeper and making her even more uncomfortable.

"That was kinda the point." She said more to herself than him.

"Why?" he asked, not understanding why a beautiful girl like her would want to hide herself.

"Given what I've told you about my past you should understand why." She commented and he looked up to see her looking at him with creased brows before she shook her head and looked down to water another plant.

As that sunk it Rick realized that she wore baggie clothes to keep men from looking at her and having her past repeat itself. "Not every man that see's how pretty you are, is gonna hurt you, Amanda."

"No, but there are still bad men out there and I'm better off a wall flower than in the middle of the dance floor." She argued, brushing off the fact that he called her pretty before she watered the last plant and moved to pour the left over water into the barrel.

Rick tilted his head to the side trying to understand her as he watered his last plant and walked over to pour his left over water into the barrel. "But what if you belong in the middle of the dance floor?" he asked.

She sighed and dropped the can to the ground. "Trust me I don't." she argued. "And you completely missed my point."

"So what was your point?" he asked and she sighed.

"That I'm safer if I blend in and don't draw attention to myself." She answered.

"Oh." Rick answered and she started walking off, heading to the cell block to do laundry. He caught up with her and started walking beside her. "So I have a question for you." he stated.

"Another question?" she asked making him smirk at her. "Shoot." She told him, letting him know that he was welcome to ask her his question.

"I was wondering of you'd like to have dinner with me tonight." She stopped, trying to figure out what he was asking.

"Like, you want me to sit at the table you sit at with Judith and Carl?" she asked, sounding confused and he realized how vague his question had been.

"No." he said giving her a fleeting smile. "Like just me and you eating dinner in my cell." She frowned and scratched her head. "Or we can eat in the library if that would be more comfortable." He added with a shrug.

"Um, are you… Are you asking me… like a date?" she stuttered as she blinked up at him.

"If that's what you want to call it…yeah." He answered then watched her cross her arms over her chest and take a step back.

"Uh… I, uh." She frowned as she looked at the ground and shook her head to clear it. "I don't…" He tilted his head to the side as he looked at her flustered, cute behavior. He knew she would be surprised, but he didn't think he would render her speechless. "I'm flattered but… no."

He also hadn't been expecting to be turned down. It wasn't the first time he had been turned down, but in this case he had been confident that she would say yes. "Oh, uh, okay then."

His disappointment was clear on his face and she saw it. "I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, you're a great guy, but I'm not…" she trailed off trying to find the right word. "I'm not ready for that." She finished lamely.

"Okay, I understand." Rick told her before he turned and walked away.

Before she headed to the laundry room she went to her cell and sat down at the table and opened her journal. _"Rick just asked me out on a date…what the hell? I mean did I accidently give him some sort of signal that told him I was interested? Should I not have told him about my past? I was just trying to make a friend. I'm freakin' freaking out here. I felt bad about turning him down, but I'm not interested in him like that. I mean I guess I could be if it weren't for Daryl. I like Daryl, but is he really interested in me or are we just friends? I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. How the hell did I get myself in this situation?"_ aggravated with herself and Rick and Daryl she snapped the book shut and pushed it off of the table.

She had gotten up from the table and was about to walk out when she noticed a folded up piece of paper sitting on her pillow. All aggravation fled her body as curiosity took over and she picked up the note from Daryl. When she opened it she saw that he had added a sentence below hers. "Your hair's pretty." She tried to picture him telling her that to her face which only resulted in her busting out laughing.

When she got her laughter under control she sat down on the table and scribbled down a message. When she was done she folded the paper up and put it in her back pocket. She thought about sticking it somewhere in his cell, but felt like that would be an invasion of privacy considering that his sheet door was always closed. So instead she headed off to do the rest of her chores.

* * *

"So, how was your day?" Carol asked as Amanda stirred a pot of boiling water and seasoning while Carol chopped up meat from the traps that Rick had set.

"Different." Amanda answered as she tossed in the meat that Carol handed her.

"Good different or bad different?" Carol asked.

"I don't know." she answered watching the crushed up herbs floating on top of the dark water.

"Well, what was different about it?" Carol asked trying to help the younger woman.

"I was asked on a date." Amanda confessed with a wrinkle nosed look at Carol who looked at her with a scandalous look on her face.

"Really, by who?" she asked.

"Not tellin'." Amanda answered as she turned her eyes back to the pot.

"Well, did you accept?" Carol asked as she cut her eyes over to the younger woman. Amanda did the same and shook her head no. "Well, why not?"

Amanda hummed out an "I don't know."

"There has to be a reason that you told him no." Carol pressed.

"It's not that the guy that asked me out isn't a nice guy it's just…I…kinda..like Daryl." She mumbled the last part.

Carol thought she heard her say that she liked Daryl, but she wasn't sure. "I'm sorry you what?" she asked and Amanda didn't look up from the boiling pot.

"I said…you were right. I like Daryl." She said quietly.

"Aww Amanda." Carol cooed as if she had just heard that her kid had a crush on a boy.

"No, no, no, don't do that." Amanda said as she stopped stirring the pot and backed away from Carol as she pointed at her. Carol just looked at her with her bottom lip poked out and smiling eyes. "I already feel like a love struck pre teen and that's not helping."

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'll stop." Carol said wiping the look off of her face as she started chopping the last of the meat. "Does Daryl know you like him?" Carol asked with a glance over at Amanda who was stirring the pot again.

"He knows I like someone, but I think he thinks I like Rick." She confessed and Carol looked at her curiously.

"Why Rick?" Carol asked and to keep from revealing that it was Rick that asked her out, Amanda just shrugged. "Weird." Carol said with a shake of her head before she walked over and put the rest of the meat into the pot. "Cover that and let it simmer for a while." She instructed and Amanda covered the pot and set the wooden spoon off to the side.

After the soup was done they rang the triangle letting the rest of the prison know that dinner was ready. As people lined up Amanda dished up the soup into plastic bowls that Carol passed out. Amanda didn't really pay attention to the people that passed by until Rick passed by with Judith on his hip. She smiled at the baby girl who held a red solo cup in her hand, squealing as she shook it up and down. But as her eyes turned to Rick her smile faded and he gave her a nod as he took his bowl and kept on walking. A few people later Daryl walked up and took a bowl from Carol then walked around the plastic folding table to stand beside Amanda. When she heard a loud slurp come from beside her she looked at him to see that he had forwent his spoon and just drank the soup straight from the bowl. He glanced down at her before Carol cleared her throat getting her attention. Amanda shook her head then served up another bowl and handed it to Carol.

When Daryl was done slurping his soup he bumped Amanda gently on the shoulder with his elbow. "Come see me when you're done. Think I found ya some clothes." He told her and she looked at him long enough to give him a nod before she had to get back to serving the soup.

When everyone had been served she dished herself up a bowl and walked over to her usual table to eat. As soon as she was done she tossed her bowl and headed to Daryl's cell. When she got there the sheet was closed. "Daryl, you in there?" she called and she heard scuffling sounds before the curtain was pulled open and he jerked his head for her to come inside.

The first thing she noticed was the oil lamp that sat on his night stand, the second was her drawing that was stuck on the wall over the metal table in his room and the last was the plastic crate full of clothes. "Pick out what you want and the others will go in the bin for other people to pick through." He told her and she sat down in the wooden chair that was off to the side of the table and pulled the crate over to sit between her feet.

Daryl laid down on his bed and started fiddling with an arrow from his cross bow as he watched her go through the clothes. She picked up things and held them up, looking at them before she decided if she wanted it or not. She pulled a random piece of pink fabric out and held up a lace and sheer fabric negligee. As she realized what she was holding up a blush crept to her cheeks. "Um?" the sound came out as a question as he lowered the lingerie and looked at Daryl with a raised brow.

She watched as he looked up and saw what she was holding. His face turned as red as a tomato as he said, "Uh…pretty sure Glenn put that in the wrong box."

"Glenn wears lingerie?" she asked the first stupid question that popped into her head.

"I wouldn't know." he said as he stood up. "I'm pretty sure he got it for Maggie." He said as he took it out of her hands and walked outside to the railing. "Hey, Glenn!" he yelled down.

A few seconds later she heard a faint "Yeah?" that sounded like Glenn.

"Keep your lingerie to yourself." Daryl yelled way louder than necessary bring a few riled up woo who's and cat calls from the people in the building.

"Thank's Daryl, real nice." She heard Glenn say.

Amanda started laughing as Daryl walked back in with a smirk on his face. "That was mean." She said still laughing.

"Na." Daryl said as he laid back down "That's what he gets."

Amanda just smiled and shook her head as she kept going through the clothes. She was holding up a light pink long sleeved shirt, thinking about taking it just be different for once in her life when she felt another bout of bravery and asked, "Should I keep it?" and turned the shirt around for him to see the lace in the back.

"Is that a trick question?" he asked quietly making her smile.

"No, I'm serious." She said turning it around to look at it again. "I like it but the last time I wore pink I was still in elementary."

"If ya like it then take it." he said as he sat up on the edge of the bed and grabbed the railing of the upper bunk and rested his head on his forearm. She couldn't help but let her eyes slip from his blue eyes to his muscular forearm.

She cleared her throat and shook her head as she sat the pink shirt on top of a stack of white, black and grey clothes. As she picked through the rest she decided that if she was going to try wearing pink, she might as well try a few other colors and ended up grabbing some purple and blue shirts as well. When she was done she stood up and started to pick up the stack up clothes, but Daryl hummed and got up and grabbed the stack of clothes.

He walked with her to her cell. "You can just put them up there." she said as she pointed to the top bunk and he did. He was about to walk out when she remembered the note in her back pocket, "Oh, hey," he turned back to see her pulling the note out of her pocket, "here." She held the note out for him and he took it. "And uh, thanks for the clothes."

He gave her a flat face nod before he turned and left. When he got to his cell he made sure the sheet was pulled completely closed then unfolded the paper and read, "I like your eyes. They remind me of clean ocean water." He read making a smile come to his face before he placed it on wall and wrote down his response then folded it back up and headed to her cell.

She jumped when she heard someone clear their throat outside her cell then looked up to see Daryl's hand sticking into her cell between the metal frame and sheet door. She smiled as she sat her book down and walked over to take the note that he was waving around out of his hand. After trying several times to pluck the note out of his hand she grabbed his wrist making him stop long enough for her to grab it. She heard him chuckle as he pulled his hand back and left.

After unfolding the note she read. "I like your arrow." Not understanding what he was talking about she sat the note on the table and headed to his cell.

"Hey, you in there?" she asked through the closed sheet and he hummed a yes so she pulled it back enough to see him where he sat on his bed reading a book. "My arrow?" she asked then watched as he brought his hand up and flicked his ear. When she reached up and touched her ear she realized what he was talking about. "Oh, my industrial piercing." She said in realization. "Gotcha." She said before she let the curtain fall and headed back to her cell.

As she sat down at the table and picked up her pencil she bit on the eraser, trying to figure out what to write. She flipped the paper over and started doodling on the front square as she thought about it. When she thought of what she wanted to say back she flipped the note over. She stared at the next blank like with knots in her stomach and a flushed face before she bit her lip, took a leap of faith and wrote down her reply.

With that done she stuck it in her back pocket then gathered some of her new lounge clothes and headed out to the showers. She looked down the cat walk and saw that Daryl's lantern was still on so she decided to give it to him now, before she changed her mind.

He looked up when he heard her cleared her throat and saw that she was holding the note out to him. He took it from her and looked at the crossbow that she had drawn on the front as he listened to her walked down the cat walk then down the metal steps. He assumed she was headed to the library or something. So he sat down on his bed and unfolded the paper to read, "What would you say if I told you I was talking about you?" he felt his face burning red again and he still held the note in his hands as he leaned forward and placed his face in his hands.

When his face was cool again he sat the note on his night stand and just stared at it trying to figure out what was happening. He couldn't help but wonder how a woman as pretty as her, who had grown up with rich parents could possibly be attracted to a gruff, unruly guy that grew up in dirt and filth. After staring at the note for thirty minutes he finally grabbed a pen and wrote down five simple words then folded it back up and put a piece of duct tape on it. Not caring if she was in her cell or not he stuck his hand inside and slapped the inner brick wall, taping it there for her to see.

When she woke up the next morning saw the note taped to the wall and sleepily walked over and took it off, forgetting the last thing she wrote until she opened it up and saw "Are you F'ing with me?"

She sank down in the stool at her tabled and softly started banging her head on it. "Stupid, stupid, stupid." She whispered to herself then picked her head back up and grabbed her pencil and started writing. This time she didn't stop at one or two sentences and when she was done the rest of the paper was filled with her hand writing. She walked down the cat walk to Daryl's cell, stuck her arm inside then stuck the note to his wall. She went back to her cell and changed out of her bed clothes before she made herself go about her day as if nothing had happened.

When Daryl got back from his morning hunt and walked into his cell he saw the note stuck to his wall. As he took it off he made sure the curtain door was completely closed then unfolded it, shocked to see the paragraph that she had written back. After reading the first line, "No, I'm not f***ing with you." he sat down in the wooden chair and propped his feet up on the bed frame. "When I zoned out on you, as you put it, I was realizing for the first time how good looking you are. Then when you insisted that I talk to you about what I was thinking about I told you the best way I could. I didn't want to lie to you. I'm probably stupid for telling you this, but Rick asked me on a dinner date and I turned him down because I didn't want to lead him on when it's not him I like. He's a nice guy, but he doesn't understand me like you do. I told him that I'd rather be a wall flower than dancing in the middle of the room and he looked at me like I was crazy. He doesn't make me feel like you do and before I met you feeling wasn't something I liked to do. But now it's something I can handle so if you don't like me back it will be difficult, but I can handle it. I promise I won't resort to cutting again. So I'm gonna do this junior high style if you have feelings for me too check yes, and we'll figure the rest out later. If you don't…you know the drill and I'll pretend that his never happened."

He ran his hand over his beard as he looked at the two little boxes labeled yes and no. He let the paper slide from his hand as he tilted his head back and looked up at the ceiling.

 **A/N:** Reviews are most welcome. They let me know what I need to fix and how I can become a better writer.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter one.

 **The Difference between Surviving and Living.**

 **Chapter 10**

It had been two days since Amanda had given Daryl the note and she was starting to think he either didn't read it or didn't want to respond. She was sitting in the library reading a new book when Daryl walked in and she watched as he tossed a book on top of one of the shelves for someone to see put back in it's proper place. "Every book I've tried sucked ass." He said as he plopped down in the arm chair and propped his feet up loudly on the coffee table. When she saw him looking at her she turned her eyes back to the book that was propped up on her bent knees. "Got any suggestions?" he asked and she turned her eyes back to him.

"Have you tried Louis L'Amour?" she asked and he shook his head no. "He writes westerns. A lot of men like his writing." She explained and he got up to find the author so she turned her eyes back to her book. As he headed back over to the arm chair he walked past her and dropped the note into her lap. Seeing the note she expected him to leave so she could read it, but instead he plopped back down into the chair and propped his feet back up. "Am I supposed to read this now?" she asked holding up the note.

"If ya want." He said quietly then opened his book.

She thought about it for a second, fiddling with the crossbow decorated note as she did. Did she want to read it now and risk being rejecting right in front of him? She decided she didn't want to read it in front of him. Doing that defeated to point of writing notes in the first place. So she dog-eared the page she was on and set the book down on the table before she got up and walked out. When the library door shut behind her she took a deep breath and unfolded the note. When her eyes landed on the boxes a smile spread over her face and she let the breath out in a laugh.

As he patted her pockets she realized she didn't have a pen on her to write a response. So she folded the paper back up and headed back into the library. When she walked in Daryl looked up to see he hold the note up between her pointer and middle fingers. "I don't have a pen so can I just asked you want I wanna ask?" she asked as she walked over and tapped his ankle with her hand, silently asking him to move. He gave her a nod as he dropped his feet from the table and she sank down to sit where his feet had been. "Are you serious?" she asked.

He gave her a nod and hummed out a yes.

"You're not just screwin' with me?" she asked, trying to control the knots that were forming in her stomach.

"Wouldn't do that to ya." He answered looking at her through slotted eyes.

"So…now what?" she asked, talking to herself more than to him.

"Don't know, never dated anyone before." He mumbled, fidgeting with the still open book in his hands.

"So we're…dating?" she asked hesitantly as she turned her eyes to the floor hoping to hide her burning cheeks.

"If ya wanna be." he answered and she looked up to see his cheeks were red.

"Okay then." She said before silence fell over then as they both processed what was going on.

A few minutes had passed before Amanda let out a quiet yelp and jumped as she pressed her hand to her rounded belly. "What?" Daryl asked looking up from the book he was attempting to read, but couldn't focus.

"That was one hell of a kick." She sighed as she rubbed her belly then moved from the hard table to sit on the couch. When she looked over at him she noticed him biting his finger nail. "Have you ever felt a baby movin' before?" she asked and he shook his head no. "Do you want to?" she asked and he stared at her for a second before he nodded his head yes. So she scooted over to the end of the love seat and motioned for him to come over. So he moved to sit beside her and watched as she placed her hand on her stomach and moved it around before she took it off. "Give me your hand?" she asked and when he held his hand out she grabbed his wrist and sat his hand on her stomach. A few seconds passed as they waited for a movement. She watched his face the whole time and when the baby finally moved his eyes grew wide and he jerked his hand back. "You feel it?" she asked, knowing the answer.

"Umhmm." He hummed and she smiled at him. "Felt weird." He said quietly.

"Imagine how it feels to me. Sometimes I swear he's playing soccer in there." she said as she pulled her feet up onto the couch, making her lean slightly closer to Daryl. "Pretty sure he had the hiccups last night."

"Hiccups, really?" he asked. "Is that even possible?"

"I don't know, but that definitely what it felt like." She said and he shook his head.

"Bet that was annoyin'." He said gruffly making her smile.

"No, it was actually kinda cool, weird, but cool." She said as she ran a hand over her belly with a smile.

"What's it like?" Daryl asked just to keep her talking.

She tilted her head to the side, "What's what like?" she asked and he pointed to her stomach. "Bein' pregnant?" she asked and he nodded. "I don't know…Life changing, I guess." She asked as she turned to put her back against the arm of the couch so she wouldn't have to crane her neck to see him. "I've never loved anyone as much as I love this baby and I've never even seen it's face." she said as she let her eyes move to look at her hands instead of him.

"Thought ya said ya hated the baby." He said remembering their conversation.

"I did, but when it started moving I realized that this baby is real and innocent. It can't help how it was conceived or who it's father is and I can't change any of that. So I just accepted all that and the fact that this baby is mine, not his, and it's my responsibility to give this baby the life I didn't have."

"Thought ya grew up with rich parents." He said as he played with his facial hair.

"Not talkin' about money and toys." She said and he dropped his hand from his face. "There was no love in my house, not for me anyways." She said as she sat up in an attempt to stretch her back.

"Ya had a brother didn't ya?" he asked and she nodded. "They treated ya different than him?"

"Oh yeah. He was the freakin golden child. Star of the football team, different cheerleader on his arm every week. He got a football scholarship. Don't get me wrong I was treated like a princess, the prized beauty of the family up until the…the birthday party." She stumbled over the horrific event of her past. "After that I changed. I cut off my hair so short that a beautician couldn't make it look good. I threw away all my bright, pretty shirts and refused to wear anything but dark colors. There for a while I stopped eating. I was a mess and no one cared to figure out why. They just ignored me and focused on making my brother the star so no one noticed me. And I was fine with that."

"Why'd you cut your hair off?" Daryl asked not being able to imagine her without her beautiful hair.

When she looked up she saw him looking at the braid that rested on her shoulder. "Uh, enough about me, let's talk about you." she said changing the subject.

"What about me?" he asked, visibly stiffening.

"I don't know." she said with a shrug. "I pretty much know what your childhood was like thanks to Merle." She said and he started biting his thumb nail again as he looked at her though his long bangs. Without thinking about it she sat up and reached out to push them back out of his face. He flinched back slightly causing her to stop to look him in the eyes. "You think I'm gonna hurt you?" she asked and he hummed out a no so she pushed his soft hair off to the side then sat back down.

"Why'd ya do that?" he asked in his quiet gruff voice.

"I wanted to see your eyes." She confessed as she felt her cheeks flush. As the ache in her back increased and uncomfortable groan left her lips as she sat up and tried to stretch it.

"Yer back hurtin' ya?" he asked and she nodded. "Come 'ere." He told her so she scooted closer and he motioned for her to turn her back to him so she did. "Where's it hurt?" he asked and she reached around and pointed to her lower back.

A sigh of relief left her lips as he started massaging the aching muscles. As he massaged he could feel her tight muscles turning to putty in his hands. "God…" she sighed as he started moving up her back. "That feel's so good." She told him when his hands got close to her shoulders she pulled the rubber band our of her braid and twirled her hair up into a bun before she secured it with the ponytail holder, revealing a star and moon tattoo on the back of her neck. When he started massaging her shoulder her head fell forward and her eyes slid shut. When he was done he let his hands slide down her shoulders to her arms and gave them a light squeeze before he let go. "Thank you." she said as she opened her eyes and turned to the side to look at him.

"Didn't know ya had a tattoo." He said as she slid back to sit with her back against the plush back of the couch. She was closer to him than before and she couldn't help but think how nice it would be if he put his arm around her.

"Yeah." She replied simply, feeling sleepy after his relaxing actions. "Do you have any?" she asked with a look up at him and he nodded. "Can I see them?" she asked making him visually stiffen.

"They're on my back." He almost whispered, making her realize why he stiffened. Since she knew what kind of man their father was, she knew that when they got in trouble they were whipped what an actual whip. "Ya still wanna see?" he asked and she looked up to see him looking down at her.

"Only if you're comfortable showin' me." she said, not knowing if she was ready to see the scars, but knowing that it would be a big deal for him to let her see his ugly past.

She watched as he scooted to the edge of the couch and started unbuttoning his sleeveless shirt. Her mouth instantly went dry as she realized she was about to see him shirtless. When he had his shirt unbuttoned he slipped it halfway down his back and arms only revealing the top half of his back. He turned his back to her showing the two demons on his right shoulder blade. After taking in the tattoos her eyes slid to the raised purple scars that crisscrossed his back. Her hand had a mind of it's own as she reached out and traced the wing of the bottom demon. He jumped at her touch, but soon relaxed as her fingertips slid up to trace the upper demon.

Without thinking she let her fingertips slide over one long raised scar that went from shoulder to mid back. "Do they hurt?" she whispered knowing how deep a cut had to be to leave a scar this bad. She let her fingertips slide across his shoulder then down his arm before she placed her hand back in her lap.

"Only on rainy days." He answered as he pulled his shirt back up and started buttoning it. When his shirt was completely buttoned he slid back on the couch and propped his feet back up on the table. When he looked at her she was staring down at nothing in particular and he could tell she was thinking about something. "What'cha thinkin' bout?" he asked as he put his arm on the back of the couch.

"Nothin'." She answered with a shake of her head, not looking at him. She was surprised when he reached out and touched her soft cheek, making her look up at him to see that he was giving her a look that seemed to say 'you're not thinkin' about nothin'.' "I'm just really sorry that happened to you." she said as her eyes watered.

"Don't be sorry." He said repeating her previous words back to her. "Ain't nothin' no one could'a done." He said with a shrug.

She surprised them both when she leaned sideways and wrapped her arm around his waist, hugging him like he had hugged her. He stiffened in her arms for a second and after he relaxed she looked up to see him looking down at her. "Are you…okay with this?" she asked hesitantly and to prove he was he took his arm off of the back of the couch and draped it across her shoulders. She smiled up at him before she laid her head on his chest and smiled to herself.

They were comfortable just sitting there in perfect silence. That was until Daryl noticed her head fall forward then jerk back up in an attempted to stay awake. "Ya sleepy?" He asked sounding sleepy himself.

She shook her head no as her hand moved to fiddle with one of the buttons on his shirt. "No." She argued even though her sleepy tone defied her.

"Yer dozin' off." He argued as his thumb rubbed her shoulder through the thin fabric of her sleep shirt.

"Nu uh." She argued before she sat up and looked him in the eyes. He was giving her a 'get real' look. "Okay, I'm sleepy." She confessed quietly in her sweet monotone voice. "I just don't want this to end."

"Why?" he asked taking his eyes from her to look at the floor.

She sighed, building up the courage to answer his question. "Because I'm afraid if I go to sleep I'll wake up in Woodbury and realized this was just a dream."

"Ain't gonna happen." He assured her.

"How do you know?" she asked and he reached up and pulled the ponytail holder out of her hair, making it spin out of the bun and fall around her shoulders.

"Cause what woman would dream up me?" he asked making her laugh.

"Me apparently." She said as she stood up off of the couch and held her hand out for him. "Come on, be a gentleman and walk me to my cell."

He scoffed at her as he slapped his hand into hers and stood up. "Hate to tell ya, but I ain't a gentleman."

"Good. Gentlemen are usually douche bags behind closed doors." She countered as they walked to the door hand in hand before she remembered the note sitting on the table. "Oh, wait." She said as she let go of his hand to go back and pick it up then tucked it into her pocket. "Wouldn't want someone finding that." She told him as she walked back over and grabbed his hand, threading her fingers through his.

"Why not?" he asked as they walked out of the door then started slowly walking down the hallway.

"I don't know, it's kinda a private conversation, isn't it?" she asked and he shrugged. "Why, do you want to tell people about us?" she asked as she looked up at him in the dim hallway.

"Gonna be kinda hard to keep it a secret. These people gossip worse than a group of knitting grannies." He said making her laugh. "'sides, I wouldn't want Rick asking you out again."

She smiled down at the ground and gave his hand a light squeeze. "How do we tell people we're together?" she asked with a glance up at him.

He shrugged. "Let 'em figure it out on their own." She nodded her head and they walked in silence until they came to her cell. Daryl let go of her hand and leaned against the brick wall.

"So I'll see you in the mornin'?" she asked quietly and he bit his lip as he gave her a nod. "Um," she said then bit her lip before she stood on her tiptoes and placed a kiss on his scruffy cheek. When she pulled back the redness in his face was noticeable even in the dim light of her battery powered lantern in his hand. "G'night, Daryl." She told him with a shy smile.

"Night, 'Manda." He told her before he turned and walked away.

* * *

The next morning as Amanda's eyes fluttered open a smile spread over her face. In that moment the baby kicked making her smile bigger. "Things are looking up little one." She whispered to the baby as she rubbed her hands over her rounded belly. With a sigh she swung herself up and ran her fingers through her hair. "Well, little one, it's time another day in the salt mine." She said as she got up off the bed and started getting dressed for the day.

She had just finished pulling her new pink shirt over her head when she heard a whistle outside her cell. So she went to the door and pulled it aside to see Daryl on the other side. "G'mornin'." He greeted her making her smile as she stepped back and motioning for him to come inside.

"Morning." She greeted back then picked up her nightclothes off of the bed and tossed them in the corner to be washed later. "What's up?" she asked as she turned back to him to see that he was leaning on the upper bed.

"Nothin'." He answered as he crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his fingers into the armholes of his shirt.

"Nothin'?" she asked as she walked over to lean against the wall across from him. "Ya didn't come here for any specific reason?" she asked and Daryl shrugged. "Okay, then I gotta go to the garden." She said as she pushed herself off of the wall and started to leave, but he grabbed her hand stopping her. When she turned back to look at him she could tell him was thinking about something. So she walked back over to stand a foot away from him. "What's on your mind?" she asked softly, knowing that he looked conflicted.

"Do you have to work with Rick?" he asked and she tilted her head to the side, confused by his question.

"No, I guess not. Why?" she asked. He started biting his nail and shrugged. "I can practically see the wheels turnin' in your head. What's goin' on up there?" she asked as she took a step closer to him and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I just…" Daryl started gruffly quiet, "If he's asked ya out do ya really think it's a good idea to keep workin' with em?"

"I don't see why it wouldn't be. I mean, I made it pretty clear that I wasn't interesting in him like that." She answered with a furrow browed look up at him. "Do you think it's a bad idea?" she asked.

"Yeah." He answered quietly, like he was scared to be having this conversation with her.

"Why?" she asked, just wanting to understand him.

"Cause Rick usually gets what Rick wants." He answered.

"Even if he knows that what he wants ain't up for grabs anymore?" she asked.

Daryl visually tensed before he said, "Does he know ya ain't available?"

"No, I guess not." She answered then bit her lip.

"Are you gonna tell 'em?" Daryl asked as he dropped his hand from his mouth to cross it back over his chest.

"I wouldn't exactly know how to bring that up in a conversation." She answered as she scooted the chair out from under the table and sat down, giving her feet a rest. "I'll stop workin' with him if that's what ya want."

"Do ya like gardenin'?" he asked and she nodded. "Then it ain't what I want." He answered and she smiled a little, grateful that he wasn't letting his jealousy get in the way of her happiness.

"Okay, then I'll make sure he knows that I'm taken and I ain't gonna change my mind." She answered as she stood up again, placing her hands on her back as she stretched.

"How ya feelin' this mornin'?" he asked noticing her discomfort.

"Fine, usual back pains. Hershel says that it's nothing to worry about." She answered then bent down to tie her shoe that had come undone.

"Okay." She heard Daryl say as she fastened the laces then stood back up. "So I was thinkin'…" Daryl started and his tone made her smile. "We could have dinner in the library tonight, if ya want to."

"Sure, but it'll have to be after I serve everyone." She stated.

He nodded. "I can wait."

"Good, then it's a date." She said with a smile as she walked out of the cell then came back and stuck her head inside. "And if I don't see you until then…I hope you have a good day." She said with a smile then was gone again.

She still had a smile on her face when she got out to the garden where Rick was kneeling down plucking nut grass out of the rows and examining the plants that were growing taller and taller every day.. "Hey." She told him and he could tell there was something different about her before he even looked up. But when he did he saw a smile on her face and the pink shirt she was wearing.

"Hey. You're late." Rick pointed out as he stood up and tossed the grass over the fence.

"Yeah, sorry I got caught up talking to Daryl." She said as she walked over. "Is the nut grass back?"

"No, well, yeah, just a few pieces here and there." Rick answered, distracted by her all around chipper mood and brighter appearance. "You sure are talking to Daryl a lot these days."

She was quiet as she filled her watering can then as she walked back over to the garden she said, "Well, it would be weird if we didn't talk a lot given the circumstances."

"Circumstances?" he asked, standing still as she started to water the plants.

"Well, we're uh, we're dating." She answered not looking at him.

"Seriously?" he asked and she just looked up at him.

"Yeah, seriously." She almost laughed and Rick looked at her like she had just shot him in the heart. "Look, I'm sorry if I did something to lead you on or make you think I wanted something more than your friendship." She said as she stopped watering to look at him as she spoke.

"I just thought, when you opened up to me about your past that it meant something." He explained.

"It did mean something." She reassured him as she sat down her watering can and walked over to stand across from him. "It meant that I trust you and that I…saw you as more than just another threat. I see you as a friend, Rick." She stated and he just nodded down at her. "And that's saying something, I don't make friends often or like, ever. You're only the fourth one I've ever made in my entire life."

"Really? Only the forth?" he asked.

"Yeah, and all of those friends were made after the turn. When there were less people to call me an emo freak." She said as she walked back over to her abandoned watering can and started watering again.

"What's an emo?" Rick asked making her stop watering and tense up.

"It's uh, it's someone who wears a lot of black and cuts themselves just for the attention" she answered then kept watering.

"Are you an emo?" he asked.

She stopped and looked down at the pink shirt and denim jeans. "No, I never was. I just wore a lot of black."

"You still do." Rick said and she looked up from the plant to see him smirking at her.

They worked in comfortable silence until the garden was completely cared for then went their separate ways as usual.

* * *

She didn't see Daryl much during the day other than just passing each other on their way here and there, doing odd jobs around the prison.

Currently she was in the holding room helping Carol prepare dinner, which consisted of adding to the left over's from the night before. "So, how are things with you and Daryl?" Carol asked as she stirred the pot.

Amanda felt herself blush as she sat down in a chair. "We're uh, we're good."

"Just good?" she asked with a smile at Amanda's small smile and flushed cheeks.

"Maybe a little better than good." Amanda replied as she started peeling potatoes that had been harvested from the garden. "We're dating." She confessed making Carol looked at her across her shoulder with a smile on her face. "If you can even call it that in this world. I mean, it's not like we can go out on a real date, or dinner and a movie or anything."

"No, but there are a few cozy places around here that the two of you could slip off to." Carol said, thankfully not making a big deal about the couple becoming a couple.

"He asked me to eat dinner with him in the library tonight." The younger woman admitted and Carol looked at her with raised brows. "I'm nervous, but at the same time I'm really not."

"Why's that?" Carol asked thinking back to a time when Amanda would hardly say a word to her and now she was talking to her about guys. They were becoming true girlfriends.

"I don't know. I feel like I can be myself around him. Like I can tell him anything and I won't be judged or looked at like I'm a freak." Amanda said as she stared down at the potato in her hand.

"Daryl's good like that." Carol said as the liquid in the pot started boiling. "Do you have those potatoes ready?" Amanda peeled the last one then walked over and tossed them into the pot. "Alright, just need to let those get tender then it'll be ready." Carol said as she set a timer then turned to the younger woman. "So has the little one gotten the hiccups yet?"

"What?" Amanda asked and Carol nodded to her stomach.

"Has the baby gotten the hiccups? That's always one of the best moments in a pregnancy." Carol said as she sat down in the chair next to Amanda.

"I think so." She laughed the realized that Carol was talking as if she's been pregnant before. "Have… have you had kids?" she asked, knowing it could lead to a bad conversation, but she was curious and wanted to get to know Carol better.

"Yeah. I had a few miscarriages before I had my daughter, Sophia." Carol answered numbly.

"What happened to her?" Amanda asked, her monotone voice quiet and sad.

"She uh… We got caught up in a herd. She got scared and ran into the woods, got lost, got bit." Carol answered not looking at Amanda, but at the floor instead.

"I'm so sorry, Carol." Amanda said and Carol stood up and walked over to brush Amanda's hair out of her face. She smirked when Amanda pulled away slightly, reminding her way to much of the first time she touched Daryl. Both of them were still so skittish at times.

"Don't be. She wasn't cut out for this world." she told the younger girl before her hand slid down to cup her chin. "You just take care of yourself and your little one will be fine." She told Amanda with a small smile as she let go of her face and walked over to stir the pot of soup. "Few more minutes and this'll be done." She told Amanda who nodded and started getting the bowls and spoons ready.

The two of them were serving the people that walked by when Daryl walked around the table and bumped Amanda on her shoulder with his elbow. She gave him a quick smile and a "Hey." before she turned back to the person waiting and handed him a bowl. "How was your day?" she asked with a quick glance at him before she grabbed the bowl Carol was holding out to her and stuck a clear plastic spoon in it then handed it to a blond headed woman that she had never seen before.

"Hey, Daryl." The woman said with a shy, somewhat flirty smile at him. Amanda looked up at the woman then Daryl with squinted eyes.

Daryl threw his arm around Amanda's shoulders. "Hey." He said back.

The woman looked between the two of them as if she were thinking there was no way the two could be a couple. "Hi, I don't think we've met. I'm Amanda." She said as she stuck her hand out offering a hand shake.

The blond shook it then moved aside so others could get their food. "Hey, I'm Tammy." She responded as Amanda started handing out food again. "Are you Daryl's daughter?"

Amanda busted out laughing while Daryl tensed up. "No." she answered through her laughter and the woman gave her a curious look. "I'm…" she stopped laughing and looked up at Daryl to see him looking down at her with a blank face, his arm still around her shoulders. "I'm his girlfriend." She answered then looked back at the woman.

"Oh, okay then." The woman said as she dropped her head and walked away. Daryl dropped his arm from Amanda's shoulders and let her get back to work.

When everyone else had been fed Carol dished up a bowl for the three of them then gave the couple a knowing smile and walked over to sit at a table with Beth, Rick, Carl and Judith. The couple walked side by side to the library and when they got inside Daryl sat down on the sofa to eat while Amanda sat her bowl on the table across from him and sat down on the floor to eat. "So, uh, who was the blond?" Amanda asked before sticking a bite of food in her mouth.

"Huh?" Daryl asked being purposely evasive.

She swallowed her food then stared down at the brown liquid as she said, "The blond chick in the holding room that I've never seen before."

"Oh, we found her out on the run today." He explained.

"Ah." She replied before things fell awkwardly silent between them. "She was flirting with you." Amanda finally said, addressing the elephant in the room.

"Was she?" he asked, glancing up from the bowl he was slurping from. Amanda just rolled her eyes at him. He swallowed his food before he asked. "Ya jealous or somethin'?"

"A little." She admitted with a blush before she stuck a piece of potato in her mouth.

"Don't gotta be." he slurped down the last of his food then leaned up and sat the bowl down on the table.

"And why's that?" she asked before she gave up on etiquette, sat down her spoon and started drinking the soup out of the side of the bowl.

"Cause I ain't into blonds." He answered simply.

"Right." She said before she drank down the last of her soup then sat the bowl down and tossed her spoon inside. "She thought I was your daughter." She complained as she got up off of the floor and moved to sit beside him on the couch. "Like, I'm not complaining or anything, I'll take it as a compliment, but seriously how young do I look?" she asked expecting Daryl to answer as she pulled one leg up onto the couch and turned sideways to face him.

"Is that a trick question?" he asked and she shook her head no. "I've been told it ain't polite to talk about a woman's age."

"No, I'm serious, how old do I look?" she asked.

"Twenty five?" he asked and she shook her head no. "Older or younger?"

"Younger." She answered and he started biting his thumb nail.

"Twenty four?" he asked hoping she wasn't much younger than that.

"Younger." She said then noticed his brows draw together. "You look…Concerned, about something." She said and he didn't say anything, he just looked from her down to his lap. "What is it?" she asked leaning down to brush his bangs out of his face so she could see his eyes.

"You're younger than I thought." He said finally looking at her.

"I'm twenty." She said, letting him know just how young she was. It clicked in Daryl's head that she was only two years older than Beth's age. He really was old enough to be her father. "How old are you?" she asked, as her stomach started to knot.

"Forty-three." He answered, waiting for her reaction when she realized exactly how much older than her he was. He was expecting a gasp or for her to just stare off into the distance, but no such reaction came.

"Are you expecting me to be repulsed by our age difference?" she asked. If she wasn't uncertain of if he was disgusted with their age difference she would be a bit amused, but as it was she was afraid he wouldn't like how young she was.

"Maybe." He said with an audible swallow and a nod.

"Well, I'm not. Are…are you?" she asked as she looked down at her hands and started popping the rubber band she had placed around her wrist.

He looked like he was thinking before he looked up and shook his head no. "Na, age is just a number anyway." He said gruffly with a shoulder shrug.

She smiled and stretched her back before she leaned back onto the arm of the couch and pulled her other leg up onto the couch. "So what did you have planned for us to do after we ate?" she asked, wondering what his idea of a dinner date in this world was.

He hummed out an "I don't know." and shrugged not wanting to tell her that what he really wanted to do was make out on the couch like a couple of teenagers.

"Come on, don't clam up on me now." she said as she sat up and tugged his hand from his mouth. As she did her finger tip brushed against his lower lip making her freeze from the sensation that shot through her finger. Daryl's lip tingled where her fingers had touched and his breath caught in his throat.

Their hands were suspended in the air between them and Daryl twisted his hand so that his fingers laced through hers. Wanting to feel the tingling sensation again he brought her hand to his lips and brushed them lightly across her knuckles. Her breath hitched and her eyes slid shut as his breath warmed her skin. When she felt him move her hand down to rest on his knee she opened her eyes. They landed on his, looking at her through his long hair and an overwhelming need to kiss him washed over her.

Without thinking she placed her free hand on the back of the couch and stood on her knees, placing her plump lips on his thin ones. As soon as she felt his lips tense she backed off and turned away, covering her face with her hands. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry." She said through her hands. Her stomach began to hurt and she felt as if she might cry. "I'm so stupid." She sighed as she got up off the couch and headed for the door.

"Hey, 'Manda." He called as he got up, but she kept on walking. So he ran after her.

She had just pulled the door open when he grabbed her arm making her stop. "Wha-" she started to ask as she turned around, but was cut off when he grabbed her face, leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. Her whole body relaxed as her hands moved to his waist.

When the kiss broke he brushed his pointer finger down her cheek then took a step back. "Don't go." He asked.

"Okay." She whispered before she shut the door then walked with him back to the couch. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she leaned on him and pulled her legs up on the couch. She leaned her head on his shoulder. As a wave of feelings, lust, happiness, sadness and plain old confusion rushed over her she moved her hand to the rubber band on her wrist.

Daryl watched her thin fingers grab it and pull it up before she let it go with a pop. After three pops a red welt had formed on the pale skin of her wrist. "What's with the rubber band?" he asked as he stuck his finger under the band keeping it from popping her again.

"It's a uh…alternative to a much worse option." She answered hesitantly, not looking at him.

"Ya mean cuttin'?" he asked and she hummed out a yes. He took his finger out from under the rubber band then hooked it under her chin, making her look at him. "Ya feel like cuttin' right now?" her brows furrowed and she swallowed hard before she nodded. "Why?" he asked with a hardened face and voice.

She feared he would get mad at her, but she wasn't going to lie. "Because you make me feel things."

"Bad things?" he asked, misunderstanding her.

"No. It's not just bad feelings that make me want to cut, good feelings do too." She explained quietly and his hand slid down to rest on her neck.

"I don't get it."

"The only way I know to explain it is: Say I'm a water balloon and every extreme feelin' I have is another drop of water that gets added. If more and more water droplets get added the balloon is going to pop, Right?" she asked and he hummed. "But if a few holes are poked in the balloon some of the pressure will go away." He didn't say anything for a while as he stared into her big green eyes. "What are you thinking right now?" she asked wishing she could jump into his head and hear his thoughts for a second.

"That you're weird." He answered quietly.

"Oh, thanks." She said with a scoff as she looked away.

"Didn't mean it in a bad way." He admitted making her looking back up at him.

"Good." She said with a small smile as she reached up and used her middle finger to brush his hair out of his face. She let her fingertips slide down his cheek then over his thin lips before she sat her hand on his chest. "Just so you know…" she said in her quiet, sweet, monotone voice, "You can kiss me again anytime you want. Unless you would prefer that I ki-" she was cut off when he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers.

She instantly relaxed as his arm that was across her shoulders slid down to wrapped around her back, holding her to him as his other hand slid down to rest on her outer thigh. Her hand on his chest slid over to grip his shirt at his side. Without question or hesitation she let her tongue slide across Daryl's bottom lip, asking him to let her in. Instead of granting her the access she wanted he pulled back and looked down at her though veiled eyes. As he looked at her, her nerves started to settle in and she swallowed hard giving him a look that asked if she had done something wrong. "You're gonna be the death of me woman." He grumbled before he pulled her to him, pressing his lips back to hers.

She didn't fight when she felt his hand grip her thigh and pull her leg over him so that she was straddling his lap. His hands moved to grip her hips as she pulled back to look into his eyes as she brushed his hair out of his face again. As she did his fingers moved up, under the hem of her shirt, brushing against her warm skin. She inhaled a sharp breath at the sensation his skin on hers sent through her body. "Daryl…" she sighed.

The lust in her voice as she said his name made his breath hitch and the only thing he could think to do was kissed her again, and this time when her tongue brushed against his lips he parted them. As their tongues started fighting for control she moaned and leaned closer to him, crossing her arms behind his neck.

They had been making out like that for a while and Amanda had just started unbuttoning his sleeveless shirt when they heard the library door open. She stiffened, but didn't get off of him as she turned to see Tyreese and Karen standing in the door way. "Sorry." Tyreese said with a look back at Karen. "We'll leave." He said as he took Karen's hand and shut the door behind them.

She stared at the closed door for a second before she turned back to Daryl. "Uh…" she said feeling heat rush to her cheeks. "Well this was awkward."

"Mhmm." Daryl hummed and moved his hands from her hips to rest on her thighs.

"Should…do you want to turn in for the night?" she asked as she played with the next button of his shirt.

"No, do you?" he asked, letting his thumb rub her leg through her jeans.

"Not really, but it kinda feels like we're out in the open now." she said as she stopped playing with the button to look up at him.

"Then let's go to my cell." He suggested.

"Are you sure?" she asked and instead of answering her he wrapped his arms around her and stood up. She yelped and pressed her face into his chest as she wrapped her legs around him. She started laughing as he loosened his grip and she put her feet on the floor. When she looked up she saw him smiling a toothy smile down at her.

"Come on." He said as he took her hand and led her out of the door. They walked hand in hand. "You think of any names for the baby yet?" he asked, trying to make conversation.

"A few for a boy." She answered then looked at him to see him give her a hand motion telling her to tell him. "Arden, Liam or Kayden." She answered as she looked down. "Do you have any other suggestions?" she asked then looked up to see him shake his head.

"I like Kayden." He answered as he gave her hand a squeeze. "What if it's a girl?"

"I don't know. I can't come up with any." She said as they came to the door of his cell. "Can you?"

"What about Sarah?" he asked as he pushed the curtain aside and waved her in.

"I like it." she said with a smile up at him. "Kayden or Sarah Burch it is." She said as she sat down on his bed and ran her hand over her bump smiling down at it.

"Burch?" he asked making her look up at him. "That the dad's last name?" he asked.

"No, it's mine." She said giving him a frown. "Wait, you didn't know my last name?" she asked and he shook his head. "I guess last names matter just about as much as ages do in this world." she said as he sat down on the bed and pulled her into his side. "You keep trying to figure out who the father is…but who he is or was doesn't matter. All you need to know about him was that I didn't love him, hell I didn't even really like him that much. He was a murder, a liar and a cheat. I hope for everyone's sake that he's dead." She whispered while rubbing her itching tummy.

"I thought you told Carol he was dead." Daryl said looking down at her.

She felt him move and looked up at him as she shook her head no. "I lied." She said taking in his blue eyes in the orange light of the oil lamp. "I lied because I wanted him dead for killing me." she said and Daryl gave her a curious look. "When I found out I was pregnant I was sure I was good as dead. I have yet to see a woman survive childbirth in this world."

"You still think you're gonna die?" he asked and she sighed and rested her forehead on his shoulder.

"I don't know…" she answered as she wrapped her arm around his waist. "I hope not. I'm just starting to feel alive for the first time in my life, ya know?" she asked as she looked up into his eyes. "Like I'm not just surviving anymore."

Daryl couldn't stop himself from leaning down and pressing his lips to hers while cupping her cheek in his hand. They started making out again, but unlike the time before it didn't get heated and she ended up falling asleep next to him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter one.

 **The Difference between Surviving and Living.**

 **Chapter 11**

She woke up to a cramping pain in her stomach and as she sat up she realized her jeans felt wet. So she got up and lit the lamp on Daryl's table so that she could see. As she looked down she noticed a large dark spot on her jeans. She touched it then lifted her hand to the light that shined off of the sticky red liquid on her fingertips and her hand started to shake. "Daryl." She said and he just grunted. "Daryl!" she yelled.

He shot straight up in the bed, swinging a knife that was only in his hand in his dream. "What?" he asked sleepily.

"I need Hershel." She said shakily not being able to take her eyes off of the blood on her fingertips.

As soon as he realized what the dark spot on her jeans was he took off down stairs. While he was gone she noticed a large circle of blood on the mattress where she had been lying next to him. "What's wrong?" Hershel asked in a voice that calmed her.

"I'm bleeding a lot and my stomach hurts really bad." She answered with a strained voice as she pointed to the spot on Daryl's bed.

"Daryl, I need you to give us some space and get Carol up here." Hershel said as he put his hand on Amanda's shoulder and Daryl nodded then left letting the curtain close behind him. "I'm not gonna lie, you could be losing the baby, but you could also be perfectly fine. I just need to examine you." he explained, but she didn't hear a single word after "you could be losing the baby."

After that she became a numb puppet being sat down on the bed and undressed from the waist down by Carol then poke and prodded at like an animal as they tried to figure out what was going on. She didn't pay attention to what they were doing. Instead she stared up blankly at the bottom of the bunk above her as she did what she was told. It was only after she was rolled this way then that as the sheets were changed, a blanket placed over her and Carol and Hershel started to leave that she looked away from the bottom of the upper bunk to Carol, who was looking at her with tears in her eyes. "I lose it, didn't I?" she asked the older woman numbly.

"Yes, I'm so sorry." Carol whispered then watched as Amanda's face scrunched up and tears started trickling out of her closed eyes. She hugged her now baby-less stomach as her body shook with sobs.

"Why?" Amanda cried and Carol walked to the side of the bed then kneeled down to be eye level with her. "What did I do wrong?" she asked through sobs.

The older woman brushed the girl's messy black strands out of her face. "Nothing." She answered with a shaky voice, knowing how bad Amanda was hurting right now. "You did absolutely nothing wrong." Amanda rolled onto her side and pressed her face into the pillow under her head to muffle her cries. Carol rubbed her back as she stood up, then left the woman alone to grieve.

"Is she okay?" Daryl asked as soon as they were both out on the perch where he had been waiting the whole time.

"She's fine." Hershel answered in his calming manner.

"And the baby?" Daryl asked.

Hershel sighed and shook his head. "Her body rejected the pregnancy." Daryl's head fell forward as he tried not to cry. "You're close to her?" Hershel asked and Daryl looked back up at the older man with red eyes as he nodded. "She's goin' to need all the support she can get right now."

"Hershel?" They all turned to look at her where she stood in the doorway of Daryl's cell with a blanket wrapped around her naked hips.

"You should get back in bed." he said as he walked over and put his hand on her shoulder to user her back into the cell.

"Was there anything to…can I…" she knew what she wanted to ask, but didn't know how to ask it.

"Do you want to see your baby?" he asked.

Her face scrunched up again as tears started sliding down her face. Daryl had seen her cry, but not like this, not this hard. They all just watched as she pulled herself together just enough to ask, "Was it…a boy or a girl?"

"It was a girl." He answered.

"Sarah." She sighed as her head fell forward and tears slipped numbly down her face.

Hershel looked around, not knowing what she meant. "It was the name she picked last night." Daryl explained with his voice more rough than usual.

"Ah." Hershel said then turned back to Amanda. "Do you want to have a funeral for her?" he asked and she nodded then looked up at him. "Okay, we'll wait until you're able to be present for that." He said as he gave her shoulder a pat then ushered her back into the cell, put her back in bed then walked back out onto the perch. "Who all here is close to her?" Hershel asked Daryl and Carol.

"Just us." Daryl answered.

"And Rick." Carol added making Daryl glance over at her. She just shrugged.

"Well she's gonna need all of you." Hershel said then turned to Daryl. "You two are together?" he asked making Daryl stand up straighter.

"How'd you know?" he asked.

"She was sleeping in your cell. Kinda says it all don't you think?" Hershel said making Daryl realize that they had been caught sleeping together. "If she has feelings for you then she's goin' to need you the most. I don't want her to be left by herself for very long, so I think the council will understand if you take a few days off to be with her."

"Will do." Daryl said with a nod as he headed to the cell.

"And Daryl?" Hershel called making Daryl turn to look at him. "If she starts running a fever or bleeding heavily again, come get me."

Daryl bit his lip and gave Hershel a nod then ducked into the cell. Once inside he looked down at Amanda, curled into a ball on her side, staring at the wall across from her. "I'm sorry I ruined your bed." she whispered then sniffled.

"It's just a mattress." He said as he sank down into the wooden chair across from her. "Plenty more where that one came from." He leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees then reached out and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry…"

Tears slipped over the bridge of her nose then landed on the pillow as she reached up and grabbed his rough hand. "Me too…" she whispered and he used his free hand to catch a tear that was about to fall from her nose.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked and she shook her head no. "You want me to leave you alone?" he asked and she gripped his hand tighter as she shook her head no again.

***Three Days Later***

She stood with Daryl, Carol, Rick, and Hershel next to a tiny hole in the dirt with a little wooden box at the bottom. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she looked at the neatly carved letters that spelled out her daughter's name. "Who made the box?" she asked with a look up at Daryl who was holding her hand, and he shrugged.

"I did." Rick spoke up.

"Thank you." she told him while blinking rapidly in a useless attempt to stop the tears from falling.

Hershel said a few words, but she couldn't hear them, all she could do was stare down at the box in the dirt, cursing the man that helped make the life that was being buried.

When the funeral was over Amanda let go of Daryl's hand and headed to the prison, leaving him and the others behind. She went straight to her cell, closed the curtain and the door and made sure the lantern was off. Daryl, Carol and Hershel had made sure light had been in Daryl's cell the whole time she was recovering. So right now she just wanted to be alone in the darkness.

"'Manda, you in there?" she head Daryl ask, but she stayed silent. "I know you're in there, the door's shut." He said and when she still didn't say anything he pulled the set of prison keys out of his pocket and started to unlock the door.

Hearing he keys rattle, she hopped up off of where she was curled up on the bed "Don't." she said as she ran over to grab the bars of the door, pulling it tight as he unlocked it anyway. "Daryl, I appreciate everything you've done for me, I really do, but…" she sighed and blinked back tears. "I just need to be alone for a while." She sighed and leaned her head on the cold bars through the sheet.

"I don't think I trust ya to be alone right now." he admitted quietly.

She whipped the curtain back and glared at him. "What, you think I'm gonna finally do what I've never had the courage to do before?" she asked with her head cocked to the side. He was rendered silent by the harsh tone of her voice and the intense glare she was giving him. "I'm not going to kill myself, okay?" he just kept staring at her. "Fine, you don't believe me?" she asked as she walked over to her bag and pulled out her sewing kit, her knife, and her gun then walked over and handed them to him through the bars. "Here, that's everything sharp or dangerous that I own."

He hesitantly took the items then she pulled the curtain closed again, shutting him out. "'Manda, come on, don't do this." he quietly pleaded.

"Just go away…please?" she asked sounding defeated.

She heard his retreating footsteps and now that she was truly alone she sank down on her bed and let a wave of tears overcome her. The longer she sat there the madder she got and all she wanted to do was hunt down the father of her late child and stab him repeatedly in his chest. The more she thought about him the more she realized that that would never happen. She needed to hit something, or stab something so she did the only thing she could think to do.

She left her the cell like a woman on a mission. Everyone she passed that tried to talk to her got ignored and she didn't stop walking until she got to the outer fence where walkers were pressing their ugly faces against the chain link fence. She plucked a long knife off of the fence where it was hanging and walked past Karen, Tyreese and the others who were taking out walkers then started taking them out herself.

With every walker she stabbed she released an angry, pain filled grunt. Walker after walker was taken down and to her they all looked like him. "'Manda, come on, ya gotta stop ya ain't supposed to be doin' that stuff yet."

"Go away, Daryl." She said not looking at him.

"Why are you doin' this?" he asked, not paying attention to the others that had stopped what they were doing to watch the scene taking place in front of them.

"Because they're him." She said with a grunt as she stabbed another walker in the face. "They're all The Governor," she said between gritted teeth, "and they're all gonna fucking pay!" she screamed as she stabbed another walker.

"What?" Daryl asked.

She finally stopped and turned to look at him with a flush face that was splattered with blood. "I said The Governor's the father." She panted then turned back to the fence and started taking out the walkers again. "You still wanna be with me?" she asked with tears now falling down her cheeks.

"Don't give a shit 'bout that." He grunted making her stop and turn to him.

"Really, you don't care that I let that sick bastard touch me?" she asked purposely prodding the bull, wanting Daryl to hate her as much as she hated herself.

"Just want ya to stop before ya hurt yerself." He said quietly.

"What if I told you I want to hurt myself? That I don't want to be alive anymore, huh? You still like me?" she asked holding her hands out to the side, wanting him to lash out at her.

"You ain't you right now." he said making her scoff. "Ya ain't thinkin' clear."

"Oh, I'm thinking perfectly clear. Clear enough to realize that I don't deserve you. That I don't deserve to be wanted by anyone and I was stupid to think that I deserved happiness." She said before she turned back to the fence and started stabbing again.

"Ya don't mean that." He said before he heard someone walk up behind him and turned to see Rick. "Think you can talk some sense into her before she hurts herself?" he asked, taking a step back.

"Amanda, put the knife down." Rick tried in a clam voice as he took a step closer to her with an outstretched hand.

"Go screw yourself." She said through gritted teeth not looking at him, but instead at the walker she stabbed in the eye.

"Alright, that's it." Daryl said and before she knew it he had wrapped his arms around her shoulders and picked her up.

"Put me down!" she screamed and tried to take a swing at him, but it was pointless. His large arms were holding hers down to her sides.

"Take the knife would ya, Rick?" Daryl asked then Amanda felt the knife be plucked from her hand.

With that gone Daryl flipped her around and tossed her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. "Daryl Dixon, put me down!" she screamed half way to the prison and by the time they were inside she had stopped fighting and settled for sobbing into his back.

He brought her to her cell and put her down on the upper bunk as gently as he could. "I'm sorry, 'Manda." He said as she walked out and shut the door behind him. It automatically locked behind him and he took the keys with him.

No one ever knew, but after that he went down to the tombs, shut himself into a room and cried.

***A week later***

They had brought food to her cell three times a day, but she rarely ate. She wouldn't talk to anyone and wouldn't get out of bed. Daryl tried talking to her for the first three days, but it finally got to where he couldn't make himself go though it anymore. He couldn't stand to watch her waste away.

"Daryl, you've got to try again." Hershel, who was sitting across from Daryl at one of the tables in the holding room said.

"If anyone's gonna be able to get her to come around it's you." Carol encouraged.

Daryl sighed and violently stabbed a chunk of meat with his fork. "I told ya, I can't."

Meanwhile Amanda pulled herself from her bed and sat down at her table and grabbed her sketch book for the first time in a weeks. As she flipped through the pages she came across the nursery that she had drawn. As she ran her fingers over the crib, tears fell from her sore eyes and smudged the lines. When her eyes slipped from the drawing to the others on the wall they landed on the sketch of the baby she had drawn right after she found out she was pregnant. She stood and plucked it off of the wall then tucked it into the book with the nursery and snapped it shut.

As she sat that book aside she picked up her journal and flipped to a fresh page. _"Why? Why did God bless me with a child, just to rip it from life before it even got to live, before I got to hold her and feel her love? It's cruel. God is a cruel, cruel son of a bitch. I just wish I knew why, what I did wrong. Hershel said my body simply rejected the pregnancy and there was nothing anyone could have done to stop it. My baby is dead, I'm no longer pregnant. I can't seem to absorb these facts."_

" _But I should be happy, right? I mean I didn't even want to be pregnant in the first place. So why do I feel so…lost? I shouldn't. I still have Carol and Rick. Even Glenn, Maggie and Beth have stopped by and talked to me. I have all these people that care about me and I feel nothing for them. Nothing at all. I once felt something for them, especially Daryl, but all I feel now is nothing…just numb, lost and most of all empty. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I've pushed everyone away. After I stopped talking to Daryl, he stopped coming by. Carol just stares at me sympathetically and I don't want her freakin' sympathy. Rick talks about how the garden is doing, keeps me up on the comings and goings and told me about a few new people they found out on a run. But most of that goes in one ear and out the other."_

" _I wish Daryl would still come by. But even if he did I probably wouldn't talk to him. I don't deserve him. A woman like me doesn't deserve a man like him."_

She was staring down at the book, tapping her pen on the pages when Rick stopped at her door and said, "Hey."

"Hey." She replied flatly as she glanced up at him, still tapping her pen.

"What are you doin'?" he asked taking in her skin that was now paler than is was when they first met and the dark circles under her sad eyes. She closed the book then showed him the front as she pointed at the graffiti letters that spelled out Journal. "Oh." Rick said as she moved to lean his shoulder on the bar. "How are you feeling?" he asked, not knowing what else to say.

"I swear if one more person asks me that question I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs." She answered as she finally put down the ever tapping pen and turned in her chair to face him.

"Sorry." Rick laughed and the sound felt foreign to her. An unwanted bright light in her world of black.

She just stared at him for a minute as she remembered that he had lost his wife not too long ago, during the birth of his child. "Do you really want to know how I feel or did you just ask because it's the proper thing to do?" she asked as she stood up and took a few steps over toward the bars.

"I really want to know. Everyone's worried about you." Rick answered, turning to face her.

"I feel…empty…lost. Like I don't know who I am anymore." She said then watched as Rick sighed and nodded as he looked at the floor. "Your face says you know what that feels like." She said as she took a step closer to him and tilted her head to the side as she looked at him.

"I do." He said with a nod at her as he swallowed hard.

"How did you deal?" she asked, her naturally sweet voice making her sound even more sad than she already was.

"I don't know… Honestly I'm still dealing with it." he said not helping her and she sighed as she moved back from him and sat back down on the stool. "That didn't help did it?" he asked.

"No, not really." She said, staring at her hands that were folded in her lap. "How do you make yourself get out of bed in the morning?" she asked as she looked up at him, her loose black strands falling from behind her ear as she did.

"Well, I just remember that I have Carl and Judith to think about." He said and she swallowed hard as her eyes slipped back to the floor. He then realized that she had no one to get out of bed for, but then again that wasn't completely true. She had Daryl, Carol and even him if she needed him. "I have people that need to see that I'm doing okay, just like you do."

She scoffed at his words and rolled her eyes. "I don't have anyone."

"Sure you do." He encouraged. "Rather you believe it or not, people here care about you."

"Really?" she asked sarcastically as she looked up and swiped some hair out of her face. "Like who?"

"Me for one." He said and she just shook her head. "Then there's Carol and Daryl."

She just shook her head. "Not so sure about that last one." She said as her eyes moved to stare at her nails that she picked dirt from. "I haven't seen him for days now."

"Do you want to see him?" he asked and she thought about it for a second before she bit her lip and nodded. "Then go see him." As Rick said this Daryl walked by on his way to his cell making it a point to not look at them as he did.

"He probably won't want to talk to me, not after the way I treated him." She said with a shake of her head.

"Give it a chance, worse thing he could do is ignore you. Can't picture him yellin' at a woman." He encouraged and she nodded as she sighed and moved to open her cell door. "But uh, you might want to shower first, you kinda stink."

"Boy, Rick, you sure know how to make a woman feel better about herself." she popped off and he smiled. "What?" she asked, not knowing what he was smiling at.

"You just sounded like your old self." He told her as he turned and left her alone. For the first time in a while she cracked the slightest of smiles.

After a good long shower she changed into a white tank top, black zip up hoodie and a pair of loose fitting jeans. She used the mirror over the sink in her room to braid her hair into her usual style then headed to Daryl's cell before she could talk herself out of it. When she got to his cell she saw the door was open and the curtain was pulled to the side. Daryl's back was to her and she could see his hands moving as if he were working on something. She cleared her throat to get his attention and he jumped then turned around. "Hey." She greeted quietly with her hands in her pockets.

"Hey." He said with a nod as he visibly stiffened. "Your…out." He said not moving closer to her. "and the suns still up." he crossed his arms over his chest and tucked his fingers into the armholes of his shirt.

"You make me sound like a vampire." She said as she stiffly leaned against the metal frame of the cell door.

"You might as well be. The only time you've left your cell here lately is when you would sneak out in the middle of the night." He said, loosening up a bit.

"You know about that?" she asked with a tilted head.

"Haven't been sleepin' much hear lately and you ain't exactly quiet when you think everyone's asleep." he explained and she shook her head. "What?"

"I always forget how observant you are." He just stared at her, not knowing what to say. As their eyes met a tense silence fell over them. "I'm sorry." She whispered to keep her voice from breaking as a tear slid down her cheek. As soon as he saw the tear he closed the space between them, swiped the tear away then wrapped an arm around her shoulders then another around her waist and pulled her to him. "I'm so sorry." She sighed as she pressed her face into his chest.

"It's okay." He whispered as he rubbed her back and swayed her from side to side. "It's gonna be okay."


End file.
